Obesity Support Group

My mother was beautiful and then there's me.

Oct 29 2010

My mother used to make me run a mile each night before a lean cuisine dinner. In fact it was the only way I was allowed to eat dinner. This sounds horrific but in her defense it was theonly way she could think of to insure that I didn't get fat...she didn't want me to go through being shunned and having possibilities cut off from me by developing a weight problem.

Now I am completely obese and am trying my best to cover up the hurt inside when I catch people joking or making fun of me because of my weight. Every once in a while my pain bleeds through the smile I have plastered on my face so that no one will know that they have crushed me on the inside.

Today is one of those days. My threshold of pain from casual insults to downright cruelty, has burst and I can't hold back the tears that are rolling down my cheeks.

I've been on the weight roller coaster all my life. Some years I'm thin but the majority of this life has been spent heavy and never feeling good enough.

I've reached 270 pounds and feel utterly disgusting. I love to be clean and I mean love to be clean, but lately I just cant face myself in the shower so there are times I go days without rather than take my clothes off and see what I have done to myself. I've also been told to my face twice in the last 3 months that I am disgusting.

I have no family support, my mother died when I was fifteen and my father has never even tried to be a father even though we live in the same city. The rest of my extended family stays distant, to say the least, and really has no interest in me, not even when I was thin.

It really doesn't seem to matter to anyone that I am beautiful on the inside, am gentle and loving towards all people and animals. People mistake my kindness as some sort of attempt at getting something from them or trying to force being praised somehow.

Lately I've developed insomnia, cant sleep at night till 9:30-11 am in the morning and feel totally zapped of anykind of energy or reason to even try. I've spent a long time isolating myself from anyone that I dont have to deal with if I can. I hide as much as possible and drink alcohol to mask the pain of constant rejection.

I really dont even like alcohol but find that in order to smile and bear the burden of my life this far I need something that makes me feel a little uninhibited, as I spend most of my life totally surpressed. Alcohol makes the urge to weep go away and again I can be strong enough to not let anyone hurt me. Not that it matters but at least I am a happy drunk.

Even when I'm not drinking, I am always trying to be thankful and find the humor in this never ending ordeal.

As far as my appearance....I dont even try anymore. Hair always in a pigtail, stretchy pants and a t-shirt that I have to stretch out so that it doesn't hug my rolls of fat.

I'm pretty depressed, totally alone and without a support system. My first born infant son died in January and he was all I wanted in this life. He represented the chance for me to finally have unconditional love. Now its back to this world which seems to have a neverending amount of disdain for me.

I'm only 35 and haven't had a boyfriend in over 8 years. I'm so lonely. I'm so afraid. I'm so tired of people hurting me and me hurting myself. I feel like I'm about 5 years old and I've lost my parent in the mall. Totally lost with no guidance and no love and panicked about what the future will give me next. I walk around with that sickening feeling of abandonment in my gut everyday and cover it up with a beer and a smile.

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My Posts

* I still look like trash due to my depression

* The song by Paramore...."You are the only exception" for my dead mother and son.

* My mother was beautiful and then there's me.

My Groups

* Bereavement

* Rape

* Obesity

Sometimes I think we stop trying when we become so frustrated and disgusted with ourselves. I know I feel that way alot. I can't believe how much time I spend deciding on what to where in the morning that I feel ok in and not hideous. I hate shopping now which I used to love but everything I try on looks crappy or when I get home it looks bad and I return it. I leave the tags on now, cause I know it's probrably going back. Parties and functions are even harder. I never in my life thought I'd get to 200 lbs and now I'm over that. I gained so much due to stress eating from having my kids and when mom died. I turned to food whenever things are upsetting for me.

I'm sorry for all you are experiencing and going through. It's so not easy. I eat so unhealthy it's not funny, grabbing fast things, not drinking water or eating fruits and vegatables. But I have to make a change, I have some intestinal things going on, high cholesterol and my feet hurt to walk a long time. I'm gonna go to a nutritionist, hopefully to get some help in this cycle of destruction. I hope you too will find the strength and support you need. Hugs to you, Rachele

Post edited by: Peace4Rach, at: 11/01/2010 07:16 AM

Thanks for your comment. I know the feeling. I have only two pairs of pants that fit me and four shirts...I feel sooooooooooooooooooo stylish. Hee, Hee, Hee! I quit trying to be stylish when they no longer make clothing for me that doesn't resemble a tent. And why is it that the clothing manufactures think that the fatter you become the longer your legs are? The pants that fit around the waist (or I should say, where the waist is supposed to be) have the longest pant legs in the world. I do not grow a foot everytime I gain 15 pounds so this phenomenon is truly amazing to me. Hope this made you laugh and hope you have a great day.

I thought my wife was the only person that had that problem !!!

Hey there Welcome to the group!

I'm sorry to hear about all your troubles but you've made the first step in moving your life in a positive direction. Obviously we have to start we putting ourselves as the priority...being the victim or the victor!

I've been in your shoes and certainly still struggle but what I learned is that YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOU and when you can love and care for yourself confidence grows and another world opens up that you can only imagine.

Again it starts with one step...the thoughts that we make and the foods that we eat create who we are. Please make yourself a priority and begin eatting the foods that are good for you because right now the foods that you are eating are making you obese and are making you feel the way that you do...

The brain is directly tied to the digestive track...garbage in garbage out through the mind! I know that from experience.

If we can help in any way...please feel free to contact any of us!

Have a great day!

Faith