Parents of Addicts Online Support Group

Iam new to this site, the last time I was on a site was on help with coping with the lost of a child back that was 2001. Now my oldest Christopher is addicted to pills. I want to say that I have been clean for over 5 years (not pills) he was in the middle of that so he knows first hand how hard it is to fight an addiction. Then I found out alilltle less then a year ago that he was doing pills it broke my heart we had a serious talk and he told me he would stop he didnt want to hurt me. Well he didnt. I have been out of the house for several months taking care of my dad so Ihavent been in his face 24/7 but he told me he had it under control, and I kept telling him he needs to go to a rehab so he could get the help he needs and of course he didn't agree. He would only call me when he wanted money and coming up with every reason he needed it. And I wont send him anything so he basically stopped calling and I didn't call much we would always end up fighting about him not working He's 21 years old and still doesn't have a job.I pay a few of the bills there. I dont think that he has ever stolen from me or anyone else(well gotten caught). I feel like this is my fault for not being the best mother I could have been, sometimes being more of a friend then a mother. Always beliving what is teling me. Not wanting to fight with him.

Well I went home a few days ago, and overheard conversation that I didnt like so I got back in my car and left didnt even say goodbye. When he realized I left I got really nasty texts,then the next day hes telling me he loves me.I have since told him that Iam not going to pay anybills there. In the last few days he has told me that me walking out has made him see the light an he is going to grow up and finally get a job and he hasnt done any pills since then, which makes me confused he told me his gf and him are getting on suboxone sometme this week, well if they have been clean since Thursay why would they need that? I want so badly to belive him.But he has pleaded with me to continue to pay what I have been until he gets a job. Telling me if I don't he wll be homeless.It all breaks my heart, the last few days I have heard more from him then the whole time I have been gone,I know its only because he wants finacial help. Could it be possible hes telling me the truth?

Hi Chiggins.. and welcome - and congratulations on your own sobriety.

What I have discovered with my own son is within every lie he tells there is at least one grain of truth somewhere... even if it just comes down to his intention of getting clean. If I were to offer advice to you it would be to continue in your own sobriety and work your program the best you are able... but never forget what you did, who you manipulated, what lies you told when you were using. Your own experiences will be your greatest compass in dealing with your son.

I have spent many, many hours thinking back and trying to pinpoint where life just went wrong.. I have known "intact", "divorced", "christian", "recovering" families with drug addicted children... My father was an alcoholic and so was my step-father. My siblings have been alcoholics and drugs addicts. I experimented through my teens and young 20s but never became an addict or alcoholic. My son (who I adopted at birth) was born addicted to meth and has been an active addict since he was 15. addicted to pain pills. My other son (who I adopted at age 5) is fetal alcohol syndrome but is not an addict but his birth sister is an active alchoholic at age 23. No one has the answer ....none of it really makes sense to me - and that is what drives me crazy... because we are taught very early on that there is an answer to everything. The best I have come up with when I ask "why him or why her or why me or why my son" is... why not.

Hugs to you in your struggles.

Leslie

Hello Chiggins, you have come to a good place to share your feelings. We often say on here go with your gut feelings, they are usually true. So if you think he is trying to manipulate you, he probably is. You cant look back on your life and look for reasons for his addiction, it just is, it is now. You cant change the past so you can only go forward. I too, tore my life apart, my ex's, looking for something we must have done for my son to be an addict. I am done beating myself up, it did no good. I probably spoiled my son too much, oh well. You are probably doing a good thing removing yourself from him cause you cant change him you can only change yourself. Hugs Lynda

Hello Chiggins. I am so glad you have decided to share on this site as I have found it so helpful. I feel your pain for Christopher. I seem to feel everyone's pain. I think sharing with people who dont know you will get you the best possible help. You have turned your life around and you have got sober even after losing Cassie. I can not begin to judge you for your addiction because I do not know your pain. But you are a survivor. I am so proud of you and who you have become! We will get through all of this together. Just so everyone knows Chiggins is my sister and Christopher is my nephew. Tommy's cousin. I have encouraged her to get the support that I have found from all of you wonderful people. It really does help me to share with all of you and to try and be there for you as well.

how wonderful that you have each other to lean on in these trying times. i'm sorry that you are both here(it's not fair) but i know that you will feel the love and comfort that everyone on this site will offer. chiggins, it sounds like you blame yourself for his problems. i think we all have blamed ourselves at one point, but after listening to the advise of my dear friends here, reading, and praying alot, i finnally know that we did not cause this. i think that he knows how to play on your guilt (mine is an expert at this). i'm sure he's scared and may very well want to quit, but this is his fight. sounds like you have worked very hard to get yourself right(and you should be proud),and now it's his turn. i had to kick my daughter out of the house,and as hard as it was, as it is, i know that it was what i had to do to save her, me and my family. please God help our new friend to stay strong and make the right choices for her family. thank you God for giving her a sister that obviously cares very much for her. please God take care of all our kids. love and peace, sharon

Thanks so much Sharon for the kind words. My name is Sharon too! I have found the support here uplifting and I have found new strength from all of you! God Bless and lets keep the prayers going.

dear sharon,

i knew there was a reason why i liked you. love, sharon

Two Sharons, two Pams, Two Doreens? Nice.

I feel alot better knowing I have people to share all my feelings with no judgement, Iam glad my sister found this group and shared it with me.The last few have been up and down with the way I feel. I told Christopher that I would help with bills if he gets clean and we had a very good conversation the first one in a long time. That was Sunday, and the couple of days after that went very well. Yesterday and today he isnt talking alot to me. And Iam not sure if thats because he found out yesterday that his gf is going into rehab on Tuesday and hes really upset about that, Or do I fear the worse that is did pills? I know I cant stop him from maiking the wrong choice but how will I know? Then Iam scared if I do find out that he still is, if I keep my word and stop helping will he walk out of my life? I just feel so LOST..

i have written this many times before, but i think about it often, and in case you haven't read my posts going back awhile....lisa's doctor asked me one day, "why are you so afraid to stick to your guns and kick her out" i said " i'm afraid that she will kill herself" he replyed 'she is killing herself right now and taking you with her". he won't walk out of your life (well maybe for a little while) he knows that you love him and i think that he knows that he needs you. if he is doing pills again, he isn't thinking clearly. when he's clean or ready to get clean, he'll come back. don't feel lost..if we stick together. we will find our way. love and peace, sharon