Parents of Addicts Online Support Group

Ok, my 19 year old son is basically living on the street. He has been to rehab twice and can't complete it. The last time he walked out. He has stolen from us and pawned our things for drug money. I had a drug dealer come to my door at one point asking for the money my son owed him. I have a 15 year old daughter at home and cannot have these kinds of things put her in danger. Even though I know him not being here is the right thing, I struggle with the fact that he has NOWHERE to go and basically noone who is decent will take him in. I know I am not responsible for his choices but I keep wondering how he will ever get help. It is very difficult, as a mother, to envision him sleeping in cars and walking around on the streets all night. UGH!

I know all too well exactly what you are feeling. I have kicked my daughter J out a total of seven times and she's only 20 years old (I think I counted right). Two times were before she was on drugs. We knew her boyfriend was using so twice she was given a "him or home" ultimatum when she was barely 18. She chose him. The other five times were, what we thought, honest to goodness attempts at sobriety. When we kicked her out she was always asked to leave immediately, within the hour, after either failing or refusing a drug test. Three of the five times she was taken away in an ambulance or by police in handcuffs. She has stayed in heroin houses, with absolute total strangers she met on the street, hospitals, crisis centers, in her car, drug buddies, good people that she was able to dupe the list goes on and on. The one thing I am absolutely sure of is J would have never sought help if she hadn't gotten that low. It doesn't make the days and nights any easier and I always knew J may die before her next "bottom" was reached but she I knew she would die eventually if she didn't get help. So I put on my game face and waited and worried and cried and fell apart and fell apart again and waitied and worried and cried and fell apart over and over again. It never ever got easier for me when she was out there, but I waited and the good news for me is the call for help always came. The call WILL come, whatever the call will be and there will things to do when the call comes. Even typing about our children on the street seems unreal, seems like you can't type words that describe the fact that this is my CHILD on the STREET. I always wanted to yell it. Do people really really understand that this is my CHILD on the STREET? Even typing it seems to mininmize the fact this is MY CHILD ON THE STREET. I hope I am making sense to you disco. I am not very good at articulating how I feel. I just know how you feel so deeply. I wanted to just make people understand how much I loved that child on the street. I could never get across the depth of my love (I still can't). I could never type in words how much I loved that CHILD on the STREET. Even "love" doesn't do my emotion justice. Unfortunately I also never could figure out how to ease the waiting........

loislayne, Thank you. Thank you for hearing me and responding. Your words make me feel stronger. Yes, I want to say that is my CHILD on the STREET...that resonates with me and I know exactly what you are saying. I can't believe it when I type it either and it often seems so surreal to even think about it. I also think you are right that the waiting is the hard part. Even though I go about my day and yes, I often laugh and have fun...the thought of that next call still lingers over me. I guess it makes us stronger in some ways that we have yet to even know.

I am ashamed to say I was also quick to judge the families of children I saw hanging on the street. Years ago if I were to see a young adult in a bad situation on the street I would shake my head, tsk tsk, and wonder WHAT kind of parents they must have! No guidance there! I would then drive home to my husband and two wonderful, beautiful, well adjusted, well raised, intelligent, well mannered children. Now that same child on the street could be my daughter. J's addiction has put me in my place and humbled me so. I still fight wanting, needing to make sure everyone she comes in contact with knows her family loves her, she has a loving home, came from a loving home, could still have a loving home but she chooses to be homeless because she chooses the drug. Get through today...stay strong...

Waiting, waiting, waiting, that's what we do. Wait for them to hit rock bottom then wait for them to get help then wait for that help to be over (and hopefully work) so we can move on with our REAL lives and, for me now, wait for the next relapse so we can start the process all over again. How do we move on and not just sit and WAIT?

I made this comment on a diary entry and I found this WAITING is becoming my biggest problem. I am trying hard to figure out how to quit just waiting, to go on with my own life. Right now I am flat out unable to. I know I NEED to, but it just CAN'T! I can't even say with all honesty that I WANT to. Even waiting gives me something to DO when I feel helpless. I think at least I can WAIT for her. In my mind I tell her "I won't give you money or a home or a phone call or a visit because that's enabling and that won't help you right now but I will WAIT for you my dear. I will sit and wait for you, my only daughter, I will wait my whole life if I have to." It's probably my own little private form of enabling. My own suffering because of how, by trying so hard not to enable she is suffering. Somehow I think I should suffer too. It's the least I can do. I know that sounds crazy but....I am pretending to go on but I'm NOT. I guess pretending is all I can do right now. I want someone to tell me how to go on. I mean actually say do this specific thing or that but I know noone has the answers for me. I haven't seen my beautiful, freckle faced daughter since January 21st. It's a long time and alot of WAITING....

I am so sorry and I feel your pain. I somehow feel like maybe if I do my share of suffering that will take some of his away. I am not one to give advice but sometimes when the pain is too great I visualize taking his hand placing it in God's and saying here "you take care of our son" and you know that seems to help. Another thing I will do is visualize him surrounded by white light, happy, healthy and free from addiction. It sounds crazy but in so many ways we are helpless against the destructive lives of our children but imagining a happier outcome helps me.