Parents of Addicts Online Support Group

not sure where to turn anymore...2 years ago my daughter Heather graduated high school, went to Europe on a much planned graduation trip thru the school...was accepted to the college of her choice..made the dean's list for the first semester...sounds like a parent's dream, huh? Then our lives fell apart...Today she has stopped attending school, was arrested twice since November for possession of heroin and oxycodone and for using a stolen credit card at a convenience store..she has lost her job which she had for the past 5 years...she has had 2 car accidents...and she is robbing her father and I blind...I have had to take a leave of absence from work because i feel that i just can't function anymore...I pray every day that she will realize what she is doing to her life but she truly believes that she does not have a problem..she is living with a friend and her family and of course, they are wonderful and we are the monsters...My husband and I are falling apart, alternating between blaming ourselves and each other ..I cry constantly..and i am so embarrassed and humiliated that i have told no one...not even my family..i feel like i must have done something horribly wrong but i don't know what...None of my friends have had to deal with this particular issue so it's hard to reach out...i'm hoping this site can at least help me vent to someone before i lose what's left of my mind

i am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. It sounds VERY familiar. I'm sure you will receive the understanding that you need here. It ISN'T your fault or anything that you did or didn't do as parents. But it hurts all the same. As parents we feel extreme pride when our children do well and extreme pain when they do not. However, the lessons and person that you raised are STILL in there. It is just covered up by her addiction. I understand first hand how humiliating and devastated you feel. My son stole from us, lied, lost several jobs, wrecked my car, was arrested for posession etc. I didn't think that he'd EVER seek help. I confronted him constantly, and our home was a war zone. He went into treatment about a month ago and is doing well. There IS hope. DON'T give up. My son's big thing was "you don't understand or know what you are talking about". I told him, "you are right, I don't. But I do know that you cannot be happy with yourself and these choices that you have made. I know that YOU are NOT A THIEF and that you must feel HORRIBLE about some of the things have done to us, but there are people that understand this and deal with it EVERY DAY. They will understand and can help you to find a way out of all of this". I wrote down the number of a place in the area that he could call for help and told him that he either needed to get help or get out of our home. He called and went into detox the next day. I've asked him since then....is there anything that I said or did that made you see that you needed help? He told me "no, I had to want help first. But when you wrote it all down for me, and told me who to call, I had the next step when I was ready".

Does she have a close friend that may be able to reach her, to tell her how concerned she is? As I told Brad, "I would do this for you, if I could...I'd give up my life so that you could be ok. If somethings happens to you I don't think I'll EVER be ok again". Please let someone that DOES understand help you. I'll be praying for you. I DO know how deep this pain runs. Tracy

I don't know why but I do feel a small measure of relief knowing that i'm not the only parent suffering thru this. It's so hard to know if what i am doing is right or wrong anymore...so sources say tough love..others say never give up...some say stop being codependent..it's all so confusing...Heather called home last night and asked if she could spend the night here because it was late (1am)...of course we said yes, and went into jail mode, hiding all our valuables, cash, and keys..it's a hell of a way to live...she is still sound asleep on the couch as I am writing this..we found a center that will take her in tomorrow for an evaluation..I'm hopeful but scared that she will not recognize the need for help yet...I plan on speaking to her when she wakes up and reminding her that she agreed to get seen by a counselor...I know she needs so much more than just a quickie evaluation but I trust that hearing from professionals that she needs help might somehow be more effective than just her parents. I am so scared, more scared then I have ever been in my life..I'm glad your son got help and I hope everything gets better for him...19 may just be the age from hell!! Will update tomorrow...pray for us...

I am very sorry for what you are going through. Taking care of our children is always our top priority, but you have to start taking care of yourself in order to survive this nightmare. My daugher is now 21. She started using cocaine at 15 and went to three treatment centers that I forced her to enter with no success. I have found it to be true atleast for my family and myself, that it had to be her decision to say when she was ready and the rest of us had to get "fixed". For the time being she is actually doing great. She is back in school and on her own. I do worry at times about something affecting her that may cause a relapse. But I no longer blame myself. She has told me many times that I couldn't have done anything different. Her drug use had nothing to do with me. I did many crazy unsafe things when she was using that I thought would keep her away from the drugs and many times put my home, car and life at risk. When she was using, it did not matter to her. Please do not blame yourself. Please do not put yourself in harms way. Take care of yourself so you can be there for her when she is ready for help.

Janine reading your story is so similar to mine. My now 20 year old daughter graduated with honors 10th in her class (I am one of the librarians at our high school). She was a member of the NHS, participated in the post-secondary pogram (attending college classes while in high school) received a full scholarship to our state university for nursing. She was employed as a pharmacy technician.

Then she met a boy.......She went from the above mentioned beautiful daughter to a heroin addict in 4 months. He introduced her to the drug and the nightmare began. We have been dealing with her addiction for the last 2 years. It has taken us that long just to realize this is actually happening to US, normal, god fearing, good, tax paying, home owning, working people. In our safe little rural community this is the stuff you see on tv. I passed judgement and said "not my kids". Mine are smarter, raised better, more educated and so on...I was so wrong. Getting your mind around the reality is an impossibility in itself.

Our daughter has lost just about everything but her life. She has been to rehab twice. She was clean for 5 months beginning in August and relapsing last Thursday. She is now in the county jail on probation violation. We made her call her probation officer when she failed a home drug test. She had to take drug tests to be able to enter our house. We chose to take a very firm "tough love" stand with her from the beginning. Not that this positon has helped or hurt. I could go on and on about the journey we have taken. You get up in the morning go on about your day not really ever living. It absolutely consumes you.......Just know I feel your pain....I am here if you have any questions or need someone to talk to who is just a few years into this horrific addiction.

I guess it is true that you can't protect your children from the world of drugs no matter how they are raised or how smart and mature they seem to be...I hope your daughter is able to get clean again..my little girl just entered rehab/detox for the first time ever and i'm scared to death of the unknown...she is in a 5 day blackout so there is no contact at all while she detoxes..she tested positive for opiates...oxys seem to be her drug of choice though heroin has also been mentioned when pill money was not available...maybe someday i will know the extent of her addiction..i just pray everyday that she will accept the help and learn to turn her life around...i asked her at the facility while she was waiting for the van to pick her up yesterday if she would want her life back..she looked at me like she was 5 years old and said she wished things could go back to the way they were...well, we know that that may never happen or if it does, it won't be without a lot of work on her part..the not-knowing is killing me...is she ok, is she sick, are they including her?? I know it was the right decision for her to go and I'm glad she made it...i just wish i had a crystal ball....thanks for your response..hope to chat with you soon...I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers

Janine

I have tried to explain to my sister several times what my days are like and you put it exactly how I feel---I get up every morning and go about my day--do all the things I'm "expected" to do -try to put a smile my face because I realize people have no idea what hell my life is---I go through my day without really living--just like you said!!! I think sometimes I could earn an acadamy award for my performance!!!!!

My daughter has relapsed 4 times. Her first trip to rehab was a convenience trip. Her boyfriend went into rehab running from a bad situation brewing in his town. Her call I got from the rehab center asking for my insurance information was the first knowledge of her using heroin. I was floored but hopeful and thought "this is it". She left rehab with her boyfriend in tow 5 days later. This was the first of many many "whew this is it" moments. A month later, she called us wanting to get clean again. I thought no messing around this time! I took a leave of absence from my school and moved 1000 miles away to get her away from her boyfriend and the environment. We were gone several months and in this time he went to jail. We thought it was safe to come home "this was IT". This has to be. She got a job and got back into college. She was clean a little over 60 days. Her boyfriend got out of jail and they were out using again. About two months later she turned him into the authorities and came home clean. This attempt lasted 30 days. After relapsing yet again on May 5th (these dates stick in my mind like glue)we got her into a private rehab facility for 3 weeks then moved her onto another more intensive woman's only inpatient program that specilizes in IV use. She came home the end of July clean and sober and stepped down to an 8 hour a day outpatient program. She was also attending NA/AA meetings every night (90 in 90 they call it). She was doing wonderful working the program. She got a job and we got her a car. She stayed clean over 90 days relapsing on Aug 24th. We then set into motion to take emergency guardianship. She came back home clean. We created our own little love prison. No phone, no internet, no car, surveillance cameras so make sure she didn't leave when we were gone. We got her back into intensive counseling and enlisted the help of a psychiatrist and a psychologist not just drug counselors. This is it this has to be it this time. She was clean almost 5 months and relapsed on Jan. 21st. We turned her in and she is now in jail for 6 months. I can honestly say it is the safest place for her right now. How we as parents have gotten to that point you can't explain. You have to have been on the journay to understand how we have sought jail as a refuge for her. I kept telling myself all along it can't get any worse. She will wise up and snap out of it. She's smarter than this etc. It just keeps getting worse but I refuse to believe her boyfriend sticking that needle in her arm 18 months ago was her death sentence. The one most important thing I have learned is that SHE never chose to be clean. We always chose for her. We thought as a family if we just did one more thing...

This time she has to choose all by herself...

Lois,

Your last post just touches my heart to the core. I have lived it. The repeated disapointment is shattering to everything you believe in. You do see things the way I do after going through what you have and it is that no matter how much you want it for them it will not happen till THEY choose to be clean. Unfortunately, we as parents have to witness their consequences. Just know that you are not alone. Friends and family do not always know the right things to say or do for whatever reason. Unless they have walked in our shoes, there is no comparison. Bless you.

Dear Lois and Phase 2...thank you for sharing your stories. I truly admire your strength. You are truly doing everything you possibly to do to love your children and to continue to fight this horrible addiction when they are not strong enough or willing to fight for themselves. God Bless you both, right along with your daughters. Tracy