I have had NDPH for almost 10 years now, (Well, it will bhe 10 year on 10/28, began 10/28/1997, at age 17) Anyway, I have a question/quandry and need some help.

Lately, I have had a lot of vision problems and sppech stuff and it is a little harder to drive sometimes. I hate having to ask people for help or be dependent on them as i have always been pretty stubborn and hate to ask for help. Anyway, I have had to do it a little more lately- and all my friends have been pretty great- I am in grad school for education. It just makes me feel like a burden and I hate that. I do everything I can to compensate- (gas money, pay for lunch, etc.

I just hate to have to do it. On the other hand, I know that I shouldn't drive this much. I am supposed to meet someone from class tomorrow off campus to rehearse a scene. I hated to do it, but I had to ask my rommate for a ride there- and I know it is not the best time for her. She is perfectly willing to do it, but I could just see the "I hate to do this look". I know that this one will get better, biut I hate it.

I have always been blessed with great friends- pwople who will help no matter what and they do, but it is hard to ask for that help. Especially when it is for something that I could normally do- if the pain and vision stuff were not so bad. I am also slurring words and the meds I am taking for this one don't work well with driving.

How do you deal with this? I think this is the worst patch I have had in asking for help in a while.

I'd appreciate any help/advice.

Pain free days,

sailingm

I am only 2.5+ years into this but this is what I've learned -- and please know that I've been fairly described as a stoic noncommunicator on the topic of pain and help who verges into snapping at people when the pain is bad -- so I've really worked at this:

*Be straightforward. "I'm having [this] and it would be very helpful and much more safe for everyone involved if you could drive." This seems to empower the person helping while at the same time empowers the person asking.

*Do what you can otherwise. It sounds like you do. Then, it's really not a "favor" but people in your life realize that you manage a lot on your own and so only ask when it's really necessary. I have tried to be better about communicating good days and what I accomplish (more subtly than that) so people in my life realize that when I push the "help" button it's surrounded by the credibility of accomplishment. Sorry, that mixed metaphor could put one in bed for a week.

*Be appreciative. Again, it sounds like you are doing this. But the two things I've noticed are that I abide by the "platinum" rule: do unto others as they would do unto themselves. So chocolate for the chocolate lover, coffee for the coffee person, a note for everybody if only an email and nothing else. This carries the day. And to the "be straighforward" point, I don't apologize or explain, I try to just say "Thank you for doing specific thing on this day when I really needed specific thing, it made all the difference in the world to me."

*As a bad asker-for-help, I have said to those most in my corner, "I am bad at asking for help and when the pain is at its worst, I am the least likely to communicate." While I am pledged to do better at introducing my condition on any given day, I've also invited them to call me out (in private or small circles). This has been, upon reflection, remarkably freeing and helpful to me. In short, we can talk about it. As a result, I think my friends and colleagues offer more freely their help.

*Lastly, help others. I have found that my own pain breeds compassion. I'm more generous with my own time and energy -- freely generous -- and I feel better for it. Whether a direct "help" back to a friend or colleague or a more general "help" to the community, there is good energy that comes from this that when one can afford the investment is repaid many-fold.

Godspeed, xntj

One of the hardest things to do in all of life is to notice something in another person's reaction and instead of internalizing it, mulling it over, perhaps writing about it, is to just say "I've noticed this and it makes me feel .. . ." How ever you approach it, open the door to the truth.

I never fail to forget this lesson and I never fail to be amazed by it. The look that you may think is about your request could be about "my car is filthy." Put the cards on the table with compassion and diplomacy.

xo

Post edited by: xntj, at: 10/11/2007 19:16