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11/20/2011 05:40 PM

MID-LIFE CRISIS-MENTAL ILLNESS?

toughtimes
Posts: 56
Member

I am now a survivor of my husbands mid-life crisis. I did not do anything special to get to this place..but I realize now that I am starting to move on from being an emotional hostage in my husband's drama. There is no change in his bizarre behaviour but the changes that I have made in my life are starting to pay off. It is a relief not to have the constant track playing over and over in your thoughts and that there are times where you are happy and fulfilled!!

It takes a long time to deal with the rejection, betrayal and humiliation-but I do realize that it is all a long process of grieving that one has to go through.

I not done anything special that has caused me to get to this new level. I have done a lot of reading, research and self reflection. I faced the pain and learned new things about myself. I am not in a new relationship with someone else yet..I have used the time to face the pain and learn about myself and created a stable foundation for my children so that when I do meet someone..it will be a healthy relationship.

I only know the last 2 years have been nothing but a nightmare and the lack of support for such a time is appalling. I really have had only myself to rely on and books, and the internet as there are no support groups for mid-life crisis in my city and asking doctor's opinions is pretty much hopeless..especially if you ask the advice of a mid-life male doctors opinion. It seems as though it is an "uncomfortable subject" that they prefer to say "well don't really know if I believe in such a thing" As for all the well meaning family and friends--there support is appreciated but the one thing that is really needed in such a time is the ability to relate to someone that has gone through exactly the same thing.

As only 5% of mid-life males go through such a extreme crisis..the odds are incredibly stacked against you to find someone to relate to in your own circle of friends and family and coupled with the fact that most people write off the time as "getting a divorce" or "stress" the fact is that there is a lot of behaviour and NOBODY wants to talk about it...period. Mid-life crisis involves depression and there is a majority of people out there that "do not want to believe that mental illness is in their family"

If mid-life crisis was medically recognized..it might perhaps help the victims of this "illness". If our spouses had cancer or alzheimers..we would have sympathy and support...with statements of "oh how awful" or "how sad..it must be so tough on you all"

Instead we are/were left with the stigma of cheating, leaving etc. and the ugly gossip of people who can not possibly understand. Sad Sad

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11/28/2011 10:15 AM
JustJulie62
JustJulie62Posts: 925
Member

re: Mid-life crisis involves depression and there is a majority of people out there that "do not want to believe that mental illness is in their family"

I couldn't agree more with that statement. Also, I think extreme stress and trauma can cause mental health issues - even if they were dormant or non existent to begin with.

It does seem odd that more men than women experience this mid life crisis stuff - cheating, acting like teenagers...I wonder why? Women seem to get the shaft all the time.

I struggle with getting older but not to the point where I need outside influences to pump up my self esteem. I was married late in life - only four years ago - he is ten years older - and already married before. I hope he won't have a mid life later in life breakdown - if so, I am outta here.

Sorry for your pain - I've always felt middle aged men needed a kick in the pants for the aftermath of sorrow they implore as a result of their childish needs. Even as a young women I saw this and it is probably one of the reasons I didn't marry sooner.

Hugs.


12/27/2011 09:34 AM
wolfmanpark
wolfmanpark  
Posts: 2721
VIP Member

Hope you ladies dont mind a mans point of view here its short and sweet. I went or kinda am going thru one now or was. I went out and bought a motorcycle and she came home from work with it sitting in my work shop nice and pretty. I did however wreck this bike and damn near killed my ass. I can relate to the cheating and stuff its weird as hell and most men dont even know why they do it. I can say that when men are going thru this that the rope that is given to them is long they will almost always take full advantage of it. My advice is to give short rope to the men we are like animals. And sometimes it can be mental illness setting in and we dont see it coming.

01/03/2012 06:18 PM
toughtimes
Posts: 56
Member

It is great to get some insight into a man's point of view in regards to cheating.

Your statement of "men really don't know why they do it" sounds like you still have not been made accountable for your cheating..and are still in denial. The "rope" you write about is the space in a relationship called trust and respect. This "rope" is forever shattered after someone "cheats"

I really find it hard to believe that men don't know why they cheat. I think that everyone who has been in a long or short term relationship/marriage will encounter a time and a person where there is an "attraction" which leads to an intense "chemical" reaction to another person.

This is a time that morals and values are tested..and decisions are made at that point. There are not one but two people that are accountable at this time...BEFORE the point of no return.

The lure of the attraction and the "feelings" it conjures up is one of the toughest times that tests a relationship..BUT there are two people there in that moment..and one person can change the outcome.

There are really no laws where people are held accountable for cheating (even though a marriage certificate is a legal binding contract) and even if there were laws..they could not show the suffering imposed on a person or family.

I know some people believe in karma..

Post edited by: toughtimes, at: 01/17/2012 05:27 PM


01/31/2012 08:35 PM
toughtimes
Posts: 56
Member

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xn676-fLq7I

Kelly Clarkson sums it up in this video!!

Enjoy!!! Smile Smile


03/31/2012 09:52 PM
Obsessive
ObsessivePosts: 46
Member

I just wanted to say here...Women definitely can have mid life crisis's.... I had one much more powerful than my husband did, and it was all sexual in nature. I wanted to go back in time something feirce, but he was with me every step of the way, I was open & honest with him with what I was feeling, He could not keep up with my sex drive but he never turned me down... we went through a little wild phase, but we did it all together... going to stip clubs, rock concerts with Mosh pits, and I wanted to take Hot romantic vacations. My Mid Life Crisis was the best thing that ever happened to US..., but when it started, I thought I had a darn sex addiction, even posting here about it.

Having a partner who is approachable - that we can share our very souls with, without judgement, if there is vulnerability there and love...these things can be overcome.

If Truly a mental illness is involved, that is a diffent story I suppose. Just wanted to say... Women can have them too.


04/01/2012 02:39 PM
toughtimes
Posts: 56
Member

Yes I believe everyone goes through a transition at mid-life (male and female)...but honestly try to envision your husband leaving and doing all you did with him with someone else!! THAT is the big difference!!

06/06/2012 03:02 PM
vinnie1
Posts: 2
New Member

Hi

first time on this forums and read your story.i can relate to you as i am going through this nightmare at this present time.these men,my husband for nearly 27 years included if only they can realize the hurt and the damage they cause to there children,family. everyone is affected and they can not or refuse to be accountable for there actions. he had his affair for the past 7 years and has still denied it and swore on my kids life and my precious grandson and to his mother,no there was nothing going on,i have found him out in so many lies and he still lies, full of deceit,even devious at times, and he show no emotion and the mind games he has played with me telling me i have not seen or heard things he has said and done.Walking out on the family, then crying to get back, saying it his head but looking back fobbing me off,I am not to bring up the past, which i had done,i never casted up to him there has to be a touch of mental illness there even his family think so,Telling me the kids dont need him all they want is money"please" I feel as if i am watching a film only it my life and i have to be strong for my children, each time he has walked out over the last 2 years he would not talk or explain his actions to anyone of us and i have begged him on give us closure and he has still refused.Every one of his family think its a midlife crisis, he has done it again and this time it his last,I can honestly say i am a truthful person i hate lies and deceit ,i am sometime maybe too straight i feel and maybe easily read.


06/06/2012 04:08 PM
toughtimes
Posts: 56
Member

I so feel your pain...the constant inability to see the consequences of their behaviour is really, really, really hard to take.

When one values truth and honesty - it makes their behaviour all the more difficult and painful.

I so agree with you that everyone is affected. They lie to and deceive all members of the family. Everyone is a hostage in their drama.

It makes me sad to say that we(myself and adult children) have never seen ANY remorse or received a sincere apology from him in 2 1/2 years.

I too feel like I am living in some kind of "Terminator" movie and my husband has the starring role!!


06/08/2012 04:37 PM
havehope1284
Posts: 3
New Member

I'm not new to the midlife crisis rollercoaster ride, I've been on my husbands now for 4 1/2 years. I've been mostly alone through this, my adult children have witnessed all the craziness, as much as they could take anyway, and I really am glad to see this forum. I joined one when he first left, all I was really looking for was someone who may help answer some of the "why" questions. I was looking for someone to tell me, oh yes, he's in a MLC and here's what's gonna happen. This is how long it'll last. That's not what I found, I found many were bitter and were using the forum to trash their spouse. I quit the group and pushed forward alone. I would love to share what I've been through the last 4.5 years, the disappointments and the joys. I am here to tell anyone who really wants to know if there is hope, YES THERE IS. But....like everything else in life, there will be a price to pay.

For everyone being brought on this incredibly painful ride, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I KNOW what this takes out of a person, out of a family.

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