Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Support

]I REALLY NEED TO "TALK" TO SOMEONE WHO HAS THE PURE FORM OF OCD [/b]- COMPULSIONS ARE DONE MENTALLY, mainly.

I think of how long I have had this ( since I was 8 -- I am now 43) and the different forms is has taken and , how it has waxed and waned but anymore it is a constant in my life. Everything I do or think or glance at is affected by my ocd. If it is not "correct" word, thought,facial movement then I am certain I will be bringing terrible harm to my parents and their lives (not that I will harm them but my not properly doing my ocd will. And this causes terrible anxiety and discomfort with me. It takes me forever to complete things -- whether at work or home. really, the simplest of things due to all the "spikes" I receive and trying to "fix" them.

Yes I have been in therapy and also tried erp therapy with a wonderful dr. who specializes in ocd. saw him for over a year but have quit going ( a year or so back) you know, there is just only so much a person/doctor can do. it is like , I KNOW my limits and some times it is better than others.

I also feel that I have "accepted" this , I do not like it one bit, but accepted it. There are times I can work better with it than others. major changes in my life this past year that are increasingly making this difficult.

I lead a fairly normal life outside of my "hidden" disorder. except for a few people nobody has ANY idea what goes on in my mind and body.... they probably just wonder why I am always so tired and why I do not do more with myself/life. Even the few who know, do not KNOW the extent. I so wish I could explain it, but it just is impossible if you do not have ocd. I feel very alone with this ---- it is such a huge part of myself and my low self esteem/confidence. I would just love to talk to someone who maby understands where I am coming from without thinking I am a total nutcase - because I am not -- I also take meds, have for years. so I have not "not" gone that route. I have not given up but I sure seem to be hanging by a very thin thread. THANK YOU for reading! I'm new to this.

I feel sorry for you, but I am sorry if this word is not a good thing for you- my friend is 45 male and has ocd, and it is very difficult.. My friend does not share all of it but some. I am very sad. I do not like to feel this way about it, but I am in pain(i do not have ocd, i suppose) because we do not talk anymore for a while.

I feel like I might have mild ocd too. And I think Anyone can be affected by ocd, just like anyone get cancer. I believe there is a way to get around it. As you have written, do not give up. Please talk. Sincerely, White

Namaste beach123,

I have pure o so totally get it. you can pm me anytime even if it is just to vent.

Nice to meet you!

Nick

thank you ---- i suppose you can imagine the comfort and surprise at knowing there are others out there. At this point, reading these forums seems to be the only relief I have from feeling so alone with this awful ocd.

I would also be glad to discuss anything regarding this as well. Have a good evening!

It can be difficult at times for sure! But I have found that when i acknowledge the thought as just a thought it tends to go away in time. the key is never allowing yourself time to ruminate. if you ruminate you get stuck in the loop and that can be very painful. if you force yourself to focus on something else like reading a book or watching a movie you can always come back to the thought and look at it from a dispassionate view, i.e. it is neither a benefit to you or a hinder. it simply is.

We pure o's have a tendency to kick our butts over a thought. it is quite annoying really. so i have learned that if i am to judge myself i should judge my actions and not my thoughts. an action takes a willful effort. a thought is just something that comes and goes unannounced.

Namaste!

Nick

Round and round and round ...i hate this. so many "magic" words necessary to replace all the BAD words --- the ones that will bring bad things to those i love --- for cripes sake , even to my cat!

and I know I need to not do this but I can't seem to control it.

my self confidence is shot ----- this is due to other circumstances in my life as well ---- but I use to be such a happy and confident (?) well I wasn't not confident. That person has been replaced by me.I need to get a new job after 20 years and at this point I do not even feel like I could do a proper job at burger king! I think of a job that I may enjoy and then just shoot it down because of what I think I couldn't do.

can't relax totally at night sleeping , whatever .

and I can't even cry . just get mad with myself and can't focus on anything.

Lol, Nick....I kick my butt over the "C." Still a pain either way. Just thought that was funny the way you said it. Kinda like ha, ha...funny...so true....

Beach, it has taken my confidence away too. It is one thing I am going to have to rebuild....when I am further into recovery.

(((HUGS))) Beach. Hope today is better.

Hugs to you both!

I think the hard part of having ocd is the complete ass kicking it does to our self-esteem and feelings of self worth. I have thought about that over the years and realized that for everything i have ever been through in my life, losing my parents, being abused by my adoptive parents, being placed in grouphomes, getting married, coming out as gay, getting divorced etc etc that i never broke. no matter how bad things were i never kneeled down. i never bowed my head. and then ocd comes along and i kneeled. and i felt broken. and the irony of it is that it was me. out of everything that every happened in my life i remained bloody but unbowed and yet the one person who could bring me to my knees was...me.

I think what is the second most frustrating is that I am gradually forgetting what my life was like before ocd. i have had for so long now that it feels almost natural to me. i no longer cry tears of anguish and loss anymore. when we have ocd we will have intrusive thoughts and images and sometimes urges. and while you know it is merely a thought the memory remains. and it can shred you. after dealing with harm ocd and pocd my self esteem was barely the size of a small pea. i was so broken and so very raw. i slept all the time because while i was sleeping i did not have to deal with the ocd or the memories of past episodes. but time does heal all wounds. in time

I slowly began the road of recovery. i slowly began to realize a thought is just a thought and not a hidden desire. it did not define me. yeah i still have memories of past episodes and past fears. but i do not place much stock to them. they are nothing. the thoughts are so beneath me! which is why i adopted the motto that if i were to judge myself than i must judge myself by my actions. a thought is nothing. it is like a shade. formless. graspless. it leaves just as quickly as it arrived. it can leave damage in its wake if you allow it. but an action is so much more than a thought. an action is a willful decision to do something be it right or wrong. a thought is just mind chatter. when i began to realize that i began rebuilding my self esteem. i still am uncomfortable around people from time to time but it is slowly going away. your self esteem will come back. it just takes time. but it will come back.

Namaste!

Nick

But the "C" is an action. So, is it really worse that just the "O?"

I feel like my brain has a broken spot (true for O, or O and C.) I can't control that it is or isn't broken. But rather what I can control is managing it.

But I do get the importance of diminishing its power in ones life (putting perspective on it of sorts.) I think your thoughts, Nick are your paradigm shift. Which is something we all have to do, to turn the corner on this. The paradigm shift is the path, one takes to leave the cycle.

I just know I beat myself up for both but mostly the "C" as I can see its visible effect, not just the secret effect it all has on me. Just didn't want anyone to feel as if having the "C" was worse...especially when we do beat ourselves up for it.

You have to be kind to yourself and forgiving...because if you don't....it is part of why this all keep taking hold. It is part of the cycle as beating oneself up....creates stress.....stress starts the cycle. Ugh.