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11/13/2011 06:05 PM

Feeling awful tonight.. will it ever get easier?

Louise1990
Louise1990  
Posts: 10
New Member

22nd November 2010 I went to my dating scan to hear no heartbeat. In that moment my world came crashing down around me and its been the same ever since.

So I'm sitting here watching rubbish on the tv whilst the other half is upstairs asleep, I feel so so alone. He says he is sad but I dont feel that he is sad. Well not like me. My silent miscarriage was cruel. Despite being told I had to have a D&C, midwifes 'forgot' about me. Even after constant calls to the hospital midwifes came up with all sorts of excuses but nobody seemed to understand or even care about what I was going through. I had to spend a week feeling pregnant, cravings, incredible all day sickness, sore boobs etc knowing there was no longer a living baby inside my tummy.

Now I'm approaching the year 'anniversary' of this and I just don't even know how I'm going to get through it. I cry every night, I'm messing up at work, and worst of all there's just no one to talk to. Friends and family clam up and feel awkward and the other half just says 'things happen for a reason' or 'well what do u want me to say?' I don't even know what I want him to say tbh. Maybe if he just came and sat with me no matter what the time and said just cry its okay to just cry I'd feel better? He spends his time stressing about money and bills but I don't care about that. I don't care about anything else anymore. I just wish I could stop feeling so devestated. A year on though and nothings changed. How do I get through this? Does it ever stop hurting?

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11/13/2011 06:45 PM
maryandjimmie
maryandjimmie  
Posts: 1849
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Louise,

I am so sorry you are going through this and I totally understand what you are saying. I know when I had two children pass away after full term I couldnt believe after seeing our babies and holding them he acted like it was no big deal when they passed or so I thought. He one day explained to me that men deal with it different. I guess since they dont carry the baby they dont get as close to the baby as we do. When I had over 10 misscarriages it was so hard to deal with and he was acting like nothing happened due to losing the other two full term. I had no one to talk to and felt so all alone and devistated. I will say that it does get easier over time and for me on my childrens of their passing I always release ballons with a note attached to it to my baby that always makes me feel so much better. I am here if you ever want to talk you dont have to go through this alone this is a great supportive group.

Mary


11/14/2011 02:53 AM
Louise1990
Louise1990  
Posts: 10
New Member

I woke up this morning because he was banging about clearly trying to wake me up.. He's very angry that I kept him awake- again. Now he's gone to work and left me crying. Worst part is he won't even be back for a week kz he works so far away. I feel sick guilty devestated grief stricken and worried for my relationship all at the same time xx

11/14/2011 03:58 PM
Snowi
Snowi  
Posts: 569
Senior Member

Hi louise,

Welcome. Im so sorry for your loss. Im glad u found us. It makes my sad that u dont have any support. The loss of a baby is so hard. Please post as much as u want here. A year is a rough time. U may want to do something in memory of your baby that day. Some ideas r release a baloon some people attach a letter to baby with it, go to a build a bear and make a stuffed bear in honnor of your baby, some women get angel tattoos, light a candel in memory of baby.

Mary is right men do grief differently then women. It is frustrating though.

Take care


11/15/2011 05:37 PM
Louise1990
Louise1990  
Posts: 10
New Member

Thankyou for your suggestions, I was thinking of a tattoo.. Similar to the balloon idea I though I might get some of those chinese lanterns and let them go over the sea at night.. Then again it would be twice as sad because I'd have to go alone.. In a strange way I wish I had a grave to tend and to sit by, a resting place.. I even considered getting a small plain cross made and putting it in the corner of a cemetary (I hope you don't think I'm mad), I wouldn't tell anyone- just so I had somewhere private to go. Although I'm sure this isn't allowed? Also I'd be devestated if I went there one day and someone had moved it.

11/15/2011 10:31 PM
June7
June7  
Posts: 174
Member

I agree, men grieve differently.

My beloved could not make a decision for a while. I am talking about paper or plastic at the grocery store! He changed his mind in the blink of an eye. He asked me what he should do on simple matters. Indecision was his tears. My strong headed, decisive stuborn guy changed drastically.

Did he cry? Not as much as I did.

Did he grieve? Absolutely as much as I did.

Have there been any changes in your guy? Or were you in such pain yourself you did not notice (believe me, it took me a while to see this in my beloved)?

And did your guy recover or get better? If so, what helped?

My beloved said last night, "I would do anything to make you feel better. The problem is, I am lost too."

You ask us if it will get easier, yet your tag line reads things get better in the end. If it doesn't get better, it isn't the end.

Are you living life like it will get better? Do you expect it to, or is it just a good tag line (I do like it)?

Rest easy friend.


11/16/2011 03:23 AM
mickeymouse
mickeymouse  
Posts: 327
Group Leader

another idea since you wanted to go somewhere to remember oyu lost angle is plant a tree, rose bush, tree, any thing you want and watch it grow Smile and when you need a pick me up or are sad you can go to the planted item and take solice from it. It does get a little better and the year mark is probably the hardest it was for me. and the girls are right guys do take it differently Smile have you asked him just to hold you so you dont feel so alone? tell him how you are feeling sometimes they just dont understand, it think sometime it's in their DNA. Deffenitly talk to him. even though you are upset he just might not no what to do. the best thing my husband did was hold me once he knew what was going on. and he also gave me space when I needed it, god bless and I hope he will help you! If not most of us are on here and all of us would be glad to talk with you! welcome to the site.

11/16/2011 12:08 PM
Louise1990
Louise1990  
Posts: 10
New Member

I think my tagline is more of a hope than a belief.. He keeps saying I can talk to him but when I do he says I pick the wrong moments to talk. He sees things in black and white. In his mind everything is straight forward, for example- it happened, we were sad at the time we pick ourselves back up and we move on. Certainly isn't that simple for me. I think it irritates him that I 'wear my heart on my sleeve' (as he puts it). Looking back he wasn't really there to see all of what I went though, he went back to work the next day and I went to my mums. Its complicated. We didn't really know each other back then. The baby was not planned (yet the moment I saw those two little lines -and almost choked on my toothbrush- I fell in love with that baby). We had been together exactly 6weeks when we found out I was 5+4pregnant! We decided to stay together make it work and get to know each other. When we got back after the scan we were both in shock and I just said well what now? R we going to be alright? He suprised me by saying we'll try again at some point and well since then we've just been cracking on. But every day is a struggle.

11/16/2011 12:14 PM
Louise1990
Louise1990  
Posts: 10
New Member

I would like to add that he's not all bad and I know he doesn his best. He did come back from work to go with me to the D&C.. He literally had to drag me kicking and screaming to the car, we were over 2hrs late to the hospital Dizzy .. I was a little dissapointed to find out he'd left the ward to go and get a sandwich whilst I was in theatre though.. >Sad

11/16/2011 04:27 PM
Snowi
Snowi  
Posts: 569
Senior Member

I completely understand u wanting a grave to go to. Our hospital has a burial plot with a stone in a cematary where once a year they bury the babies that were misscarried. The grave is dedicated to all that have lost babies. Idk if there is something similar in your area. U could ask the hospital or cematary.
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