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09/04/2013 07:35 PM

Help! My Son wants to leave rehab to do his jail time

DbMom
DbMom  
Posts: 279
Member

Hello,

I am new here and am hoping for some guidance. Here is a little background.

My 25 year old son is a heroin addict. He was arrested for shoplifting and after 5 weeks in jail was given the choice of a 6 month rehab program or 18 months in jail. He chose rehab. He was there for 34 days when he called and said he got kicked out for bad attitude and needed a way back home so he could turn himself in to the courts. So I bought him a bus ticket home. He wasn't home for 24 hours when he started getting high again. Court was the following day and the judge released him so he could try to find another rehab. It took him a couple of weeks but he did find another rehab in another state so bought him a bus ticket to the new rehab.

Skip forward to today. He has been in the new rehab for 17 days and wants me to send him bus ticket home. He hates it there and wants to come home and just do his jail time. At first I told him give it another week and if he still preferred to do jail time I would send him a ticket. Now I don't know if that was the right thing to do. Part of me figures he is a grown man and if he wants to do jail instead of rehab then it is his choice. I also know he will just get himself kicked out if I try to make him stay.

Guess my real question is....do I just send him bus fare home so he can do his jail time or do I leave him there and if he gets himself kicked out let him find his own way home to do his jail time? That would mean he would have to hitch hike across a couple of states with no money or food.

My mind is a whirl and I don't know what to do!

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09/04/2013 08:07 PM
sec
 
Posts: 901
Member

dbmom, welcome to our family. I am so sorry that you have had to join us but glad that you are reaching out. i'm wondering how long your son has been an addict? how long have you known about this? this is a very hard journey and you will find that we are at all different places, but yet share so much of the same. my daughter is 24. she is a heroin addict with 11 months clean and a baby due any day (praise God) I have been dealing with this monster for about 3 years and I think she had been using for awhile before I found out. she was also arrested for shoplifting as well as possession. but only spent one night in jail (really good, really expensive lawyer). in and out of rehabs, sober living...I guess what I want, need to say is that they will not get clean until they are ready. and when they are ready they will stay in rehab, they will do what ever it takes to get clean, they will loose the "bad attitude" getting them kicked out. I don't think you should send him money. this of course is just my opinion, but I know I spent lots and lots of money trying to "help" her with her recovery. it is his recovery and I am afraid you will just be wasting your money. it is so hard to step back when your child needs you, but as many of us have learned (the hard way), sending money will just prolong the journey. let go, let God and let him work on his own recovery. I am so sorry that you are going through this. please keep posting, it does help to know that you are not alone, and unfortunately you are far from alone. prayers, love and peace, sharon

09/04/2013 08:51 PM
DbMom
DbMom  
Posts: 279
Member

Thanks for replying Sec.

Congratulations on your daughter being clean and sober and for that grandbaby that is on the way!

I found that my son was a heroin addict about 14 months ago. Now that I know the signs of heroin I'm sure he has been using heroin for at least 2 1/2 years. I think his addiction got really bad when he landed a good paying job. All he did was buy tons of drugs. He became so addicted that he couldn't go to work half the time and got fired after about 5 months. He hasn't had a job since.

He has tried to OD and told me he was so sad when he woke up the next morning. He had me take him to the ER but then decided to leave when they wanted to put him on a 72 hour watch. I haven't allowed him to live in my home for the last 3 years because he is just so unpredictable. Loving one minute and threatening to burn the house down the next. I refuse to live that way. He has spent a lot of the last 3 years homeless and living out of his car or crashing with other druggy friends. Nothing was harder then having him over for dinner, enjoying his visit and then telling him...OK son you have to go spend the night in your car because I'm ready for bed. But it is what I have done. Of course I have had my weak moments and given him gas money or paid his phone bill ect.. Mostly to ease my mind and make sure he had enough gas in his car to leave my neighborhood so I wouldn't have to see him parked in front of a neighbors house sleeping in his car.

I did tell him that if he chose to stay in rehab I would help him buy his cigarettes but if he chose jail I would not be putting any money on his books this time.

Seems like no matter what choice I make I second guess it. My brain knows that sending him a bus ticket home if he leaves rehab is wrong but my heart breaks with worry thinking of him hitch hiking home.

Let Go and Let God is something I try to do everyday. I know I didn't cause it...I can't control it...and I can't cure it.


09/04/2013 09:25 PM
ElizabethL
ElizabethL  
Posts: 1659
Group Leader

Db..welcome, also...I'm so sorry you're in this mess with the rest of us.

I would do exactly as you mentioned. I would, as much as possible, make him responsible for his life. Going back to jail as opposed to rehab is ok...you could let him stay in rehab, in case he figures out how to make that work, then send him money to come home for jail.

I have to say, loud and clear, that you are doing a great job. You are trying not to enable. We do enable sometimes, but it's over the long haul that matters, and you are doing really well.

I would let him feel the consequences of the rehab (though all of this hurts us to do...), and if he can't take it let him finish jail time. He is still learning at each phase of the game here, as are we. We all second-guess ourselves, but you are on the right track. If you send him a bus ticket it's ok...he's only going to jail. I know there's a very "hard" line, then there's all the gray areas...you will know when you are forced to do something, as you did when you said goodbye after dinner and he slept in his car. This is a gray area, so give yourself the ok to do whatever you need to do in the moment. Your son's addiction will run its course...some kids take longer than others, and it's not our fault. Let him feel the pain of what he has created, which you are doing now. Good job. I'm sorry, though, for the pain you've been through. I had to put my son out onto the street, and remember the panic very well. He is 9 months clean now though, from being homeless.

There is hope, always...he will be ok. Love and keep posting! Smile


09/04/2013 09:42 PM
julie411
 
Posts: 895
Group Leader

No way send another bus ticket! Let him go through and figure it out. Welcome! I am in your corner and know you are confused and in pain. You have done enough. Do not be the one that keep letting him to his out. I know it is hard, so hard. He has to deal with it and he has to decide it is not worth getting high! All my love. Take care of yourself Lady! We are here to hear your pain.

Post edited by: julie411, at: 09/04/2013 09:47 PM


09/05/2013 09:21 AM
shaken
 
Posts: 106
Member

I agree with Julie, Dbmom, you tried that before, and he took advantage of it and got high right away. Although 18 months in jail would certainly get him "clean and sober" (hopefully - depends on how secure the jail is) - he'd then be able to "blame you" for "letting him go to jail."

Sometimes it feels like no matter WHAT we do, we can't "get it right" in their eyes..

Second guessing myself has always been the worst for me -

But I would say, "No, I did that last time, and you let me down. Stay where you are, work the program, or don't. But I'm not bailing you out of rehab OR jail."

Just my advice - I know I try to stand firm and then cave in, too - but since this isn't the first time he's tried this "trick" - you'd only be teaching him he can do this over and over.

Keep us posted - welcome to this group. I'm a new member myself. Gha, our boys and girls can just kick our butts sometimes, huh??

You aren't alone. We'll all be pulling for you - and for him. If he wants to leave rehab, he can work it out with them - maybe they can refer him to local services or an employment coach - and get himself home.

Sending comfort and understanding your way.

Vicki


09/05/2013 11:07 AM
ElizabethL
ElizabethL  
Posts: 1659
Group Leader

I have to confess that I paid my son's car payment when he was in rehab. I knew I shouldn't, but I wanted him to drive himself to work asap, and I didn't want to hear any b.s. about not being able to get to work.

Everybody here told me I was enabling, which I was. Sometimes we have to do whatever it takes to get through each hurdle, so each one of us has to just do the best we can.


09/05/2013 11:33 AM
troubled2
troubled2  
Posts: 925
Member

Db, I wanted to say welcome. This group has helped me through so much. My son is 19 and in recovery, if I can believe what he tells me. I only know at this point that he is functional. My son tells me that they can get drugs in jail, but I don't see how your son would be able to if you weren't going to put money on his books. I do know that they can sure be sneaky!

Elizabeth, if my son was in rehab I would probably pay his car payment. I will help, if he is helping himself.

Vicki, you put that very well. My gut feeling was not to send him a ticket but I wasn't sure why.


09/05/2013 12:40 PM
DbMom
DbMom  
Posts: 279
Member

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. I feel so blessed to have found this site. Even though I do attend Al-Anon meetings I still felt I needed something more and I do believe this site is exactly what I needed. Just finding a group of caring people who understand the craziness that comes along with having a child who is an addict is so comforting. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to get to know all of you, just wish it were under better circumstances.

I did delete my Facebook account yesterday as that is how my Son was contacting me. Yes, he should still be on blackout but they seem to find a way around everything. I didn't tell him I was deleting my Facebook so I don't know what he is thinking and only a small part of me even cares what he thinks anymore. I just knew I needed a mental break from him. Hoping once he realizes that he has no way to contact me he will settle in to rehab.

Thanks again everyone!


09/05/2013 08:25 PM
Measha
Measha  
Posts: 1205
Group Leader

Welcome to the group, DbMom. You sound very strong. Stay true to yourself and trust yourself. Your son sounds like he needs the opportunity to succeed or to fail. He will figure it out, although, I know how hard it is to second guess our decisions when it comes to the addict. I never knew if what I was doing was right, but I had to learn to trust my instincts. I found out that doing nothing was doing something. Prayers for your son to continue in rehab. Pam
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