Parents of Addicts Online Support Group

Hello I have just joined so I am new here. I am looking for a group of people with similar situations. I have been getting conflicting advice from family and don't know if I am doing the right things. My story (shortened) I have a 20 yo daughter that has just told her brother in law she is using drugs and needs help to stop. He told us and it turned into a family affair that upset her. We started by setting boundaries and goals with her. Now I am wondering if that was the wrong way to handle it?

Hello, welcome, sorry you are in the world of addiction. I dont believe there really is a right or wrong way of doing things, it all depends on the personal situation. How long has she been using and what drug? Looking in from the outside it seems she was reaching out for help but didnt want everyone upset. The fact that she did tell someone she wanted to stop is a huge step in the right direction. Is she living with you? You will get a lot of support on here, I hope you read all you can and please feel free to share more of your story if you can. Its not for us to say what is right or wrong but to share what we have been through. I have been going through this for over 4 years but in the beginning I did try to set rules and boundaries whether my son was living with me or not. They meant nothing to him, he was under the control of his drugs and out of control. I hope you will share more, hugs Lynda

hi djdcvt,

i'm so sorry that you are here with us. addiction is horrible, for the addict and the family. my daughter is 23 and i found out a year and a half ago that she was addicted to heroin. never did i expect to be in this situation. i felt alone and scared to death. the people on this site are amazing. no judging just understanding, compation and good advise. you will be surprised at how much better you will feel after hearing their kind, knowledgable words. my daughter has been up and down since last november, she is clean right now (since feb 7) and hopefully she will remain clean, but it has done a number on our family. i will pray for your daughter and for you. please keep sharing, it does help. please God help our kids. love and peace, sharon

Thank you both for the encouraging words. She is living with her sister and brother in law. She has admitted to using coke and "pills". I think she has been using some what recreationally for 1-2 years. She says her BF is using really bad stuff but doesn't elaborate. He is in jail again so she is away from that influence. Yes, I feel that was a huge thing for her to ask for help. Unfortunately our version of help has met with our extended family disagreeing. My brother in law and his wife both have sons that have been addicted to opiates. One appears to be recovering but the other is still using. They have gone to a lot of AA and such meetings and have found help there. They say we need to detach and let this be our daughters battle. They do not think we should restrict her (we don't want her going to the towns and seeing the people she has been using with. She can have her "safe" friends over to visit. I know the friends and have been talking with them and they are on board to help her. These are friends she has lost touch with because they do not hang out with the users.) She started counseling yesterday. She is working and going to college part time. Fortunately she does not have a car so it is easier for her to stay home. I feel in my heart she was close to falling into this very badly and had that moment where she asked for help. I worry all the time the BF will get out of jail and she will be with him and using again though. Sharon, my prayers to you and your daughter. Thanks for "listening"

djdcvt, I am glad you found this site. It is a place to vent and provide support. It is so promising that your daughter asked for help. Many of us have been in situations where the addict is not ready for help. It is a frustrating journey, yet it sounds like your daughter is reaching out. The family needs to heal as well. It is your daughter's battle. I was trying to control, prevent,and stop my son's addiction. Although it brought his bottom up, I found that simply asking him, "What can I do to help?" was a miracle worker. One of the women on this site made the suggestion and it changed our relationship drastically. He realized that I was on his side. Although, I did set rules in our home. They have not always been followed but as long as he is working toward recovery, I choose which battles to bring forward. Heal yourself, treat yourself well, get lots of rest. As the members say: you didn't cause it and you can't control it. Thinking of you. Sending you strength. Pam

djdcvt,

Everyone will have different advise as what to do or not do, some think certain things as enabling, other understand that the drugs today have a much higher risk to walk completly away from, you will have to find that happy medium yourself. You will have to find the balance beteween support and enabling. One thing addicts when they get clean will say is that they are happy their families did not give up on them. Don't make their using easy but even denying cash, food, shelter is an act of doing something. There are new approches which some people find is right for them, some schools of thought believe lessen the harm while using, as big as the world is is as many diffrent views you will have. i support you in finding what feels right for you and your family as you are the one who will have to live with your treatment plan. We are here to support you in how you wish to take it on. I happen to believe if there is even so much as the smallest will to get clean I will support that addict, not enable, but help in bringing up a bottom or taking to meetings, finding treatment. The last thing any of us need is to be victumized for doing something not their way.

That is what is good about this group is we take what we need and leave the rest, no one here will judge you. Besides many of us have done it all anyway and we have a deep sense that it is a process for both the addict and the family. You do what you feel each day calls to you and I will support you in that. Welcome, so glad you got so much good feedback.

Wow you all are so so ??? Awesome thank you. I really liked the simple question "What can I do to help?". It has been a week and I have relaxed with this now that it is out in the open. Since it has been in the back of mind as a possibility for a long time. I need to control my thoughts and not keep thinking what if BF gets back into the picture and envisioning what that would mean. I do try to control situations. I wonder if getting her to realize that the BF is major part of her drug use is even possible. He is a very manipulative person even inside jail. Anyone have thoughts or experience with that?

well.. water seeks it own level and I think that as they get better their choices get better, an addict needs to be with someone that does not use, but say they meet someone in recovery and that person relapses you have to let them reach what it feel like to be used for their money or what ever. The problem is it is said that addict that use together, then get clean together, can relapse together. My daughter did not use with her boyfriend she has, and they were both clean a year before dating, he has some wreckage to clean up and will have to be in a work release for four months so she is going to have to deal with his history. I think addicts can change and we can't pick their mates we can only hope the choose well.

hi djdcvt,

glad you are feeling a little more sane. i tryed desperately to keep my daughter from her "boyfriend"(that started her on heroin). all it did to us is create more opportunities to lie, in fact just about a week ago i caught them together and asked her to leave our house since i couldn't trust her. she begged to come back and i did take her since she is still clean and she swore he too was clean right now and wants to stay that way. i am in no way going to make it easy, but i kinda think that the more i fuss, the worse it gets. i've listened to alot of the moms (and dads) on this site and they are right. only the addict can decide to stay clean, he can't make her do anything that she doesn't want to do. she swears that if he starts using again, she will be done with him. i pray that she is strong enough to do that. i like pattB's line as they get better their choices get better. let's hope our girls will realize who is good for them soon. please God help our kids. love and peace, sharon

My daughters BF has a criminal history a mile long, I think our game plan is to let him know what he will be losing if he f's up. sorry for the strong hint of language, my husband is also trying to be an example as i don't think this boy had a fair shake at life in general, he hot a boy actually he is 11 or twelve years older but I think, they stop maturing at the age they started using. I just pray to God really and I do this a lot. lol not funny but if you knew what a heck i was over it most the time you would think it funny. I make him so nervous that i can't tell if he is nervous because I am watching him or because he wants to desperatly impress me. but he is nervos around me. guess he heard the stories, I long got rid of the base ball bat. lol.