Mel,
Thank you so much! I'm sorry I didn't write you much sooner. You're looking great by the way, and congrats on losing the weight you have. I've struggled with weight loss as well, and I now it's not an easy thing to do. But you did it and did it while going through grief and loss. That's truly amazing as well as very inspirational to someone like me.
I took some time, away from the computer and away from everything really. I live in a beautiful part of the world up in the mountains and feel very blessed to be here. After the divorce and still trying to cope with the loss of my penis, I just had to get away from it all. I found the hikes and my time spent in nature to be very therapeutic.
We live in such a fast paced world and so much is geared toward sex and pleasure. I found that watching television and being on the internet were just hurting my soul. It seemed every time I turned around I was seeing a commercial for Enzyte or Viagra, if it wasn't that it was keeping yourself healthy so you could have sex. Then there were the times I myself would go online to talk with women asking them how they would view a man without a penis. Most were interested, even fascinated at what happened to me, but most of them also said they would not want any kind of serious relationship with me.
All of this, really began to depress me. I'm curious if others of you have gone through this stage? Finally, for me, I just had to turn it all off. No more polls, no more commercials, no more therapy sessions, no more ads about sex, no more listening to internet chatter of the man who had his cut off by his wife and put into the garbage disposal.
I just had to turn it all of, and tune it all out. And since I have done that, I began to truly heal. Both accepting what the surgery took from me, but also accepting my life that it's allowed me to continue living! I'm grieving the loss of my marriage and still coming to terms with that. But I believe it will come with time. For me anyway, this world was so fast paced that I began to give up. I felt worthless as a man, and like no woman would ever want me again. But, after I stepped out of that fast paced vicious cycle, I began to see what's really important in life: Living, Loving, reconnecting with people and loving them for who they are.
Ok, this was longer than I expected it to be. But, if this somehow helps anyone out there, than it was worth each word. I've accepted that my penis is gone. But it doesn't make me less of a man, nor does it make me incapable of giving love to someone who is willing to look past this. I hope I will find love again someday. For now, I'm working on the new me. I just wanted to say thanks to all of you, who have helped me take those small steps to where I am. I still have a long way to go, but I am filled with courage and hope to take another step every day. I appreciate all of you.
Darrell
