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04/06/2012 11:00 AM

How do I know if she's ready for help?

Posts: 23
New Member

My 25 yo step-daughter has been abusing alcohol & drugs (pain pills & cocaine)for almost 10 years. She has escaletd her usage over the past 2 years. In the last year or so I have noticed money & jewelry missing. Her dad pretty much didn't want to see or know what I suspected until it was she stole from him. Yesterday we found tickets to a pwan shop and went there.We recovered some of my jewelry.

Last night we addressed it with very...very hard.

Her and I have become very close over the past 2 years...I knew what she was doing to me but without the proof of the stealing there was nothing I could do. She and I have talked many times in the past 2 months about her issues...recently she has asked for my help. I found information for NA & AA meetings in our area. I even told her I would hold her hand and walk her to the door. However, she needed to cross the threshold on her own. They day we were supposed to go she backed out (2 weeks ago).

After last night and what all came to light and the additional information she supplied we relized that she needs to detox. She agreed.

I did some research today...made a few calls and wrote the information down for her...she now needs to make the calls to set up an intake on her own. I did tell her that she has to make them in front of me so that there is no excuse or lies about why she can't go away.

I'm so afraid for her...I don't know that she's ready...I'm afraid that she's lying and only telling me & her Dad what she thinks we want to hear.

I don't trust her to be honest..I don't know how much further down this hell hole she can go. Did she hit bottom as they say stealing from the people you love and who love you bottom?

I have a gut instinct that there is so much more going on with her. I'm sure last night was just the tip of the iceberg...

How do I know if she's ready?

I want my smiling girl back...

My husband is distraught but he's still making excuses. He felt that she was honest last night she didn't deny stealing from us...but...she had no choice...we found the pawn tickets in her drawer...

I don't know what to help her and my husband...

What do I do next?

Is she ready?

Please any advise is welcome..


04/06/2012 01:46 PM
Posts: 3050
Group Leader

Hi Wanna.

They will tell you anything they want you to believe to keep us off their backs and they will make every excuse under the sun as to why they can't go to a meeting etc. If you can get her to go then do by all means. And your gut instincts is probably telling you correctly that there is more than what you know or even want to know. It is unbelievable what the addict will do to get their drug of choice.

Unfortunately, for us parents we don't want to face it or see it until it is no longer possible to explain their actions away and that be whether you see them high, get a call from the police or them that they are in jail. Some have even gotten calls from medical facilities that their kids are there with an overdose. As parents their is only so much we can do when their adults and I know that I did everything possible to help my son both financially and emotionally.

I pray that your daughter will accept help and that someday she and your family will live a normal happy life. The life of addiction whether it be the addict or family member is a very rough and scary road.

Post edited by: mehman, at: 04/06/2012 01:46 PM

Post edited by: mehman, at: 04/06/2012 01:47 PM

04/06/2012 02:33 PM
Posts: 23
New Member

Thank you so much for your reply...

I have never felt so helpless in my life.

Right now she just came home and went straight to bed...I wasn't I don't know whats going on.

Please let her just be tired...

I know she's tired since we up most of the night.

04/06/2012 05:19 PM
Posts: 2672
Senior Member

Hello Wanna, welcome. We never know for sure when they are ready but we keep pushing them. We take away everything they need to continue using, money a roof over their head, phones etc. They need to wake up one day and think I cant live like this anymore, I am into stealing and looking at jail or an overdose. It can take a long time or if we are lucky a shorter time. As you read through posts on here you will see that most of the time there is theft involved and then courts and perhaps jail. You will learn that the one thing they are afraid of the most, other than giving up their best friend (drugs) is detoxing. Yes it is painful, they get very sick but with medical help they can ease the detox. You are starting to learn all the signs of using, hide all your valuables that you have left, make a plan on how you can push her to hit her bottom. Its one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. Please stay with us and vent and share there are a lot of people on here who can share what they have been through. Hugs Lynda

04/07/2012 12:13 AM
Posts: 125

One thing I learned was that until they really, truly want it... It won't happen. My son came to me for help and we put him in rehab for a month... Even tho he wanted it in the moment, it didn't stick... Found out later that his gf was bringing drugs with her to the family nite visits! Grrrrrr! 2nd time around he was forced into rehab by the courts... Either 6 months rehab or 6months jail. Even after 6 months he got busted for possession. They mandated another 3 months. Gf by now was history ( yay!) he got out, and came to live with us and we did random witnessed testing at least twice a week. Then he still ended up having to do 45 days in jail for his possession charge and participate in probation drug court. Even with all this I don't know if he would have made it... But he met a girl, a good one, and is now happily married with a baby due in July! But still I worry, don't know if I will ever stop. But mostly it's on the back burner with the stove turned off! I enjoy these good days, and hope they never end. Each child is different tho, all you can do is what feels right to you. Listen to your heart, and to that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, and then do what feels right to you. Most of all, take care of yourself. <3 to you!

04/07/2012 02:32 AM
Pen125Posts: 177

Hi Wanna,

It seems that women are much stronger than men.. Fathers find it very hard to accept reality. They tend to withdraw in their pain.

It's important that your husband and you act like one person, otherwise you might end up being the bad person and he the enabler..

No matter how hard it is, he has to see what is happening to his daughter. You could help him with that and it might take some time, but I it's very, very important.

As Lynda [islandcat] said, leaving your best friend [drugs] is extremely scary. Since your step daughter has been using for quite a bit of time, she's taught herself that drugs are the way to live life and deal with reality. Or not deal with reality, actually..

Let her know, time and time again, that you are not judging her and that you are there for her. Even though our loved one might not show it at the time, it's soothing for him/her to know that they are not alone.

Is she living with you?

Does she work?

04/07/2012 08:57 AM
Posts: 23
New Member

Thank you everyone for your responses.

Pen125 - Yes she does both work and live with us. She is having major issues at work because of the drugs/alcohol...hangovers and outbursts do not make for a good employee.

I feel so overwhelmed with all of this.

I spoke with her biological Mom yeatersday who lives out of state and suffers her own addiction problems. Felt like I was talking to a wall. So, very frustrating. J was supposed to go visit her in two weeks. The plans were made before the poop hitting the fan. She still wants her to come. Bad idea I think. The last place she needs to be is in a place where this is all normal. I think that she should away as fast as we can find a place to take her.

I had a talk with J last night after she woke from her nap. I told her the information that I found...explained her different options as well as the philosphy of the different programs. I wasn't aware that programs offer a medically treatment programs. I'm still not sure of all the new terms that I came across. J said that she will make the phone calls today in my presence and see which one she can get into the fastest. Hopefully, before the scheduled trip to see her Mother. Who BTW as not even called her since her father spoke to her and told her whats going on.

What programs are better those that you go cold turkey or the ones that are medicated...soboxin (sp)for the pills and another one that began with an A for the alcohol?

Right now my husband and I are trying to present a united front. I see him waiver on certain issues. For instance I think that it's realy important that she go with him to the pawn shop today to pick up the rest of my jewelry. I think it's important part of owning whats she's done. He see's it as a punishment and part of my anger & pain. She's 25 years old...I can't punish her...but...I can damm well hold her accountable. It's my stuff that's sittng there.

She's very jittery...tired and short tempered. We took her car away from her and I know it's driving her crazy as well...where we live can't she go far without one.

I'm already starting to feel like the bad's very difficult to be the step-mother in the this situation. I love this young women as much as I do my biological children. I know that she loves me as well...I also know that she knows she's not able to manipulate me as easily as her father.

I know I'm all over the place here...rambling.

man, this sucks...

04/07/2012 09:58 AM
Posts: 3050
Group Leader

Ramble away if not we would all go insane. What your trying to do is for her own good and believe me when I say it doesn't matter whether your biological or step parent they can make you feel like they hate you when their in the middle of their addiction. They believe that the drugs and fellow addicts are their best friend.

As far as your husband is concerned when it comes to facing how deep into the addiction they are it can really be hard to accept. Even though you know it is going on you in your guy we just want to believe that it is not that bad or that they have stopped, because the alternative is so hard to wrap our brains around. But eventually, reality sets in and there is no denying it and then is when it really gets hard. What steps to take to help, what to do and not do?

I have to agree with you when you say that the worse place she can be right now is with her mother if she is and addict herself. She will definitely not take the step you and your husband would take to try to help her with her addiction. I don't think and active addict can help another, just contribute to it.

There are many different ideas as to whether using a drug to get off another drug is the right decision. Some say it is a life saver and some say it is worse than the addiction itself. Suboxine is used by many for reasons other than getting off the original drug.It is something that you need to check into and if that is the choice she makes, you must make sure the dr. or facility is reputable. There are many that are just there to make another dollar and don't give two hoots for the addict. Have seen it a lot in our sorry that your going through this.

04/07/2012 11:34 AM
Posts: 6624
Group Leader

I am insane today I am going to the white room and bang my head against the wall. Someone come play with me and tell me it gonna be o.k. But let us pretend it is Christmas, and deck the halls.

04/07/2012 11:36 AM
Posts: 23
New Member

Thank you for all your responces.

I'm a little confused. When you say that the suboxine can be worse then the drug itself what do you mean? Does the suboxine cause a high as well?

How do you know a place is reputable? I asked about sucess rates and was told by two people in seperate facilities that it would be as sucessful as the addict wanted it to be. While I understand that statement I was looking more for statistics like a return rate or something?

I will do some further research on suboxine and alteranative options.

There is just so much to learn...a whole new vocabulary.


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