Parents of Addicts Online Support Group

I have been dealing with a serious drug problem with not only 1 but 3 of my boys. I have tried everything, sent them to rehabs, let one of them sit in jail and yelled, screamed and prayed yet nothing is working. Recently, my middle son's friend was found dead on a couch. My son went to the funeral, I thought it would open his eyes, but it did the opposite, he glorifies the boy who died. I am terrified I will bury one of my boys. I feel very alone and scared. Recently two were dx. with Hep C, they can not get treatment until they are clean, they know this but are still actively using. Is there anyone who has any advice for me? We need help and all I keep hearing is "throw them out" is this the right thing to do?

first of all welcome doreen ..we all so know what you are going through .. but 3 of your boys .. you poor thing ..My heart goes out to you ......were they in rehab laong or was it a local rehab ? I hate to say this ..but if you tried everything & it hasnt worked ... detaching from them is the only thing you can do .....Throw them out & maybe one or all of them will hit rock bottom ...... tell them that you will support them in there recovery but you will not be in there addiction ... We have all been where you are ..... & we def understand ..so vent away ..we are here for you In this roller coaster ride... Hugs Trish

That must be overwhelming for you Doreen I am so sorry! I am glad you are here, this parents of Addicts has helped me alot. I hope it helps you too.

The thing with a serious addiction though, is that the addict HAS TO WANT to go to rehab. He/She has to make that decision and be ready on their own. If we could help them or make it work for them it would. But, it has never worked with my son either. He is in rehab now (court ordered), so not sure if this one will even stick. The part that gives me hope is he decided to go to treatment BEFORE they ordered him to.

My son has lost two of his friends as well. And, we have even lost some here on Parents of Addicts. It is a fear we all have. The best thing that I have done is to "detach" from my addict son, and let him live his life the way he is going to. He knows I love him but will not enable him by letting him live with me and I have been told by numerous people, that the addict will usually get help sooner, when all support other than love, is withdrawn. If an addict doesn't have to worry about money, a place to sleep, access to the house, cars etc. They can spend all their time and energy on their favorite habit, which is their addiction.

If you ever watch Intervention on TV, they always strongly encourage that the Bank of Mom or Dad close, and that parents no longer pay for cell phones, housing all the benefits that they are given. They haven't EARNED IT.

Detaching from the addicts will help you emotionally. It did me. Detaching doesn't mean you don't love them anymore, it just means you are detaching from their addictive, manipulative behaviour and not allowing it to emotionally drain you. The faster they have to stand on their own feet the faster they will usually decide to get sober.

These kids are smart they know us parents are parylized with fear for them, and they WILL use that to their advantage. Don't let them.

Thank you so much for your words. I will admit I have heard them before and thought "I can love them to sobriety" I know I am delusional. They all work full time and do pay their own bills but, I have never heard of a successful drug addict. It is so bad I sleep with my purse. I never have people over because I am afraid when they aren't looking their purses will be stolen from or if they are sleeping they run the risk of losing everything. We lock up everything and do my daily spoon and needle search. We have had so much stolen and pawned. Sunday, my husband and I are sitting down with them all to "lay down the law" I need to be strong but, I don't know how. I know statistically having 3 addicts of heroin and oxy, one will end up dying and there is nothing I can do. I have given up all my friends and just work and then come home to do homework (I also attend school for my BSN) I just do not want my old friends to know what is going on, I choose to just tell them I am to busy for anything else. I am also a grandmother of a beautiful 6 month old girl who I am fortunate to have a lot. At least one joy.

Doreen, welcome to the group, I hope you will find some peace and help here. I am sorry you have not one but 3 sons with addiction, you have more than your share. I wish you strength to get through all this. You have some good points on your side, at least they are all working. I prefer not to use the term 'throw them out'. Maybe ask them to leave if they want to continue the life style they have chosen, set some strong rules, no drugs in your house etc. and threaten them with calling the cops if you find any drugs. Unfortuneately I dont believe you can love them to sobriety but you can love them to death, enabling them to continue their use of drugs. We all understand on here about not wanting your friends to know, we have been there. You sound like a smart caring person with support from your husband so you will find what is right to do. None of us can tell you what to do just what we have tried and how it has ended up. Please read the other topics or go to peoples diaries and you will feel like you are reading your exact story. Stay with us and let us share your hurt and be here for you. Hugs and prayers to you.

My husband and I have decided to sit down with them all on Sunday, a family meeting, and lay it all out. One of the rules we have discussed is they have to have us control their paychecks. We have no intention of keeping the money and will let them use it for appropriate things, or another option is we sit down with three drug tests and have each one tested and tell them we will control their money until they can consecutively pass random drug tests if they do not want to abide by these rules, they need to go. I know my husband and I have had a hard time with this and at times it has driven us apart. We deserve peace in our lives and I do not want to be addicted to the addict anymore or involved in the drug drama. I know how hard this will be so I will probably be logged in on Sunday and crying my heart out. I also would like to buy tea spoons and have them when I make my coffee. We are considering just buying plastic spoons. I think it would be harder to melt their drugs. I will continue to pray for them every night but will also need to pray for my husband and I to have the strength and courage to do what needs to be done. Jail does not scare them, they have all already been there.

I used to wish I could take my son to a morgue and show him someone who had overdosed and say this is what you are going to end up like. But I guess he is too old and wise for all that. Better for catching them while they are young or maybe that just happens on tv.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work. When my boys were younger, I got permission from a family who's son I took care of, to bring my boys in to met him. He was 24 at the time, pretty much brain dead from drugs, he was trached and unable to eat drink or do anything, he was contracted on all limbs. Just laid there and moaned from time to time. I thought this would make an impact but, look at me now, 3 who could end up in that very situation. They have all lost someone to drugs but even that has not made an impact. I worry about what their rock bottom may be.

Me too Doreen,and at the rate of my sons addition I have to fear the worst, its not being negative, I feel like I am trying to build myself up for the worst, not that it will make the hurt less but it really wont shock me. At least your boys have jobs. My son has nothing, absolutely nothing. I have offered him everything if he would get sober but I have decided bribery isnt going to work. He would just take the last of my money and run.

My son doesn't have anything either. Now, he doesn't even have a place to stay. He left rehab early, after leaving detox early, snuck in the house and stole the credit card. Several hundred dollars later, mad Mom told him to leave and NOT come back. I feel guilty as hell, but what can I do let him keep stealing from me.

He has stolen over 900. in a month,and I almost couldn't make my house payment because of him. Now, he is homeless. But, when he left I did tell him "get your self together and call me, then we can talk". He left mummbling that there wasn't any help for him...... Trying to decide this weekend if I should file another theft charge (he already has 1 that he was under court ordered drug treatment), or whether I should call the judge. His court date is Tuesday.

I can't help him, he needs to do this on his own. Unfortunately, now he has burned so many people, no one will let him in there house. Hard to believe just last summer he was in college and had it all....now, has lost it all.