MDJunction - People Helping People
 
Ask a Question
11/15/2011 02:44 PM

My Adult Son is on Meth...

JustJulie62
JustJulie62Posts: 925
Member

I raised my son as a single mother. He only ever smoked pot, which didn't concern me to some extent, and we always talked about addictions that run in the family. He has never been to jail or committed any crimes (that I am aware of). Always held a job, hard worker - never called in sick unless he was really sick - always wanted a family life.

Two years ago his partner of 11 years left him for another man - they have a four year old daughter together. In the past year, rumor has it he is doing meth (he used to bash meth addicts too!) - I haven't physically seen him since March of this year. We were always so close - now I am lucky if he returns my calls. (He lives two hours away, I have driven down to see him but always miss him - not a planned visit) I think he feels a lot of shame.

A month or so during a phone conversation I asked him straight up "are you doing meth?"...he said "No Mom, I've only ever smoked weed"...yet his behavior and physical appearance (way too thin) dictates otherwise. He is neglecting his responsibilities as a father - after all these years of wanting kids - now he has one and is not there for her.

His daughters mother calls and screams at me to do something about it. I believe she still cares for my son and says "You are the ONLY one he will listen to" yet that is not true anymore...he won't even call me back. She wants help with the kid - but I told her if he is doing meth you DO NOT want her subjected to that environment. She rages at me and cries saying she needs help. I am going to take my grand daughter for a week so she can have a break. I have told her the only one who can fix my son - is him. Painful as it is for me to say.

I feel like a failure as a mom. I know this is normal but it still feels awful. He always told me the truth in the past - and I don't understand why he won't now. He needs to go into treatment - do something.

he told me he is really depressed and only stays alive for his daughter - yet he is not following through with visitations - he lost is job, so not paying child support either. i think my daughter in law feels i should pick up his financial obligations, but I lost my job and my husband is not willing to do this.

My heart has broken, now it is crumbling. I try not to think about the worse case scenarios...finding him dead being the worse. he is my only child.

I've taken up prayer, as that is all I can do at this point. My baby boy is killing himself and I can not stop it.

I lie to people when they ask "how is Matthew?"...and i get mad to those people who know about it and criticize him for not being there for his child.

The holidays are going to be shitty this year. Funny I used to work in recovery and feel people can heal/recover - but I know you cant make them seek treatment unless they want it.

Sometimes I think if I could turn back the clock I could have done things differently, given him better advice, support, something....it will KILL me if he dies. Literally. He is my soul mate.

Alanon hasn't really helped me cope well. My husband is mad at him because I am depressed and worried...then I get mad at him for being callous and in my opinion, doesn't care.

Thanks for listening. Need to wipe my tears and the snot that is running down my nose..such pain.

Reply

11/15/2011 03:37 PM
momwithfaith
 
Posts: 33
Member

Hey there JustJulie62, My mouth just dropped open reading your post. My son has been using Meth off and on for the past year. He self-medicated with pot for years too. He always said he would NEVER TOUCH Meth. All it took was becoming friends with people who were using and they kept being persistent that he give it a try. That's all it took. My son struggled with depression prior to him starting Meth, now it gets even worse when he's not using. It's a terrible vicious cycle. I'm a single mom as well and I always question what I could have done differently. Please know that you did not do anything to cause him to start using Meth. It's can be so hard at times, but that's why we are all on this site, to support each other. I'm here for you anytime you want to talk. Send me a message anytime. God Bless and Stay Strong, Linda

11/15/2011 06:56 PM
pattB
 
Posts: 6950
Group Leader

Nice reply post Linda.

11/16/2011 12:35 PM
islandcat
islandcat  
Posts: 2672
Senior Member

Justjulie, it breaks my heart to hear stories on here of your only child becoming addicted. I am so sorry for you. It seems reading your story he is very likely doing meth or whatever, the signs are there, avoiding you and his daughter, not telling you the truth. It is good you understand addicts even though when you are living it, it does seem different. And yes, we all do the little white lies when asked how our sons are, we get tired of being judged, I feel like yelling as loud as I can, try walking in my shoes before you judge me. We are here for you, hugs Lynda

11/20/2011 11:06 AM
JustJulie62
JustJulie62Posts: 925
Member

Thanks for the support....wishing we could put all our kids in a large basket, twirl them around, fill their bellies with milk and cookies and they would emerge happy, healthy and clean.

04/02/2014 11:05 AM
Uresti67
Posts: 2
New Member

I feel your pain. My son is currently in jail and I will not bail him out because I cannot afford an attorney and him staying is the only way he can get a court appointed attorney. I would cut off my left arm to take his place. I have never been addicted to alcohol or drugs and I am having a very hard time coping.

My son was a sports star in high school and had a very promising future in sports. He received a scholarship at a college and while away in school I feel that's when his issues started.

Now, he's 25, homeless and jobless. He keeps hanging around with other meth users and he too started with pot.

I love my child so very much and I can't figure out what went wrong. His sister is a RN and works over other nurses in an office and has done very well for herself. I raised them the same, I just don't know why he chose this path. This is literally breaking my heart....it's so hard to go to work everyday, eat and sleep knowing that he isn't. I'm scare for him to be on the streets and I'm scared for him in jail. He calls crying and begging me to get him out and I am so tempted, but I can't. He has to see the big picture to wait in there until an attorney is appointed to him. He promises that I can monitor him 24/7 but I know that he will start with his raging fits and sleeping all day until he gets his way.

I hope I'm doing the right thing.


04/02/2014 12:02 PM
ElizabethL
ElizabethL  
Posts: 1805
Group Leader

Urest, welcome to the group. We will help you through this with support, love, and advice if you want any.

There is nothing you have done to make this happen. In my opinion, addicts choose their paths in life, just as we choose ours.

One thing that Al-Anon teaches is to be aware when we get sucked into "feeling their feelings". For me, I imagine that my son is suffering greatly for no purpose, and I just want it to stop, or for me to rescue him...anything to take away the pain. Now I have learned that I have to let my son feel all of that pain, or he can't learn to get better. Addicts don't normally stop using until they get very, very sick of the lives they lead. If we "rescue" them, they can't learn.

Many of our children on this site have been made homeless due to their addictions (my son included), have lost jobs and families, careers cut short. It's all part of the process and seems horrible and sad..but we can't write the script for them.

We have learned to let them stay in jail, to turn off the ringer on the phone, to tell our kids that we know they'll be ok and they can handle this. If they're in jail it feels like they're safer than out on the streets using.

You are doing the right thing. Hang in there, try not to worry...your son is an adult and he will do best if he learns from his choices.

Big hug to you...I know how painful this is, how consuming and heartbreaking.

xoxoxox


04/02/2014 05:46 PM
julie411
 
Posts: 1193
Group Leader

Welcome JustJulie,

I am so sorry about your son. We all have experienced what you are going through and the pain you feel. We are all together to get through this. You are not alone and you have a support group. It breaks my heart you are here, but welcome. Hugs

Urest, welcome as well and all the same to you. Many of the parents here have hoped for the arrest of their sons and daughters. I would not bail him out. He needs to learn. Tonight, he is safe and off the streets. He may think about what he is doing to his life and seek help. You may with a bit of luck even get him some court ordered help. If you bail him out, he will continue the way he is now. Rest, as tonight he is safe. Much love and many hugs. I know it is hard, but this is a good place for him to start change.


04/02/2014 07:20 PM
Measha
Measha  
Posts: 1348
Group Leader

Urest, Welcome to the forum. It sounds like you are doing the right thing by not bailing your son out. It is important that he own his decisions and feels the consequences of his behavior. Thinking of you and glad you found is. This is a great second home for support, understanding and insight. You will not feel alone on this journey. Treat yourself well. Pam

04/03/2014 11:54 AM
pattB
 
Posts: 6950
Group Leader

urest. welcome... you did the right thing..
Reply

Share this discussion with your friends:
<< Start < Prev 1 Next > End >>


Disclaimer: The information provided in MDJunction is not a replacement for medical diagnosis, treatment, or professional medical advice.
In case of EMERGENCY call 911 or 1.800.273.TALK (8255) to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Read more.
Contact Us | About Us
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 MDJunction.com All Rights Reserved