Self Esteem & Positive Thinking Support Group

So I decided to organize a weekly writer's group at my house with some friends. I laid down some ground rules about the group before people came over.

One friend in particular was attending the writing groups but breaking a huge ground rule: don't get drunk. I warned her twice. She didn't listen. She was the only person there, getting drunk and acting out of line. Everyone else - who was trying to write - was uncomfortable and wanted to leave. Most would leave. Many people asked that I bar her from coming back to the meeting.

Thing is, this friend of mine is a schizophrenic. Which also made the group uncomfortable. She would turn the whole thing into her own therapy session and persistently remind everyone that she hears voices sometimes. When she got drunk she acted like a 10 year old, being very wound up and hyperactive - just wanting all of the attention on her the entire time.

I felt bad but I emailed her tonight saying that we decided that it would be best that she no longer attend the writing group. I explained that it was because of the behavior and the drinking. Because she made the other writers feel uncomfortable.

She is very upset now - but everyone else is relieved. I do not want her to stop being my friend because there are redeeming qualities about her that make her my friend. I told her that I know what I did was not "nice" per say, but that it's best for everyone - including her. I was worried that her meeting up with us was giving her a reason to drink and she shouldn't be drinking especially on the medications she is taking.

Personally, lately, I have been uncomfortable with her schizophrenia. She has been overwhelming me with it, telling me that the voices tell her that I'm not her friend. That I'm some kind of enemy. That scares me a lot. She has never done anything dangerous to anyone but I fear it escalating. I could be acting paranoid, but I dunno.

Did I do the right thing in asking her to no longer attend the writing group? I'm sure writing was a good outlet for her but she spent the majority of the time drinking vs writing.

She did say, "Ok well I will come and just not drink..."

But I don't trust her to act normal when sober either. And I don't want her to drive the other members away. I already had a few people say they really didn't want to come back if she would be there.

I am going to stick with my decision, but I can't help but feel like a horrible friend. Though another side of me can't help but feel angry with her for putting me in this position.

Oddly whenever she has a get-together (like for her birthday) and she invites her own friends - she never acts inappropriately. She does not talk about the voices nor quote the demented things that they say to her. She is completely fine. But when it is my friends, I dunno...she gets up and does crazy things. I often wonder if she's forcing it.

Sushicat, I think you did the right thing, after all you did remind her twice that drinking or getting drunk is not o.k.

I think that asking her not to come is a wise decision, if it makes you and others uncomfortable. She may be upset at first but hopefully she will understand eventually.

As long as you tried to handle it as nicely as possible that's all anyone can ask. You can let her know that you care about her and still want to be her friend but are very concerned about her drinking and how it affects her behavior. I hope the best for you. Hugs, Ann

Sushicat, I agree wholeheartedly with Ann. You did the right thing, and really the only thing you were left with to do. You tried your best to make the non-negotialbe rule understood. I have compassion for your friend, but it just gave me a niggling thought when you told about how she is fine with just her friends.

Thinking maybe she wanted to drive a wedge between you and your friends so she could then have all your attention. I could be way off base, and you know her as I do not. Hope I am not out of line saying that as would not hurt your feelings intentionally for the world.

As Ann said, you can let her know she is still important to you, and then it is in her court.

Best of luck, and hugs too, Karen

Karen I truly thought about that possibility of driving the wedge between me and my other friends. You might be correct.

Sushi and Karen, You are both right, not to be insensitive but she may just be doing this to have your other friends back off so she can have all of your attention. It's sad but unfortunatly there are people that present themselves one way and then eventually show their true colors. Best of luck in whatever you choose to do.

Also another thing she did...she picked up my cat (who is seriously like my baby) and started roughly shaking her like a toy. The cat cried out but she wouldn't put her down. My husband yelled at her to put the cat down. She dropped the cat, very roughly. I really didn't want her in my house after that... (The cat is ok by the way...)

Post edited by: sushicat, at: 06/25/2011 09:34 AM

errrrggg! That would be a dealbreaker for me. I can take care of myself, but don't hurt my babies or my furbabies. Glad your poor kitty didn't get hurt, other than it's feelings and dignity.

I realize your friend is sick, but when they are only toxic and there is nothing you can do to help them, sometimes it is time to let go. It doesn't mean you love them less, but just have to pray for them from a distance.

Post edited by: oregonnative, at: 06/25/2011 09:12 PM

I agree with Karen, you mess with my furbabies, that would be the last straw. You can still feel empathetic towards another person but that doesn't mean you need to subject yourself or your family to that kind of behavior.

Sushicat, your friend faces a life long challenge. Her condition while treatable will never go away. she needs to have her meds updated or doses checked from time to time and her doctors should have her in a therapy program either in patient or out as she needs at the time. If she is showing signs of delusional behavior such as talking about what the voices in here head tell her about you and exhibiting antisocial behaviors around you be cautious. I'm going to add a couple of links that talk about Schizophrenia to help you understand what is happening to her and so that those who will come and say I shouldn't say what I have will see it's not my opinion.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/schizophrenia/ index.shtml

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/schizophrenia/DS00196

Ok John that sounds good. And thank you to everyone else for the advice too.

She is taking part in some medical trials that are testing out drugs on her. She says the drugs are working but from my end I wonder if they are failing or just not very effective.

I know she is dependent on her voices and she says that she would be upset if they went away completely (I don't understand that but apparently many schizophrenics say this according to her?)

She finally emailed me and told me she completely understands my decision after taking a long hard look at what she was doing. She said she still considers us her best friends.

Post edited by: sushicat, at: 06/26/2011 08:13 AM