I posted this thread in the Bipolar forum but after reading through a few posts here I want to also ask you guys your take. I was diagnosed with Bipolar about 2 months ago after I came crashing down off of a serious manic episode. I've been told that not everyones manic phases are the same but for me this go around consisted of the classic "sex, drugs and rock n roll", so to speak. Currently Im taking 500mg of Depakote (isnt that a small does?) and 150mg of Wellbutrin. I have no idea if the Depakote is working or not but, I certainly know the Wellbutrin is not. Im depressed as all hell. But beyond the Bipolar, I think I may have a much more difficult to treat disorder. Let me describe my symptoms. I alway, seriously always, questions other peoples motives when they interact with me. I believe that most everyone twists what they are saying to me in a way that is of benefit to them. I dont feel like I can trust anyone other than my husband but even then I often question him about what he tells his mom and whether or not his family is talking about me. This could be a bit of projection on my part. I use people and especially men to get my "attention fix". The thing is though, that when I start these relationships with men I am sincerely interested in them and I usually do find deep connections. But shortly after the flame has ignited it fizzles out for me and then I am left trying to end the romance but keep the friendship. I hope this is making sense. I fall in love easily but when I want to go back to being just friends they get pissed or distant and then I question their initial intent in the relationship. If they were sincerely interested in my soul then wouldn't they still want to be friends? And if they are cool with still being friends then were they playing me the whole time and are they now excited for an easy out? These are the convoluted questions that go through my head. Its like constant reverse psychology after the initial dopamine explosion of love. If the man still wants me I want them less. If they are more distant (more mature?) then I want them more. Another of my symptoms is that I question my self a lot. I think of questions like, Do I sound stupid or irrelevant? Am I coming across as shallow or loose? And especially after social gathering then I really rake myself over the coals. I wonder what everyone thought of me and if I fit in or stood out like a sore thumb. Then I will often go into a deep depression and sometimes go cry in bed over the anxiety that follows these gatherings. ...... And now that I have spent the last 30 minutes typing out this thread I have lost my train of thought. F***, I hate my self. I cant stand being awake because I have to deal with this annoying s*** all the time. Even sometimes when Im asleep I can still be conscious enough of my depression. My hell is being trapped inside my own head and never finding any reprieve. I have ruined all of my friendships and have no one close. The only people I can talk to are on the internet and even then I find my self trying to manipulate the relationships. ~Wendy
***My advice is purely personal. I am not a Doctor and there is NO substitute for getting proper medical diagnosis and advice***
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