HELPPPPPPPP! The many faces of Kyle.

I recently joined up on mdjunction on several different groups and so far all have been just absolutely INCREDIBLE! Right now, I really need this one....Let me tell you a little about my son (I say little, but I know me, this will end up long....). I was a single mom for a great many years, had a terrible time with his father and drug addiction and phyiscal abuse. He was a trooper, always there to help and the most agreeable happy little boy and best big brother to his siter any one could ever ask for. Many times I would have to tell him, I'm the mom, you just go be a kid and stop worrying all the time, I got it...it's ok!

When he went to Kindergarten I decided it was time for one more big change and went to college. It wasn't something I'd planned on, but that's what happened. We were in dire straights, I'd lost my career, was in the middle of this nasty divorce, had no where to live and had a 5 year old and a 2, almost 3 year old.....so I moved back home to my daddy's and went back to college. Best thing I ever did! My kids never knew how poor we were. As I said, my son was the best! He was very college minded because of how I studied and he was very helpful with his sister. He's an extremely gifted athelete and had been since the moment he could walk (he could literally throw a baseball before he could walk....no, I'm not kidding. and he could hit the ball being pitched to him over the fence in our back yard by age 1 1/2. He hit .537 last year in baseball....so when I say gifted, I mean GIFTED.)

Anyways, eventually I was done with the little community college I was going to and we needed to move on. It was so hard for them, but we packed up and went out to seek more dreams and I moved us to New York (we were in Oregon) so I could finish my degree. In my mind, it was the only way I was ever going to be financially secure and never have to depend on any man ever again to raise my kids. I wanted to make sure they went to college, so I had to set that example first and where I grew up, the men only had two choices, you become a logger or a fisherman. Both of which are fine....but my son wanted to be a baseball player or a musician. We'd outgrown the little Oregon town.

Anyways, to cut out some of the middle stuff, I met someone while I was in school and fell madly in love..he's wonderful and the kids adore him but we took things very very slow. He used to come out to see us in Oregon (he has an office there, but I'd been dating him a year before I let him meet the kids) and then when we moved to New York he lived two hours away for the first two years, so no that's not the reason I chose here to live. My degree was in Journalism, I think that explains why I felt I wanted to move to New York to finish school. Of course as with many things in life, things do change though and we bought a house together after I graduated and have been disgustingly in love and happily raising the kids together ever since.

When Kyle, my son, was in 3rd grade he was offered a chance to learn how to play the violin. When he was little he used to change all the radio stations in our house to classical stations, especially before a soccer game, he said it helped him think...and since he was two he'd been asking for one even though he didn't know what they were called and would just make the motion with his hands to describe it. He was in love with the sound of the violin and could pick it out of any musical piece, you could actually see the join spread across his face whenever he heard it! So when he asked i figured, well it was free, so I couldn't say no. He is now about to finish his 6th school year playing violin and he is absolutely AMAZING! He often can play by ear, writes his own songs, sometimes just picks it up and plays whatever comes out. It's so beautiful to just listen to, even when it's more MY Chemical Romance than Classical coming out of it more and more....LOL

He also sings, acts and dances and does plays whenever he can with the local community childrens theatre. I'd like to add at this point that these are things he would have NEVER had the chance to do, learn or foster living in Oregon where we did so every time he picks them up I know I made the right choice to move here.

Last fall, he picked up his sister guitar for the first time...just started to play! He says "mom! did you know I could play the guitar?" I just kinda laughed and said, well that would make sense. I am always so amazed, but never surprised by his many talents. His father and my now husband conspired together and he got a guitar for his christmas present..he plays it every single day. Then a few months later, while in his select chorus class while they weren't doing anything, he sat down at the piano and just started to play....his teacher said, Oh Kyle that's just lovely how long have you been playing to which he replied, never, first time...everyone laughed at him and said yeah right...so for his 14th birthday this past March, we got him a keyboard to help him write music. Apparently when he's stressed out at school, he goes to play the piano on his lunch hour sometimes and it really seems to help.

Now that you know what an incredible rock star my son is....and yes I really do think with all my heart he is meant to be a rock star and someday this blog will come back to bite me in the ass for telling you all his secrets....I need to tell you what I'm struggling with.

Kyle has terrible ADHD. He spent two years on Medications that nearly drove us all insane. He had so many side effects and hospital trips for heart problems on them that we just took him off them altogether. We saw a big drop in the hyperness, but the focus part remains a serious problem and the schools are absolutely NO HELP TO US AT ALL!

As any normal 14 year old, he is growing at an alarming speed and struggles with terrible growing pains...and he has an anxiety disorder that is causing terrible attacks throughout these teen years because of all the hormonal imbalances and problems that teens face.

For years he's struggled with the, no one likes me stuff, now he's so popular he can't even deny it, but he still feels like crap about himself? How do you deal with a boy with such low self esteem? (Yes he is seeing a therapist and she just coddles him..) On top of this, he is FAILING 6 CLASSES! Of course, his Orchestra, Select Chorus, Gym and Technology (they are making music with a special computer program on macs) all said he is exemplrary...but his core classes say he doesn't do any of his homework! Well I see his homework, I check his homework, so where does it go??? He loses everything, he can't remember to get to his lessons on time, he can't even remember to bring pencils to class! We are trying so hard to teach him how to organize himself because he is so smart. He tests way above the national average for all his test scores so they are still passing him to high school...which I totally don't understand and apparently a lot of this really just comes down to his own laziness!

I feel so completely helpless and I just don't know how to relax. In my mind, I know as an adult, he's going to be ok...but I see him limiting his choices and it scares me. I don't want him to limit his life, he's SOOO amazing!

Over the weekend, he went on his 8th grade field trip, nope, no punishment from the school for his grades once again...and him and his girlfriend (the most popular couple of the middle school) of over a year broke up as soon as they got there. The two of them have had a very sweet relationship, but we kinda all saw this coming. He found out she was cheating and had what I believe was a full out panic attack right there in front of everyone. I was told he was out of control, kicking things and yelling at her...something he has never ever done and everyone who has ever known him was totally shocked.

He ended up walking away and going to the benches where they were to meet for the day and layed down for about an hour and then called me. He was so heartbroken. I made him promise not to be alone for the rest of the day and it just happened a group of friends found him at that time and kept him busy the rest of the day. He kept in contact with me all day and was clearly still upset, but managed to get through it.

Then when I went to pick him up, this asshole teacher (scuse my language) came up to me with total attitude telling me about what happened and when I tried to tell him I knew about it and had already talked to him he just talked over me and said I needed to talk to my son about behavior in public...as if that was proper behavior in private!! I told him again that I had talked to him and we'd be talking some more and that I found it unacceptable and that Kyle agreed and was very upset himself about how he'd acted. Kyle had already told him this too, but this guy wasn't listening, he just kept talking.

Then he starts to tell me how Kyle hasn't turned in one single page of his reserach project this quarter! I have seen this kid working so hard on this project every single day. He could tell you everything you ever wanted to know on the subject. I have checked the criteria sheet, he is totally up to date and he sat there next to me saying he did turn them in but the teacher wouldn't count them cause he said they weren't good enough while the teacher was on my other side saying he hadn't seen a thing..what am I to do with that???

We made him do more of the notecards this weekend and went over the work again, but I don't know what else to do. I am so sick of this middle school crap. Why are all the teachers so rude? I have tried so hard to stay in contact and on top of things and they treat me like dirt for it! They just seem to want to give an assignment, reign over a few kids with their bullying tactics and then collect their checks as they run out the door when the bell rings...

Anyways, then we went home and when I tried to talk to him about what was going on, he started to freak out all over again saying how he's not good enough for anybody and no one believes in him and we all think he's a loser and on and on and on...I told him over and over again that he was only hear what he wants to hear and if he would only listen that he would hear me saying, I do BELIEVE in him. I believe he is meant for greatness. But if he is choosing a life that is less than that, I am ok with that too. I told him the other day that his grades show me tha the wants to be a ditch digger, not a college man so every time he comes home with no homework I was going to start training him for his new chosen profession..he took great offense to this. So I explained, there is NOTHING wrong with being a ditch digger or whatever else you want to be. You can move back to Oregon and be a logger or a fisherman or whatever you want to be...you can stay here and be on the NY Yankees or be a Rock star or be on Broadway or you can be a teacher..I don't really care I will support you and I will love you and I will believe in you to be the best you can be at whatever you choose.. but either way, you will not be LAZY. And just becase you are grounded, you are not getting a free ride to sit here and do nothing! The point of being grounded was to give him more time to study and less distractions..why don't kids get that????

Ok...so now's the question, am I out of my damn mind? What else can I do? What am I missing? I can only see as far as I can see and I really feel like I need some help here cause I love this kid to peices and it seems like he just doesn't even know it anymore!!!

sorry this was so long and if you're actually still reading this....holy crap are you a good friend!

I wish I had answers for you, but I think all I can offer you is support and an ear, and I got time, so type away.

It is so frustrating when you know what your child is capable of, and the opportunities that are there for them, and they are not working to their potential. I am a single mother also, I have five children, two are teenagers now, and three of my five have ADHD. Their personalities are so different, and each one has different areas of strengths, and I know that not one of them are kicking out the grades that I think they are capable of.

One of my sons(the thirteen year old), who has the most severe ADHD, seems depressed a bit. I blame that on years and years of me staying in a marriage that was awful. My ex-husband is bipolar, and he thought he was god. There is no one as good as him, no one smarter than him, and he feels it is his place to tell people that. Unfortunately, my son got some of it. I dont know how much your children saw of your marriage, and the abuse, but mine saw too much. And if I would have had any idea the damage staying with him was going to cause, I would of packed up and left so much sooner. My son is on meds, but it is just this year that I am able to get the help he needs at school, and with counseling. I could imagine that the "out of control" thoughts and feelings one with ADHD has, could contribute to why they feel the way they do. Is your son taking anything now? The side effects are terrible, I hate these meds, but I know that without them, my son would be lost. Its like trying to find the lesser of two evils

Has anything else changed at school? Different group of friends, bad influences? It could just be a teen being a teen. There is so much more for a teen to deal with these days than we ever had to worry about. The pressures they face now are enough to give me anxiety.

What has the counselor said?

I guess the only thing that consoles me, is that I know I have tried my best. I have taught my kids well, and my family is very supportive, as yours sounds to be also. You have set a good example for your son. I'm sure he will make good choices.

Its so hard, because I know you want to push and push to get him to give you an answer..... Just let him know your door is always open, and in the meantime, try not to stress yourself out over it.

That's what I am trying to do. I have a fourteen year old daughter just finishing her first year in high school. And I wish someone would've prepared me for what was in store

I hope for the best for him, he sounds like an amazing kid!

Thanks again for reading all the way through that long story, I know it was a lot to take in!

His grades may not make it to come up by the end of the year, but I do see him working hard at it every single day so that is a plus.

One significant change I have also seen is the way he plays baseball. For the last year he has had so much trouble getting along with his team mates. He had felt like an outcast, didn't get along with anyone and his game had gone to shit. Now I see him making awesome plays, hitting more consistantly and making much better contact almost every time at the plate, stealing every base he can and most importantly I see him having fun. I see him laughing and his team mates cheering for him. I see them joking and him laughing with them rather than getting hurt feelings and getting angry. I see him smiling because I can see his face!!! That to me, speakins volumes. I think we are on the road to doing better.