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12/28/2011 07:43 PM

New Here

ocdgonzales
 
Posts: 4
New Member

Hey everyone! I am new here. I posted My OCD Story before but there were some problems with the site the day that I posted my story and my post seems to have disappeared from the forum. So I decided to post it again here if anyone is interested in reading it. I hope to make new friends here. Smile

My original post:

hi everyone. i am new here. i have recently started going to therapy and have been taking medication. i take paroxetine (paxil). from what i can remember i started showing ocd symptoms at the age of 12. i was in middle school at the time. during that time i was having some problems at home that maybe trigged the ocd symptoms to start showing up. i don't remember that much from that time but what i can remember is that i would have to do some rituals so that everything would be alright. in my mind i kept thinking that if i did not this then things wouldn't be alright. i stopped doing those rituals eventually and the ocd left me alone for a few years but i don't think it went away completely but i can't remember that well right now. anyway, the ocd came back more severely during my junior year in high school. i started to have to do rituals again as well as have to do a repeating (me having to repeat something) ritual as i put things down after i had picked them up. there were other things that i had to do like make sure that things were in order and i remember that i had to write things perfectly because if i didn't i was afraid that something bad could happen. i suffered from that for a very long time and fortunately that went away a few months in my senior year in high school although the ocd didn't go away completely. i started college and things were going well then once again the ocd came back and i had to do my repeating rituals again (me having to repeat things) to make sure things would be alright. it was getting bad again but then things got better but the ocd never went completely away. in august of this year my ocd came back more severely. it all started with me having these evil intrusive thoughts about wanting bad things to happen to other people or me being glad when bad things did happen to other people (like someone getting sick for example). usually i would just get this thought in my mind that would tell me that i am glad that that person got sick and it would be followed by this impulse for me to laugh and i would do everything i could not to laugh. i would also get very nervous when that would happen. these evil thoughts just got worse as time went on and they caused me to feel very bad and i started thinking that maybe i was becoming evil or was possessed. they scared me and caused me to get depressed and not feel like doing anything. i also felt the need to punish myself for having these thoughts but not doing things that i enjoy to do like using the computer or watching a favorite show of mine, etc. these evil thoughts were about the people that i love and care about as well as my classmates at college. i was afraid that God could punish me for having these thoughts or thought that because i had these thoughts something bad could happen to the people that i love and care about. i started to isolate myself and just hated being around other people because by seeing other people or by hearing others talk would just trigger these evil thoughts so i felt like i just needed to be alone. of course i couldn't completely isolate myself since i had still go to class so i still did go to class but it was hard trying to control these thoughts since they would be intrusive and just come to me without me wanting them to come. as well as those evil thoughts i started having the violent thoughts of me wanting to hurt others like tripping someone when they walked past by me. once i even actually moved my foot a little as i had the thought but thankfully nothing happened. i have no idea what happened that time. i think that maybe i was just thinking about it too much and i moved it a little or maybe it was something involuntary because i know that i never would hurt anyone. i also have a fear of hurting others. i could not live with myself i i ever did hurt anyone. the thoughts just kept getting worse i would just want to cry and cry and i just wanted these thoughts to go away and leave me alone. it going to the point when sometimes i would pull my hair and one time i even hit my head several times asking the thoughts to just stop coming to me. whenever i had these evil thoughts i would always have to repeat that i am nice person i am a nice person or have to repeat that the person i had the evil thought would be alright would be alright and then at the end i would have to say my name. but doing the compulsion would just make more evil thoughts come. there were times when i would go into a crisis because the evil thoughts just came one after another and i wouldn't know what to do. i also have blasphemous thoughts about saying the f word and then God's name or the Virgin Mary's name. i also have had sexual thoughts and also having the impulse to move in a sexual way. i get really nervous whenever i have these sexual thoughts and even if i just stand still my mind tells me that i am moving in a sexual way and i feel that i do but i know that i am not doing anything because i would never do that. anyway ever since i have started going to therapy and taking medication i have felt a lot better and don't have the evil thoughts as well as the violent, blasphemous, and sexual thoughts as much as i used to but i still do have them and i really hate it. i i wish they would go away so that i could be normal but now i know that its not me but my ocd so i just ignore them and try to not let them ruin my day. i also try not to punish myself anymore although there are still some times when i still feel the need to but i try not to. what i also hate is how my evil thoughts get trigged when someone makes me angry. i wish i wouldn't have these evil thoughts when that happens but i know that it is not me but my ocd that makes me have those thoughts so i just ignore them but they do make me feel bad. sorry for my post being too long but i just felt like i needed to share my story with others that can understand what i am going through. i hope to make new friends here. i hope that someone responds to my post.

Post edited by: ocdgonzales, at: 12/28/2011 07:43 PM

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12/29/2011 08:01 AM
mem7478

Hi Ocdgonzales, Thanks for sharing your story thoroughly. It sure helps to get it all out and know you are not alone. I can relate to alot of it-the rituals,repeating,instusive thoughts. My thoughts,"What if i flipped out and started just screaming for no reason in a public place, or about hurting someone, someone getting hurt or dieing, someone abusing animals, something would pop in my head and i had to get the answer asap(i felt stupid for not knowing something, if i said something stupid i would punish mmyself." As you mentioned about punishing your self. I have suffered since being a small child-organizing, praying to god everynight with my hands moving in a certain way after praying or it would not be ok." As you said, your getting worse with problems at home.Mine got worse after some tramatic events as a teen. It was dibilitataing. I think it is worse with our anxiety level. If I have something going on in my life cause in me more anxiety-the more ocd sysmtom. even now with meds. Even thought the paxil has helped me so much. today i actually feel somewhat normal. I feel for you. I am glad you are getting help and that the paxil is helping you and your thoughts are better. this is such a painful disorder. I so glad there is help and a support group like this so we can help each other through it. I am glad you are reaching out here, you will get alot of support. If you want to pm me-feel free to.

12/29/2011 08:46 AM
rainwater
rainwater  
Posts: 124
Member

Hi Ocdgonzales

Hope you will find more friends here! =)

with metta

rainwater


12/31/2011 04:53 PM
mitzigirl
mitzigirl  
Posts: 14115
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Hello OCDGongonzales my name is Viv and it is nice to meet you hun. I am so sorry for all you have had to endure and still having to go through. I know how hard it can be. Hopefuly the medicine will be alot of help to you. I know meds did not cure me but they certainly have helped.

I am pure O and suffer with the obcessive part more not rituals but no matter either way is very difficult to live day to day with and can completely disable you. I too have a lot worse time when my anxiety is high. I hope you have a good New Year's Eve filled with Peace and Many Blessings!


02/06/2012 08:14 PM
Nicolet
Nicolet  
Posts: 80
Senior Member
I'm an Advocate

.. Hi!!!..i'm very happy you shared your story, quite interesting! Smile

Quoting you : " when that happens but i know that it is not me but my ocd that makes me have those thoughts so i just ignore them " .. this part you just said.. you won half the battle!! once you're able to recognize ocd you have full control of the compulsion part. DOn't do it! .. you said you ignore the thoughts, that's good to, but don't try to avoid them, let them be there, it's alright, they're not you, so, view them as "Guest Thoughts".. and they are welcomed to leave when ever they please..

when the thoughts stop bordering you .. the anxiety goes away.. and when you take fear and anxiety out, your brain realizes .. those thoughts no longer matter to you, so your own brain will create different connections, far away from those in particular.

you're doing very good Smile .. try this out, and see how it works..

best of luck

Nicole.

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