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04/07/2009 07:46 AM

"Obsessive" relationship?

NeedAChange
Posts: 10
New Member

I'm glad to have found MDjunction, as I was supposed to have my first appt with a therapist today, but ended up canceling because - being out of a job - I just can't take on any more debt, and yet I'm DETERMINED to get some help with my problems. I don't know if I can say I have an OCD issue over a relationship, per se, but rather just "obsessive" - and this has NEVER happened to me before. The last relationship I was in I was basically take him or leave him. With this bf, I'm near to looking desperate (I'm embarassed to admit) and get to wondering (overanalyzing) every little thing he says or does. I get annoyed (too frequently) about some things, and when I do - even though it could potentially ruin the relationship (as it almost has in the 4 months I've been dating the current BF, because at least once a week something he says (doesn't say) or does (doesn't do) gets to me. I almost lost him only a week ago over a dumb move (thought he had gone to a "singles" event when we were fighting - even though he had called me 4 times that day when I wasn't returning his phone calls because (no surprise, I was annoyed about something else) so I posted a personal ad on Match - and within only about 7 hours of it being posted, HE FOUND IT and he had every intention of calling it quits, and I can't say I blame him.) Only my crying like a fool (something I've never done with another guy) got him to keep the relationship going - BUT only one week later (this past Saturday) I got irked about something else. I'm letting insecurity and jealousy ruin this new relationship (and it is driving my family crazy because when one of my "dramas" happen, I talk to them AD NAUSEUM.) Just yesterday I sent THIRTY TWO text messages to my poor sister in law (best friend) who is on vacation! I've always had a self-esteem issue - even though people tell me I'm pretty and have a nice figure - something in me is always afraid and insecure - more so now with this new boyfriend, who - unlike the two boyfriends before him - I absolutely love to no end, even though - unlike the two boyfriends before him - had (until last night when we had what I thought might be our "breakup" argument) - did not make me feel secure in the relationship. He would NEVER give me a compliment, rarely show he appreciated anything I did, is nowhere near as loving and sweet and affectionate as I am. In NO PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP have I *ever* had to work this hard or given this much OR CRIED! I NEVER cried with my last bf. I think part of what is doing it IS that he never gives anything away and so I'm left to ALWAYS wonder - I'd wonder if he REALLY did love me or he just loves the girl who clealy loves him and does so much for him and gives him a LOT of sex, rather than just loving the girl herself. It didn't help that he has had MANY girlfriends - including an ex-fiance and ex-wife - all in the last 8 years! He also got a girl pregnant when he was 18 (and I think she was only 15!). He has had a HUGE dating life - and even though it is in his past (and he has yelled at me a few times for continuing to "throw his past in his face"Wink I just can't stop thinking about it. I mean, wouldn't you wonder about a guy who had dated THAT MANY women??? Wouldn't you wonder WHY he had not managed to stay with anyone on a permanent basis? I think he, too, has problems - but I think (or have thought, at least) that the "right girl" - one who would show him a lot of love, remove some of the damage the other exes brought on, would help some of his problems, but some times I wonder. I mean, how can you go 4 1/2 months and still keep a person who shows you they love you 24/7 at arm's length? Or who treats you like gold and then give only the minimal back? As I said earlier in this post, last night was a bit of break through with him. He told me that he loved me "so much" and that I was beautiful to him with or without makeup, even when I woke up in the morning. He said he notices and appreciates everything I do and was sorry that he hadn't told me this stuff more often but (and this is what I don't understand AT ALL) that he was taking the relationship "slowly" and "getting to know me." Umm, ok, I can understand taking it slowly (though once we had sex I jumped in head first and most likely gave away a LOT of my power by being TOO honest and communicative and loving) but I don't understand where "taking it slowly" means you can't compliment a person or show appreciation for something they've done. How do the 2 things equate? He told me he likens himself to a "turtle" - he comes out of his shell slowly, and problems can cause him to go back in his shell. Anyway, I'm happy to give more details if any of you would like. I truly appreciate your reading my first and LENGTHY (LOL) post.
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