Panic Attacks Support Group

Nice forum, guys! I would like to throw in my experiences in hopes that finally confronting my demons may help someone else, along with actually making it "real" for me. This post will likely become longer than I wish as I progress, so I apologize up front.

Along with many of the issues that most of you have, I have the added burden of "guilt"(?) due to the fact that I have been a mental health professional for over 30 years and actually co-owned an alcohol/drug recovery center for several years. I should have "known" when things were spiraling out of control...but, it's different when it's you!

In college, I was a big-time party girl; if the bar was open, I was usually there. I married at age 23 and decided to start a family. Quit drinking, totally. Even at parties and get-togethers, I had no desire to take a drink. For 20 years, I never even thought about whether to drink or not, I just had no interest. Then, my first husband was diagnosed with cancer. I began to have panic attacks and depression. At first, I did the "right" thing. I went to the doctor, started an anti-depressant, and sought help through church groups and friends. After my husband died, I began to drink socially and that was fine for several years. My intake was minimal and I didn't seem to experience any noticeable side effects. I eventually remarried a "military man" and relocated to a new town, leaving behind my family and support systems.

That was 7 years ago. Within the first year of leaving behind my "prior life," I began to experience increased anxiety, more severe panic and debilitating depression. My doctor tried several different anti-depressants, none of them seemed to work as well as alcohol. The alcohol had a very comforting, numbing effect. I could sleep again! When the panic or depression would increase, so would the alcohol intake. That pattern, unfortunately, progressed. I relocated again about 4 years ago to an even more remote location that is very isolating for me. I'm thousands of miles away from friends and family, it's a very small, clannish, exclusive (and I don't mean that in a luxurious way!) community, not very welcoming to "outsiders" and I self-medicated my loneliness, depression and anxiety with - you guessed it - good old alcohol.

So, almost 3 years ago now, the physical symptoms began to rear their ugly heads. It started with chest pain and right side pain. After a visit to the ER, I was referred back to the military hospital to have my gall bladder removed. Amazingly, after recovering from the surgery, I felt much better. I attributed this to having that nasty, offensive gall bladder gone! I now realize that I also was abstinent from alcohol for about 6 weeks while I was recovering. I didn't experience withdrawal because I was on oxycodone for the post-surgical pain for a couple of days.

I stopped the oxycodone and began drinking again and within a few weeks was back in the ER again with chest pains. Tests were negative for anything heart-related, so returned home. After 4 more visits over the next 2 years, my doctor referred me to a Gastroenterologist. I was submitted to every test available, short of a liver biopsy. The only things out of "normal range" were Vitamin D and liver enzymes. I should mention that the liver enzyme tests had been up and down for the past two years. Of course, I always minimized my use of alcohol because I never wanted THAT to be the problem?

Well, this week, I finally admitted to my doctor and my husband, but more importantly, to myself, that alcohol is a real problem for me now. I am now experiencing the itchy, irritated skin and the anxiety is difficult to tolerate. I have been alcohol-free for only 3 days and know by training and experience that it will likely be at least 4 more days before the symptoms will begin to get better. I am also mourning my loss of a "good friend" - alcohol. My "friend" helped me numb my pain, physically and emotionally and I miss it, but I know that nothing good will happen if I continue down that path.

I am extremely thankful that I have a very supportive husband and we are going to begin therapy next week to appropriately deal with the anxiety and depression. Because of my "illnesses", my husband has also suffered greatly. He's had to sit by and watch me writhing in pain, feeling helpless to provide any relief. Because of my professional experience, I know how difficult this road to recovery will likely be, but the alternative for me, at this point, is unacceptable. I have too much life to live to accept a death sentence which is what continued alcohol use is for me. And, I know that the only likely solution for me is to not drink...period. I crossed that line and, it's been my experience, that after crossing that line, "controlled" drinking is not an option. One or two drinks would not do anything for me because it's not having a drink that gives me joy, rather the escape from the pain of depression, anxiety and isolation.

I wish all of you the best as you proceed in your own way, in your own time. I believe there is more than one way to confront this problem and I pray that each of you finds a way to good health and happiness.