Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Support

I have noticed of late that some members are disappointed in the group for one reason or another. the major reason being that responses to post are not happening fast enough. I do not do this very often but I would like to vent for a moment.

I am a volunteer. I do not get paid to be a gl here. I give alot of my time and have for over three years now. I have been at the beginning of ocd where everything felt like i was losing my mind. I have been there. I understand. I joined this group in November of 2009 and I learned to deal with the ocd. But it was not just this group that helped. it was also me. it was my determination to learn, to grow and to beat this down. and in time i shared information on what i had learned because i remembered what it was like to just be starting out with ocd and not knowing a thing about it. I wanted people to read what I had learned so they could learn. so they would not feel alone. so they would not freak out like i did. When I was diagnosed three years ago i could not hold down a job for long. i panicked all the time. i freaked out even more. i was hospitalized three times in the same year. i attempted suicide more than once. I felt broken and i felt scared. and above all i felt alone. like i was the only person in the world dealing with this. and it frightened me. more than once i really thought i was losing my mind. and then the day came when my therapist told me there was no cure for ocd. i cried my heart out in agony. and then one day i decided fuck it. no matter what anyone says i will beat this i will overcome this. i will win! I decided that only those who have experienced ocd could really understand it and so i joined every support group online i could find. i picked peoples brains trying to understand. and when i was done i read books. i gained knowledge. i learned. i understood. and then i began my recovery and it was the toughest thing i have ever had to do in my life. ever. and i grew up in group homes and went into the marine corps when i was 18. this was tougher. why? because i was facing me. i was dealing with me. and for the first time in my life i had to do it by my own force of will. my mission was recovery. failure was not an option. I learned from this and many other support groups. i learned from books. i leaned on friends for support during the times i did not feel like i had the strength to carry on. but i did it. and i learned that there is so much strength in a person. more than any of us have ever given ourselves credit for. And during my recovery I became a gl here. and i shared everything i knew that i felt would help. and this is my frustration: because an answer is not posted fast enough or the answer is not what someone is looking for all of a sudden posts are showing up saying this group is disappointing.

This is a great group full of wonderful people. sometimes we can't respond because we either do not know the answer or because we are dealing with our own episodes. I have alot of info posted in the archives just begging to be read. they are there to help. they are there for when i am not. or when another gl is not. We all have ocd in this group but our recovery is unique to ourselves. recovery is your mission. and if you don't receive a response you are looking for or if it takes awhile to receive a response don't get mad. take it upon yourself to get books, to get tapes or cd's. get information that you need. keep learning. don't place your recovery on hold and wait for a few days for a response. keep digging. keep searching. keep asking. go to ocd.org or other ocd related websites. look in the archives of this group. go to the bookstore or the library or amazon.com or barnes and noble.com or the apple ibook store and get some books on dealing with ocd. This is your recovery. this is it. this is your path. I can give information and i can share all i know with you. but sometimes i will not be online because i am either working or i am having an episode as well. if you do not take the time to read the archive please don't complain when it takes a day or two for me to respond with the answer that could have been found in the archive. learn, grow and take responsibility for your recovery. use tools like books and audio tapes. this is your ocd. this is your baby. i can only give advice i cannot walk the road for you.

Namaste!

Nick

Post edited by: silvermage, at: 06/14/2012 10:12 PM

I understand what u have said about getting mad at the group. I wrote those things that I did, because I'm frustrated. I'm not mad at the group- I'm mad at myself. because I can't seem to get this bullshit out of my crazy head. I am tortured by my fearful thoughts and I guess I figured someone would say something to magically "make it all better". I've read books, I've seen therapists, I've browsed the archives, I've tried certain exercises, I've joined endless support groups, I've read and read until my eyeballs pop out, and it doesn't seem to matter. I've tried meds, blah blah fucking blah. I still have this stupid ridiculous thought process that's driving me nuts. if I don't do every single thing I do just right and perfect, then bad will happen to me or my family, or my husband will get mad for no reason & we'll get into an argument, or my car will break down, or I'll fail at something important to me, the list is endless. it's this way with every move I make. my shower, my house cleaning, my radio in the car, my blankets, it too goes on and on. I try to believe that it's bull, but then as sure as I don't go through my routines, something happens. nothing helps and I'm at the end of my nerves. how much more of this can I really take?!

So, I am sorry for attacking the group; I'm sorry for writing a bitchy post. I just don't know what to do.

Eva.

Eva,

You have read the archives and books, joined endless support groups, seen therapists and taken meds. but you still have not done the most important thing yet. you have not accepted the ocd. you are looking for something "magical" that will make it go away, that will make you feel like you did before the ocd. that's not going to happen. you are fighting the ocd and you are fighting yourself. that is why you are frustrated. maybe deep down you think that if you do this or that the ocd will disappear. that your intrusive thoughts will go away. I apologize for being blunt but you are looking under the wrong rock!

You can learn to live with the ocd. you can learn to not be bothered by the intrusive thoughts. you can learn the difference between an ocd thought and a normal every day thought. all these you can do. but the first step is acceptance. YOU have ocd. there is nothing you could have done to prevent it. you could not have been smarter, stronger, happier, more outgoing etc. it happened. it is neither good nor bad. it just is. you could no more have prevented getting ocd than anyone can prevent cancer, asthma, bipolar disorder, or any number of illnesses. it happens.

You will have intrusive thoughts. it is the nature of ocd. there is nothing you can do to change that. but everyone on this planet has intrusive thoughts everyday. most aren't bothered by them. we are. we latch on to them and think something is wrong. this is magical thinking and this can be worked on.

Ok now that is out of the way lets look at the picture. you are tortured by your fearful thoughts and so you perform compulsions. you in a sense are running from the thoughts. you are afraid. it is natural to run from what scares us. but you are acting like the mighty oak tree that stands tall in a storm. the wind comes and the rains fall and the tree remains firm. the wind gets stronger and the mighty oak tree collapses. did it need to? no. but it was stubborn. beneath the mighty oak tree is a blade of grass. it knows the wind is coming. it knows a storm will soon arrive. it accepts the storm and bends in the wind. it becomes flexible. and when the winds die down and the storm moves on the blade of grass once again stands tall in the sun.

You are running from the anxiety. there is only one way to beat ocd. it is rough. it will suck at times and it requires a great deal of patience. instead of running from the anxiety you need to learn to live with the anxiety. instead of running from the fears you need to learn to face them. You have read the books. you have seen the therapists. you have the tools. healing will take time. and it will be slow going for a while. there are a couple of books that i think will be of great benefit to you and will help you: freedom from obsessive compulsive disorder by jonathan grayson and Comfortable with Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion by Pema Chodron.

I also think maybe seeing a therapist again will be helpful. as will medication. ssri's do tend to help take the edge off the ocd. it can take up to 3 months for them to full work but it can be beneficial. a therapist trained in ocd will help you in your recovery faster than most self help books.

I know you are frustrated and at your wits end. but in time this does get better. take it a day at a time. start small and heal small. in time you will need to learn to limit your compulsions. for instance you can say today i will only give into my compulsions x amount of times and work down from there. or you can say today i will wait 2 minutes before i give into a compulsion. nothing bad will happen if i wait. when first starting out maybe you should agree to wait only 30 seconds before performing a compulsion. then work up each week. this will get you used to living with anxiety. in time the intrusive thoughts will affect you less and less. start small. heal small. You can do this. it will just take time. please don't be mad at yourself. believe me if we could flip a switch to turn the ocd off we would. you did nothing good or bad to get ocd. it was not your choice. there is nothing to be mad at. focus on your recovery. meditation helps curb anxiety as does relaxation music and teas. please consider seeing a therapist again he or she could be a great help to you. just please remember that healing will not happen overnight. This group is always here for you

Just for today: OCD

Just for today I will accept that I have OCD, with the realisation that the more I wish that i do not have the problem, the worse I make it.

As of today, I will understand that my OCD can be beaten, if I learn to 'practise opposites'.

Just for today I will make a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today I will pass on to other members what I have learned about dealing with anxiety.

Just for today I will share my OCD experience with other members.

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my OCD all at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my luck as it comes, and fit myself to it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don't want to do just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won't find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.

Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life and OCD.

Just for today I will be unafraid of my OCD. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

Namaste!

Nick

Nick..I couldn't have said it better ...

And Eva... you'll be just fine , you've taken the 1st step towards recovery already!.. that is Accepting you have a problem and asking for help, I too apologize if your post was not answer as quickly as you expected, but know this: all of us here are or were going through the same thing you are...meaning You're not alone!! I don't know if this gives any relief to you, but I remember that back when my OCD started, and just like Nick said, It felt I was loosing my self..just then I found out there were a lot of people out there feeling the same way..and knowing that a lot of them were actually getting better...made me feel alive again.

I hope you make good friends here, I sure have, and fear not...that your posts, doubts and diary entries will be read and answer..I can assure that

Good Luck!