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01/24/2012 09:59 PM

Lostmama Update Again...UGH!

lostmama
 
Posts: 32
Member

Since my last disaster in early December as previously posted...its been a month and a half. I get a call from her probation officer asking if I heard from her..I had to be honest...No I had not heard from her. He sat outside myself like a creepy stalker for several days..Honestly..I hadn't heard from her. Then finally she called my 15 year old...she wants nothing to do with her. She handed her phone to me...I explained to her that her PO is upset and is about to put warrants out on her in two counties. She shows up at my house...I almost have a heart attack...so stressed. She says she needs to go to detox again....so..my dumb ass takes her to the same detox as several times before. When they release her...and her good for nothing boyfriend...(sadly the sperm donor of my granddaughter)...they are homeless...burned all their bridges. and noone will help them..I pay for a cheap hotel for a night so she is not homeless...make her some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches...and wish her the best. She has been calling me from the hotel phone saying she is going to have to panhandle for food and shelter tomorrow..it is killing me. Why is this my problem??? Why do i feel so upset???? I thought I had hardened enough to deal with her...NOPE. Still a broken heart....She has creepy eyes and track marks...my child is killing me...slowly but surely.
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01/24/2012 10:23 PM
pattB
 
Posts: 6625
Group Leader

Oh gosh I am sorry. Well it is time perhaps to not answer the phone, and we all understand why you do it because we have all done it and you are so not a dumb ass you were wanting to help but the help she needs she only thinks will come from you. so question.. is the bf with her now? where you live do have snow? Is it below 32 degrees? Does she have a jacket? Are there food banks or food kitchens? Your not the only one with a broken heart but having a broken heart does not make you broken it makes you human. You are a good Mom and frankly i would of done the same thing, as it is not easy when heart strings are being pulled, it caught you off guard, you had no shields up and like me, you were already stressed ( I was big time yesterday) before she showed up. So maybe you need to look at and remember how much you are helping her by backing off and letting what is suppose to happen to happen.

Was her attitude and intention to get clean when she left detox? I am willing to bet she knows where there is a Na meeting and hot coffee and cookies can be had there. It only feels like she is killing you because your letting the begging get to you, try if you can to get some sleep and take care of yourself tonight. Make some tea and have a hot shower and think of something else for tonight, unless you want to vent, as sometimes that is helpful as well. it is up to you, you know how to do this. I am sending you love and support. patti


01/25/2012 04:46 AM
lostmama
 
Posts: 32
Member

Thank you Patti. I feel like I am losing my mind! Lets pray for a good day for both of us. Debra (lostmama)

01/25/2012 05:41 AM
fleabag73
fleabag73  
Posts: 181
Member

Damn Debra, this is the very same shit I pulled on my poor Mom when I was using it's called a Guilt Bomb. Incidentally my Mom said the same thing about my eyes too, she ALWAYS knew when I was high on dope, she got hardened to it too. You HAVE to in order not to get dragged down with them. It's time to cut her ass off unless she is willing to go to treatment and give up that looser she calls a BF, cuz that's nothing more than junkie love if you ask me. I gravitated towards guys that I knew were known users, god the shit my mother had to stand by and watch me do, that was a MAJOR bone of contention with us, was the loosers i dated. She knew i could do better but that the drugs were dictating who I dated and pretty much my entire life was centered around drugs. Sometimes anger is an easier emotion to deal with, the emotional end of it made my Mom crazy. If I can get clean, so can your daughter cuz i used to be the person that you just KNEW would die of an overdose cuz of the way I used, the ppl I rolled with, all of it. This isn't hopeless Debra, it's not. You gotta find a way to deal with this and protect the rest of your family for the time being. don't put your life on hold anymore, your daughter isn't, why should you? When she does finally come to you for help, be there, surround her with love and support thru RECOVERY, not while she is actively using, STAND YOUR GROUND! Give her what your bottom line is should she continue to use and that you and your family will ALWAYS love her, but that if she continues to use, you can no longer have a relationship, cuz at this point she may still be your daughter, but the person she used to be is long gone. You want your DAUGHTER back, not this shell of a person she is today. My mom played dirty and brought the photo album out, when I saw what I used to look like, and how happy I was, I just crumbled. Sometimes a reality check is alot more effective than you think. These are just suggestions based on what mom and i went thru, if you ever need to talk, I'm always here. Hugs, Heather

01/25/2012 10:08 AM
islandcat
islandcat  
Posts: 2672
Senior Member

Nice to hear it from your perspective Heather. It does give us all hope even though we have to stand strong and turn our backs on them until the time is right. Lostmama you did just as we did when my son showed up with only the shirt on his back, his Dad put him up in a hostel/motel, gave him some food. Neither of us had the strength to drop him off on the street corner. We have snow here by the way. And he does know where the food bank is. He has moved again and in my gut I know he is knee deep in crap. Hugs Lynda

01/25/2012 06:05 PM
teetime4u
teetime4u  
Posts: 1002
Senior Member
I'm an Advocate

Lostmama, I just finished going through the same thing. My daughter showed up about 3 weeks ago. Homeless with a small bag of dirty clothes. She lived with me till I could get arrangement and airline tickets to Or. Cause I had to get her out of our valley, she is clean right now,(6 months) But this town is poison for her. She was already starting to get the itch. So I flew her 3000 miles away. She arrived today. How do I feel about that, sad that it came to this. But also hopefull that she will take this opportunity to start over. She has a chance to make it or break it. I hope the best for her. But I cant live with her. The wounds are way to deep. Love Tee

Lynda hopefully he will wake up soon. But just like me you are never sure. One thing about addicts. We are thinking the worse, homeless, starving, in jail,dead. Yet the hard core reality of it all is that. They are very resourceful and can make it. And keep their drugs. Its crazy!!!! Just let them really hit their bottom. Pick up the pillows all of us are guilty of doing and let them slam hard. A reality check sometimes is the best method. Just like Fleabag said and the insight of an exaddict lets you know it all!! Bless you fleabag!!!!! Love Tee


01/25/2012 08:29 PM
lostmama
 
Posts: 32
Member

Heather...this was a powerful response and I thank you. Debra

01/25/2012 08:34 PM
lostmama
 
Posts: 32
Member

I left her some food. she had track marks in her damn neck. i feel like a failure and am soooo sad I can barely breath. I cannot focus on any thing. My house is a damn mess...I can't focus at work...It has been freaking 19 months since this pain started. I am done. I don't know where she is...or if she is even alive...how can any mama survive this????

01/25/2012 09:29 PM
Measha
Measha  
Posts: 1210
Group Leader

Lostmama, I know it is easier said than done. When you feel yourself giving in to the guilt or fear, read Heather's (fleabag's) post again. Over and over if need be. That is my plan of action because my child is resourceful as can be. My gut says he did oxy today. I felt the adrenlin rush through my body and the fear started to take over. I got on here, read Heather's post and I have a new lease on my future actions regarding my son. I know how it is to not function at work as well: I was on the verge of tears and hysteria on a daily basis for 6 months, as I had two of three boys that were addicted to their drugs of choice. I am finally getting some of my life back, and I refuse to go down the road of the devil with them again. My heart, soul, and brain can't live through it. My prayers go out to you tonight to find strength and courage to love from a distance, to support her in her recovery, not in her active addiction. I am so sorry you are going through this. Thinking of you. Pam

01/26/2012 12:52 AM
pattB
 
Posts: 6625
Group Leader

Debra,

Everyone has pretty much said everything I only want to add that you can do this, and we all find the way after we have hit the walls in the maze to find a more comfortable route for us. Not for their recovery, but we wish that and want that for our kids, but it gets to a point where we too must live through it.

We talk a lot about surviving and in a sense we are all in our own personal wars, even as we detach there are still the battle scars, the worry the fear.

Sometimes when the addict is in active addiction using and you can't bear to see the track marks take care to protect yourself, speak to her as to not see them, if you can't talk to her because it hurts to damn much but you need to know she is alive, text her. Whatever.

God gives us the strength, and we have all learned to numb. Numbing and shutting down are gifts really. (and not to worry you can deal with it later when the your body can handle it.)

So if you have not seen her and are afraid for her this might be a time to find out if she is ok via a text or something. That is for your comfort.

I made a deal with my daughter that i just needed to know she was ok every so many days.

Screw the house, i know it feels better when it is clean but if you do not have the energy, let it go. You can always get to it when your up to it.

At work when your mind can't think or concentrate, do some breathing bring in a pile of pleasant pictures or nature or sunsets, birds, whatever, and look at them in you breaks, really study them.

I think she is alive she is just playing you right now because you would not come to the rescue after the motel night. It may be a manipulation to punish you so she can teach you a lesson to pay up next time. Thats what my daughter did.

You are doing good just keep riding it it will get better and you are learning new tool everyday.

It sounds as if you desperately want you life back, and in order to do that you have to surrender her to her God and her higher power, you may have to cry out all the tension and the world will look a new. I fight the cry all the time because sometime I feel if i start i may never stop. We all just try the best we can to survive this hell.

It does not matter if you numb or cry, your body will do its job to survive this and you are doing a hell of a job surviving it.

You are strong and if I lived closer or knew you personally i would come over and clean your house and pamper and take care of you for two days. That really is the core sometimes we need nurturing as well, especially when we have f'n had it!

I think every POA mom needs a traveling Nanny to the rescue. Please buy yourself some flowers tomorrow, if you can't afford it , get them anyway. They say a living plant, if even a african violet is really good by the side of your bed, as it will absorb energy.

We all love you because we get it, and we, I think, all know we are loving a part of ourselves in being supportive to one another. Love, patti

Post edited by: pattB, at: 01/26/2012 01:20 AM

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