MDJunction - People Helping People
 
Ask a Question
05/05/2012 05:13 PM

Cops called last night(page 4)

Measha
Measha  
Posts: 1348
Group Leader

Pam, you know deep inside whether it is time for firmness or time for support. One of my sons speaks mean to our youngest. My youngest reacts by using more (his choice of course).

I tend to be firm or use ignoral when my son is lashing out. Otherwise I am usually supportive if what he is doing is not using. Also, I find it difficult to even talk to him when he is high. I truly believe that mothers have a unique bond with there children, different than fathers. Fathers have their own unique bond. It is different for a sibling in that often they are so angry and have not been as involved in the caretaking history of raising the child.It is a different relationship than a mother/daughter or mother/son relationship. Trust your instincts, mama. Pam

Reply

05/06/2012 11:12 AM
sadmom999
sadmom999  
Posts: 330
Member

She told me once, she uses more when she's upset or anxious. I don't know if that was just to easily get her way with things or whether it was true. Maybe both. Her siblings are extremely angry and both swear they never want to speak to or see her again, even if/when she gets clean. They don't understand what it feels like to be a parent with a grown child in harms way. Its not the same as having an equal in that situation... I haven't heard a word since the last call from jail. She told me when I spoke to her she would keep in touch but I doubted it. So far I'm right. I'm starting to feel like she never had feelings for us, she was just using us all along and now we have no value to her. My brain is saying its just the drugs and she is still there somewhere under them, but my heart is so disappointed and broken.

05/07/2012 08:31 AM
pattB
 
Posts: 6950
Group Leader

I am sorry you have not heard from her, her siblings are mad at her because they know it is hurting you, you know you are right about one thing right now you as a family have less value than her using, but that is very common right, what she needs to know with out spending or giving her a dime is that you know she is strong enough to beat this and that you will continue to support her when she is done with it. I know your heart is broken I know that it is the saddest thing in the world I get it, right now my heart is sad for you because i so remember that heart ache, I am deeply sorry Pam.

You know I developed a formula which was this, hard ass soft ass, good cop, bad cop, I had to soften my views on the whole addiction thing but still keep not buying her bullshit, I started seeing her as a person trapped on a ride even she did not want, then we were able to be on the same fighting team, the reason they like other addicts is they can relate, they know they are in the damn tornado together, and they even wish they were not!

Whatever we have been doing, do it differently, change it up a little, best advise i ever got. So yes to love and support and No to cash and living with you, if they are using, no to shaming an addict already feeling shamed, but we do that. i did that, I had a right to get pisssed to be hurt right? Yes I did, but really it is like telling someone with cancer to get over it, just get off your lazy a-- and get well. So we need to take some mad out on here or learn to express hurt without any more shame. And non of this is directed to you Pam, just hearing myself talk sharing some things I have done along the way, it is so filled with shame the whole addiction Triad. It takes a long time to heal all the hurt they caused and we caused.

Post edited by: pattB, at: 05/07/2012 08:33 AM


05/07/2012 01:21 PM
islandcat
islandcat  
Posts: 2672
Senior Member

I agree but I still believe when you have to let it out, do so. We are human and entitled to our feelings. It may be like talking to a blank wall but its better than keeping it bottled up inside. But as we become smarter on addiction than we can try other things, like Patti says switching it up. When the addict expects to get yelled at and instead is talked to guietly and in a loving way you can just see them mentally shaking their head and wondering what the trick is. I think my son got so used to me ending up in tears when he came around that he would plan his whole manipulation based on that expected emotion. And everyone has the right to get pissed off, darn rights.

05/07/2012 02:37 PM
sadmom999
sadmom999  
Posts: 330
Member

VERY true. She had been communicating with me entirely by text, so she thought I was only angry, the convo sounded angry but when I spoke to her by voice from the jail, I started crying and she acted startled that I was upset. It did throw her off balance and she said she loves me. But the next call, she said I would never hear from her again if I didn't bond her out...so she tried to use my being upset against me. At this point, I'm not going to think it out, I'm going to do and say what I feel. I can't manipulate a master manipulator. It is what it is.

Thanks so much it really helps to hear different perspectives on things. If I ever do hear from her again, I will say what's on my mind but offer hope.

Hugs,

Pam


05/07/2012 06:15 PM
AMaslow
 
Posts: 413
Member

That entitled addict mentality! It remains after they are clean if they have not gotten real and humble.. It takes time.. She is still under there somewhere.. Just got to get the layers peeled. I remember last year when my daughter was in-patient and I got to spend time with her when she was "herself". I said I was so grateful and would always remember that time. I think I knew that it might be fleeting. I just pray that we will both have them back someday when they are ready!

I tried to catch up on all the posts and am thinking she is still in jail.. my thoughts are that the longer she can stay there, the better chance she will start to think clearly.


05/07/2012 08:02 PM
islandcat
islandcat  
Posts: 2672
Senior Member

In 4 years I remember 3 weeks rehab, normal son and total 3 weeks trying to get off drugs by himself and seeming somewhat normal. I cherish every moment of those memories, I dont know the son on drugs. Who is he?

05/08/2012 04:45 AM
sadmom999
sadmom999  
Posts: 330
Member

She was in jail 3 days. Not enough for me. I haven't heard a thing still. Today is the day she was supposed to fly home for her sisters' graduation and I had to cancel her ticket. She graduates on Mother's Day and the whole family was going to be together for the first time in a long time. Its a super sad day here.

Its almost like they revert to being toddlers, spoiled, demanding, manipulative with temper tantrums. So self-centered. Ugh.


05/08/2012 07:14 AM
sec
 
Posts: 902
Member

i'm so sorry. my other daughter is graduating on 6-1. i guess i will wait and see if we are "blessed" with her presence at the graduation and party. it makes me so angry that they just don't care(or don't see) how they are hurting their siblings. oh well, can't ruin the other one's day. hugs, hugs hugs love and peace, sharon please God take care of our kids

05/08/2012 10:48 AM
pattB
 
Posts: 6950
Group Leader

It is true you can't manipulate a manipulator, what I am suggesting is being true to what your feeling and not always showing them you are fine and can deal with it, and to sometimes when they are doing well not freak out from our own old patterns of fear, I think Pam you are exactly right at being honest with how you feel and that is just the thing, do we show we are sad and hurt very much, I think for me i just played hard ass for the most part, in control shields up, but inside I was dying and the fear was so palpable, and she had me moving like a puppet to say and do the right things so she would stay in touch, here is the honest truth, when our kids are using thats all they can think of, they don't hate us and their minds are not thinking clear enough, they want what they want and will use their love as bait, they are self absorbed to the max. I felt much better one day when i bought a tee shirt that read it is all about me, Now did I wear it around her as manipulation, no, I was honest and nurturing my new feelings , heck it was a revelation,

Because feelings are complex we should be feeling what we are feeling and not get stuck into one mode, on days I would miss my child, I would express it, a truth for me remains constant, the child one raised is in there, and they are not all the behaviors they are acting out, nor are we all the shields we carry. So yes be true to what your feeling.

Post edited by: pattB, at: 05/08/2012 10:50 AM

Reply

Share this discussion with your friends:
<< Start < Prev 4 Next > End >>


Disclaimer: The information provided in MDJunction is not a replacement for medical diagnosis, treatment, or professional medical advice.
In case of EMERGENCY call 911 or 1.800.273.TALK (8255) to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Read more.
Contact Us | About Us
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 MDJunction.com All Rights Reserved