Parents of Bipolar Children Support Group

I am the stepfather of a bipolar 14 yr. old boy. My wife and I have been together for 6 years and married for 3. We struggle on a daily basis as to how to deal with Dallas. He is currently taking medication that for the most part keeps him level but he does tend to go from happy to very emotional in just a single moment. It is hard to determine the bipolar disorder from that of a teen boy going through puberty. Dallas can be such a nice young man one moment and then very disrespectful and mean the next. I come from the old days when children did not disrespect their parents, so when Dallas does this to his mother it drives me nuts. He has convinced himself that I don't care about him because it seems as though I am always the one that tries to keep him in line. His mother tends to excuse his behavior as either bipolar disorder or puberty and then does nothing to dissuade himm from acting out. It sometimes puts a strain on our marriage. I hate to admit it but, I find myself just wanting to give up with this kid. I feel like he has no interest in anything I have to say so why should I? He doesn't seem to have any interest in much of anything. He doesn't seem to consider the future any further than his next meal.

Dallas is struggling in school and obviously runs the risk of not graduating. His teachers are all aware of his bipolar disorder and they put forth extra effort in which to help him, but he shows no interest in any thing they try to help him with. Whenever I try to talk to Dallas it's always, I don't know? I don't know??? I don't care!!!! How can I get through to this kid??? How can I reason with him??? What can we do to get him interested in anything other than airsoft guns and sitting around vegetating? Any advice would be so helpful. Truthfully, my real concern is Dallas and what this is all going to mean for his future.

I'm sure there are a lot of parents dealing with this same situation. If you have and gotten through it successfully, I would love to hear your thoughts on this. How you dealt with it and how your child is doing now.

Thank you so very much!

Ron

Sounds typical to me! Normal teen behavior with the added stress of a serious mental illness!

Welcome to our world!

I don't have any magical answers on how to get thru this. I have 18 yr old twins, my daughter is BP and my son has serious issues even though he isn't diagnosed as BP.

One book that may help is "The Explosive Child." It helped me put things in perspective.

Another thing I would recommend is counseling for you and your wife specifically to deal with the stress in your marriage. Because you aren't his "real" father he probably uses this as an excuse to drive you crazy! Even though he'd be driving his "real" dad crazy too! You have to be a united front and it's important that you both agree on what is important and what you can let slide.

You may need to let go of some of your ideas on how things were when you were growing up especially if your wife doesn't think those things are worth fighting over.

"Pick your battles" has been a favorite saying for me.

But you and your wife better agree on what those battles are

123 Magic is another favorite of mine. The basic principles can be applied to teenagers. But it all goes back to you and your wife agreeing on consequences for specific behaviors.

Good luck!

And welcome to our little community of struggling parents!

My 16 year old son was recently diagnosed with BP, and I totally sympathize with your frustration! The first question I asked the Pdoc was "how can I tell when his behavior is because of the disease, and when he's just being a jerky teenager?" Unfortunately, the answer was "We don't know." Yikes! I just ordered a couple of books that look promising on this point, "The Bipolar Teen: What You Can Do to Help Your Child and Family" by David Miklowitz, and "Survival Strategies for Parenting Children with Bipolar Disorder" by George Lynn. You can check them out at Amazon.com if you're interested.

I agree with lilipets that counseling with you and your wife is a good idea.

I was also struck by your description of step-son as having few interests apart from being a vegetable. That describes my son as well, but it also makes me think that depression may be at work here. I was married to a psychiatrist for 20 years, and know that the medications used to treat BP mood swings do a good job at tamping down the mania, but not so much for depression. You (and I) might want to talk to the Pdoc and see if anti-depressive medications might be in order.

Hang in there, and god bless you all.

I am a stepmom to a 16yo girl who was just diagnosed with Bipolar II and ADD also, and have been with her father for 4 years and married for 3. Her biological mother, grandmother, brother, and sister are all Bipolar also - it runs heavily on her maternal side of the family.

She is college-level intelligent, highly manipulative, and refuses to do her homework whatsoever except at the end of the semester, because she says all that matters is the final grade for your GPA, and nothing in between. She also has no friends whatsoever, and no interest at all in dating. Consequences do nothing. Like you, I am at a "fine, flunk if you want to" point because I have to accept that her refusal and flunking is not a reflection on our parenting - we've done everything we can, and more. Psychologist twice a week, Psychiatrist once a month, little league, cheerleading, soccer, summer camp, volunteer work....everything. And still, she kicks us in the teeth and creates intentional havoc.

My husband is also active duty military, and only gets home every other weekend on average, so I am also raising her alone, with no family nearby or breaks. So I get most of the direct aggression now.

Yeah I hear that Ron, I'm stepfather to a 14 year old girl. Who I have helped raise for 9+ years now. She was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I can relate to how your feeling. I'm being told that her bipolar disorder isn't that bad but I disagree. Our biggest concern is her constant fascination with wanting to meet boys, while I understand that she is a teen it's almost an obsessive thing because she has been told that that is not acceptable repeatedly. It's only been a year since the diagnosis and already it has created a strain on my relationship with her mother. I'm finding myself wanting to separate as I do not enjoy being around the daughter. Like you, I was raised with traditional values and I find it to be very disrespectful whenever I get into a debate with her over simple request, like "Do your homework". I'm at a point where I don't even enjoy coming home and worst yet we are nearing a home purchase which the mother and I will jointly own. We have a counselor come every week to talk with our daughter, I'm not sure if this helps much as she usually brings up things that seem to make the situation worse. She usually talks with her and gets information that is not revealed to us. This counselor is paid by the state so you can look into your state and see if they offer something similar. In the event that our bipolar child gets out of hand there is a clinic within this state where she is admitted to. She has been admitted into this once and it was for a week. Whether it helped much is another matter but it deescalated the situation. All I know is she did not want to go there again.

Post edited by: bfparent, at: 12/22/2010 05:59 AM

BFparent, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Unfortunately, sometimes hypersexuality comes along with the BP disorder...not for everyone, but for some. But, in your stepdaughter's case, it could also just be the age she is getting into. It will just have to be watched closely. It has to be really hard being the step-parent. We do have other step-parents in this group. Is your stepdaughter on medications? There are some medications that will help curb the hypersexuality if that is what is occurring?

We do alot of venting here, but we also try to help in anyway that we can. Feel free to look around, post questions, or just vent away....

WElcome to the group!!! I pray that things will improve for you. <HUGS>

Dear Ron,

As I am a single mom of 4 and have a 12 yr old boy that also has Bipolar and other diagnosis. I can not imagine the stress that it would be being a step parent with a child that has bipolar. But how ever I can tell you as a mother of a child with Bipolar that you feel so many different emotions. And that you do try to make excuses for them as you feel as tho you have made them that way(not that, it is the case at all). You need to be strong for your wife as she loves you and her son. It needs to not be a struggle between you and Dallas. I am not a dr or a professional but I do recommend that you guys are on the same page with all choices regarding Dallas. If that means counseling or just having a third person there to help the two of you communicate. Also I am sure that it is hard for the two of you to get time alone, but I think that a date night is in order . As for Dallas accept him for him, I am sure that he is a great kid with many strengths, What are those strengths? Try to find a mutual ground with him(something that he likes to do as well as yourself) and build from there. I know it is easier said then done. There are many days that I feel as tho I am just here to be the punching bag. Things always get better. Stay strong. You can do it

Man, it is as if you were reading a page from the book of my life. I was designated as the "authoritative" figure in the house, because he would not listen to his mom at all, or what she said would have no effect on him. I dreaded this, because as a step parent i was already coming into a situation where i didnt want him to think i didnt like him. We would have arguments about this because i thought she should have been more firm with him, instead of leaving me to be the bad guy. For some reason though, he would always snap back into "reality" with me. He would kick the officers at school when they tried to refrain him, the nurses at the hospital, even a teacher once, but if i entered the room he would sit down and quit immediately. looking back, i would hate to think it was because he was deathly afraid of me, but i dont know for what?

I have recently begun to do research about this disease and for me it has helped tremendously. I have been enlightened with information that i can now pinpoint in his tantrums outbursts. While mine is only 11, he will soon be reaching the age where the line between pubescent defiance and BP will be blurred, but i hope that in the end, i can start to contribute more to his well being.

( i know our situations are a bit different, but being in a relationship with someone who has a bipolar son, your post made me feel like a part of this,and not just an outside because my case involves a child who is not mine) Thanks.

That's what these forums are for -- to learn from each other and to realize that we're not alone in this!

Blooskittle, you are not the only step-parent here. Regardless, we don't draw any distinctions here. A parent is a parent. You are obviously here because you care. That's what is important. We talk a lot about boundaries here with our BP children. So, I can understand you are a little more concerned about boundaries because he is your step child. YOur concern is about boundaries between you and your girlfriend as well. Maybe a discussion with her about what those boundaries should be will help the two of you. It's not fair that you should have to look like the bad guy all the time. I can relate to that because my husband always seemed to make me look like the bad guy too because he wouldn't step up to the plate. So, you see, even bio parents have those issues too. You need to talk it out with her.