Multiple Personalities Support Group

Hello again. It's us. The Brass menagerie.

I left this group because I thought I had integrated. This appears to have been a false finish. I'm at the point now where my default state is integrated, but parts of me still separate from time to time.

I am finding that integration is causing more trouble and confusion than separation ever did. The worst part of all is the loneliness. Even during times of division, things aren't the same as they were. The splits have become so shallow that it's almost like talking to a puppet.

I could really use some encouragement.

Oren,

I think one of the problems is that you come on and off of this site but you never really talk about the reasons that brought you here. You rarely ask for advice or share any of your story. I am not sure how to help you when I'm not even really sure what the problem is.

I am not now nor probably ever will be integrated but I have had "mergers" where some of the personalities combine for a time or forever, but this is not integration, could this be what keeps happenning to you? Maybe your people are looking for a fit? I am not sure. It is impossible to achieve true integration until you develope the strength and skills to live without splitting. You have to recognize and understand why you needed help in the first place, what memories or trauma do the pieces hold, why weren't you strong enough to deal with it? These are some questions you must answer.

Since you have shared very little I am not sure how old you were at the time you first split, do you know? When were you first diagnosed? What is it you feel you need help with? How can we help you?

Sunny

You have to understand yourself. YOu have to be comfortablee with all the parts as seperate and as all bewing a part of you. They are very real.They are seperate,but at the same time,they are you. Have you any clue as to teh original trauma that caused them in the first place? You have to work through that as well as any traumas that have happened since. You have to come to terms with each of their stories and understand that their truths are your truth. They can give clues to what need to be done, but you have to show them that you are trustworthy and can handle all this. you have to show them the safety that you can provide. You need to talk to each of them and figure out what it is that they need on an individual level and then make every decission with them all in consideration. LEt them be a part of your world and you be a part of their world.

Brenda

Everything you're talking about is past. I'm not trying to get rid of us. I love each other and am sad that we're going away.

First of all no one is trying to get rid of anyone, the personalities are a part of us and always will be. Even in integration they don't leave, they become all together. I am afraid of integration too, I am still afraid to be alone, maybe I always will be. You still have to uncover your traumas, understand why the personalities needed to protect you and what from, get to know them, understand their issues, let them have time and develope communication. I have no intention of pursuing integration as a goal for myself, however I still know I need to work on my issues and let everyone else work on theirs, even if we don't want to be one person we have to be a unit that makes decisions for the benefit of this entire system. So do you, and you have to try to understand the decisions made by others. I don't know if any of this will help you, you don't seem to want to answer any questions so I'm not sure what we could do to help you.

Sunny

IT was not until I stopped pushing for integration that things started working toward that. I had to come to the conclusion that all I really wanted was for everyone to be on the same page. Then I had to prove that was my goal to them. As long as you are pushing for integration, they are going to feel as if you are trying to get rid of them. Help them to understand what their issues are and to see that this is a different time and place, that you are capable of protecting them as they have done for you for so long, that you are capable of taking care of you. You have to show them these things, not try to force it on them.FOrcing it on them does nothing but put them back in the same situation they were in during the trauma. THere is no quick easy fix solution to the problem.

I also found that after I was one, that I needed those that helped me get there more than ever. THere is a huge sense of loneliness. I described the sense as best as I could in my post tittled a story that needs to be told.THe sense of loss, loneliness, anxiety, fear are all there. You have to be able to be strong enough to handle all that and still function in the real world. THat could be the biggest reason for the re-splits, that you are afraid to face these things on your own two feet. It is a new, exciting, fearful journey. You have reached the mountian top, enjoy it and realize all that you have overcome to get there. That since of pride will give you the courage to overcome the fear and anxiety. Know that GOD is therte to help you along the way. If you should stumble, HE will catch you and help you back up. HE will help dust you off and get you back on the right track. HE will be besides you as HE always has.

Brenda

Butterfly, you misunderstand. I don't want to integrate. I'm not ready. Most of the others are, but not me, and not Fnaire. It's just happening too fast. The divisions are so shallow now that much of the time, even when we are split, we don't seem real to each other.

Perhaps the most awkward point is that as "big" Oren, I inherit traits and relationships from all my parts. I am left wondering what in the world to do about being married to Fnaire's husband.

That is something you and her husband need to discuss and determine where the relationship needs to go.

Are you wanting to integrate at some point in the future?

Brenda

With Fnaire's husband? Can't. He's my friend's alter.

The plan was for Fnaire to try to parallel him and integrate as he did.

You're right, Sundrop. I don't say much. I guess I've just never been able to connect with anyone here. It's not that I haven't tried. It's just very difficult to do when you can't speak in real time.

Fnaire: The rest of us haven't because we're used to staying in the background, I think. We let Oren do the talking.

As for the bouncing back and forth, I'm told that this is normal. Each time, the divisions become shallower.

When I first started coming here, it was mainly for the sake of my friend(s). I wanted to know as much as I could about multiplicity because at the time, she didn't know how to deal with it and was a royal mess. I myself was simply one person with many facets at the time. It wasn't until later that a huge blow-up at work caused these facets to peel off.

I suppose the reason I never actually said what I want is because I don't know. It's only now that I know that what I want is to slow down the integration process (Something not all of us want) and take it much more slowly and carefully.