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05/06/2012 10:28 AM

Need Help

AMaslow
 
Posts: 413
Member

My beautiful 21 year old daughter is a 3 year IV drug user who was clean for 6 months( after being inpatient for 3 months) and doing great until a few weeks ago... She is back full blown.. Stealing money from me.. She has not been home for the last few days..She texts me that she will go into sober living house on Tuesday if she can get the money to get squared with her dealer on Monday!!!! Even said she might have to "sell herself".. ( what a nightmare this is once again) She has Hep C that was discovered back in December when she went into liver failure from birth control pills.

Part of me wants to get the locks changed and tell her I can't help her in any way unless she wants to get help, go to sober living, she may even need detox again... Then there is that part of me that wants to give her money to pay off her dealer if she immediatly goes in,, ( how sick am I??) I think the liver failure has me terrified.. and selling herself is too painful to even bear!! I think this may be manipulation to get money, but I know she has done it in the past and would not hesitate,

I am a single parent in a high profile job and not many people even know about my daughter...I fear this may be the end for her.. Please help me. this is pure hell.

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05/06/2012 10:59 AM
sec
 
Posts: 901
Member

dear amaslow,

i'm so sorry that you have to join us here. how heartbreaking that she went 6 months and thengot sucked back in. i have no advise (there are many others on this site who are much better at that then i am) but i want you to know that i'll pray for you and her, my daughter is 23 and has been using a few years as well. please God help you and your daughter please God help all our kids. love and peace, sharon


05/06/2012 11:11 AM
AMaslow
 
Posts: 413
Member

Thank you for your response and your prayers, Sharon

05/06/2012 12:16 PM
AMaslow
 
Posts: 413
Member

I just texted her that I was not paying off her drug dealer and was having the locks changed.What was I thinking? There is no end to that...Do you ever go back and look at all your sins and wonder, " Am I being punished?"

05/06/2012 09:54 PM
loli
 
Posts: 252
Member

It takes guts to do what you did...not all of us have the courage, don't punish yourself, it has nothing to with what we did in the past or are doing...it is their choice. There is no easy answer or right way to handle things, we learn as we go along and pray we are doing the right thing. May god help us and our addicted children. Best of luck to you and your daughter.

05/07/2012 03:59 AM
sadmom999
sadmom999  
Posts: 330
Member

I'm so sorry you are going through this again. You did the only thing you could. What we all would have done. You can't have paying for her drugs on your conscience, it won't help either one of you. I'm praying for you and your daughter. At least she has some clean time she can remember when she gets fed up and sick of being sick...it might entice her to get clean again.

05/07/2012 06:01 AM
jodmom
 
Posts: 257
Member

Dear AMAslow, I just read your post and I can relate completely. There is no handbook given to us as what to do, unfortunatly. You are in my prayers and your daughter is as well. I will be thinking of you all day.

Heading back to hospital and hoping to get good news regarding my daughter's progress. Also hoping the transition to new rehab will HAPPEN. Have a good day to all of you amazing people!!

Love,

Wendy


05/07/2012 08:01 AM
pattB
 
Posts: 6638
Group Leader

Dear A Maslow,

First of all welcome to the group i see that so many have welcomed you already which is so nice to see. I have mixed feelings about relapse because I believe relapse can and is a part of recovery, it is nice to hope that any addict can get it the first time around but sadly an H addict will relapse 10-15 times, they don't have to and many of those relapses are just them trying to quit for a few days, but once they gain a few months have had some treatment, and fall, the idea is to get back as quickly as possible, and to learn what happened, what you did or did not do that lead to it. Why I would not give her any money as her dealer can take the loss, they often do, and his threats are manipulation to control her. She could disappear to a detox out of town and once they clean up the dealer is often the one in fear he will be ratted on. I would encourage her to yes, get to detox, but no money. I would let her know you are willing to get her there help her with some smokes and support her in all of that but not paying back a dealer. Unless it is a massive sum of money its his loss he may have been using her anyway for what he has loaned so pretty much I would say if that were the case she is paid up. These dealers like to make them feel like they have a big ass debt but in fact they are the ones who need to be running scared.

Right now in the Us there is a major bust of H dealers going on and if this guy is smart he will let it go as then she is less likely to rat on him. As far as what your daughter has done or may to do , thank God our children are not what they have done using, and it takes them a lot of inventory to forgive themselves but as a Mom I am clear on one thing what my child may have done is not her, it is her addicted drive that brought her places she normally would not have traveled. Same with the guys stealing , raping, beating up people. When I learned to separate that on a deep level with my daughter I was able to act and treat her differently.

Like if she would of said something like I am going to do this, because I have to," I would say "well I think it is your brain telling you have to, as you see no other way out, but perhaps if we explored it in another direction" What I like is the fact that it seems your daughter can talk to you already, so if you keep staying non judgmental and encouraging, even when you may think "oh perhaps I am being scammed once again" Addicts do want to quit so every statement when they say" i want to be done with this shit." is true, the question is can they do it, before the drive out beats the head, and are they going to work harder than a driving pull of the head to maintain it. You set the mood, "I know you can find the strength to do this." When I told my daughter once in a relapse " I get this is the f'en hardest thing to do and I am on your side of the ring, so you get up and and keep fighting, you can do this" She looked at me and sobbed. They want to know we get how f'ren hard it is. I think we believe sometimes they do it just for fun, when in fact they are past that part ,they do it because their head tells them they have to.

Jodmom, I hope it is good news. Love to all Patti

Post edited by: pattB, at: 05/07/2012 08:04 AM

Post edited by: pattB, at: 05/07/2012 08:08 AM


05/07/2012 01:35 PM
islandcat
islandcat  
Posts: 2672
Senior Member

Welcome A maslow. I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. Everybody on here knows what you are going through and your pain is our pain. Good for you for not bailing her out, I am sorry to say that there may have been more times coming if you didnt put your foot down now. I think you will learn reading on here that there will come a time if not right now that you will have to believe her getting sober is in her hands and Gods. There is no quick fix, there is no Mom's love alone that can do it. It will be so very hard but it sounds like you are almost there. Its not just about the addict its about us too, we have to learn to sit back and wait until they reach out to us for help and support in sobriety, not in addiction. Hugs and prayers Lynda

05/07/2012 05:19 PM
AMaslow
 
Posts: 413
Member

Well.... You can only help me if I am honest.. I did end up givig her money to settle her debt!! Here was my ( crazy ) thinking... If it was a con, I will know soon ( it wasn't a large amount of money ) and it may be the price I need to pay to get oriented to reality. I know she may have just bought a hit with it..The deal was that she go into sober living this week.. She says she has a call in to the house now..Not sure I believe her.. She is also supposed to be at a meeting right now.. who knows.. I will have the locks changes if she is not bound for the sober lliving house... Please help me be strong.. You see how pathetic I am!!!
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