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04/11/2012 05:33 AM

I can't admit it happened. My body is useless

preggoand14
Posts: 48
Member

What happened to me was out of my hands. I had thought for 6 weeks I'd have a baby girl at the end. Instead I got bad news after bad news and it seems my life has gone where I had no say in anything I had no say in getting pregnant how it ended. And after that I knew I'd not be able to live without my daughter. I knew that from the first time I saw. I think a part of me tried to get pregnant again so I could replace it even though I'm a wreck a mess nothing good. That's why nothing good could ever live inside me 9 months. I didn't have a natural loss I wish I did so much I had to go through a really terrible procedure. I was too far along. She was already gone and I never say it but I feel like my body killed her. My mom said I should forget about it that it's a blessing when I get through it all, but it was the death of my first child. I can't forget that no matter how much I try to label and disguise that it wasn't me. I just didn't want it anymore. The words can't even come out smoothly every bit of me wanted it. I was willing to do anything. I felt hurt turned down like she knew how bad of a mom I'd be. That she left. To think six weeks before I had wanted to get rid of her and decided not to and she died anyway. She left me alone. Because I sucked I was just a stupid used little girl. When out of something so bad I thought something good could come from it. And all I got was drama pain and stress and loads of depression. Sometimes I think that the guy who made me pregnant was the devil and impregnated with his spawn only to make me suffer longer. Other times I feel like we both were evil him and I. I was so evil she could not thrive beauty does not thrive around dirt. Like I'm going to kill this one too. I hate myself I hate my body.Why do I kill the innocent? Why do I kill what's good and pure? The worst part of it isn't killing it though. It's the reason I can't admit it happened. It's the fact I had no control again I feel like pregnancy puts my life in someone else's hands I have no control just have to depend on and hope that the baby doesn't die and if it did prepare to be like I am. I feel like pregnancy just hurts me. That I'll just have that happen again and again if I ever trust it. People say you have three choices when you're pregnant to abort to place for adoption or parent. With this I didn't feel I had a choice. I pretend I did but I didn't really. She was already gone and I would be at risk... I told all my friends I had an abortion because I couldn't handle the pain of being told I was 14 of course I couldn't carry a pregnancy that's insulting and embarrassing most women carry their pregnancies to term by 17 weeks. Technically I've always been confused about my situation to start with. Like I was still pregnant there was just no heartbeat any longer. And the drs got her out of me. So I've felt like I was forced to abort the pregnancy because my body just couldn't it seemed. It was out of my control. My body had already destroyed her. No one ever talks about it it seems. Like I can look up several things about forced abortion but never can find anything at all about what I actually went through. Like I don't get how it's expected all of a sudden I'm supposed to feel ok about everything just because my baby no longer had a heartbeat. I don't see how I'm supposed to be fine with the dr ripping her from me. I don't see how I'm supposed to just say well that's that let's move on. It's impossible. Since her death I've developped a cutting habit right at my waste. Right where I lost her. I hate that part of me I hate that I couldn't depend on it that it was weak. I also have a substance abuse issue. Since I also think my life proves I was never meant for her it seems. I left home and well in a really fucked up spot right now I sometimes wonder what I'd do if I were still pregnant with her. I feel like I'm less than a woman because most women don't go through this. I feel like this pregnancy will make me feel less than a woman too. I'm too behind my peer to have a healthy baby. I'm just a fuck up... I'll never be able to prove I could do it like anyone else could.

Sorry if I was too brutal or triggering... I just bottle it all up...

Post edited by: preggoand14, at: 04/11/2012 02:46 PM

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04/11/2012 11:45 AM
kayleen86
 
Posts: 112
Member

I am sorry for your loss and all of the struggles you are facing right now and so sorry you feel so alone I think that counseling would be beneficial for you I am in counseling to try to deal with my miscarriage and am glad I went I wish I could offer you more support or answers but you are a beautiful person I promise thinking of you

04/11/2012 01:05 PM
mickeymouse
mickeymouse  
Posts: 327
Group Leader

I'm am so sorry you are going through this! I know the feeling of it eating away at you. I have been there and am still there. I was 14 1/2 weeks when I miscarried. with our girl. I still have problems coping with it Sad you are not a bad or evil person! And nothing you did was your fault. I can also sympathize with you that in no was was it a blessing that she is gone. I want to deck someone every time I hear them tell me that and I am 36. SO you are not alone! all of us have been there. I am still on anti depresants, because I was so lost all I did was stay in bed in a dark room and didn't want to face the world! You came to the right place. there are lovely women on this site that are so helpfull!!!!!!

04/11/2012 01:22 PM
maryandjimmie
maryandjimmie  
Posts: 1849
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Nothing that you did caused you to misscarriage we all questioned the same thing. Its not natural to lose a child and there is so many emotions you go through and no one understands the pain we feel unless they have been through it. You are not evil please dont feel like that. I want you to know im always here for you if you want to talk. I dont understand how anyone can say losing a child is a blessing I heard the same thing over and over again after each of my misscarriages and at my two childrens funeral it made me want to punch them. People dont understand the pain we are feeling in our heart losing a child is like losing a part of us.

Hugs Mary


04/12/2012 06:29 AM
preggoand14
Posts: 48
Member

thanks it's nice to know I'm not alone in this. I appreciate your kind words at this time I really do... I just don't get why...

04/12/2012 10:18 AM
mickeymouse
mickeymouse  
Posts: 327
Group Leader

hun I don't think any of us will know why.... We all ask ourselves the same question. I was wondering why it happened to me at 14 & 1/2 weeks. Like if I would have went to the dr. when my husband insisted I was pg 2 months before I found out. I was having my periods, but they where really like. So I wonder even now if I would have went to the dr's then would it have made a difference. but I know it wouldn't have. I don't understand why it happened to me either. this was my 3rd one in a row, but I was a lot further along then I was with the other 2. but like I said every one of us has wondered why....
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