Midlife Crisis Online Support Group

I am almost a week from going to court in regards to property division. It has been almost 2 years since my husband went into full on extreme mid-life crisis and I have given up on ever seeing the person that me and my children once knew. It is a scary place to be knowing you are going to court with someone who is "just not right" and who cannot seem to make reasonable and just decisions.

Our separation started with the usual "not happy" speech and from that proceeded what I call "an emotional breakdown" the emotional disconnect is probably the hardest one to explain to people. You have to know a person very very well to see it. The reasonable loving person I once knew would at this point be able to see fault in his actions and see that his reactions to pretty much everything are unreasonable.

I only know that he is suffering from mid-life crisis although the usuage of the word suffering is tounge in cheek. Having great regular sex I am sure is a benefit of a "friend" and as in my case having no responsibilities of running a home or having to participate in family events make my husbands "fantasy life" a much better option than reality.

Mid-life crisis seems to bless them with the ability to not have any guilt over the life changing hurtful events that their behaviour does to everyone they love. They churn through life like a tornado destroying everything good in its path.

They don't need to feel the hurt of being replaced by someone (serious or not). The idea that they are not happy or fullfilled is somehow everyone elses fault and they are entitled to do what and whatever they want to.

Somehow this cannot all be told to people who only hear of the breakup and think "there are always two sides to that story" Yes, but unfortunatley no one ever can truly tell the story of the severe mid-life crisis because it really is too hard to believe that someone can actually have a 360 degree turn in their personality. By this I mean seeing someone literally overnight turn from a sweet even tempered person become hostile and have unexplained emotional angry outbursts. Morals are just thrown out the window. A family man turns into a teenager - with drinking, partying, lying, overspending and coupled with lack of judgement, reasoning and poor decision make for a person you and your children no longer recognize. It is like a switch in their brain has just "snapped" and some kind of emotional disconnect happens and a "hormonal coma" takes over. They never seem to remember the ourtbursts or hurtful statements they screamed and cried about...go figure.

The amount of sex in the relationship with the spouse doesn't seen to make a difference..there are just as many men in mid-life crisis who are having regular sex with their mates (and who find a "friend") as the ones where there is little to none.

I know there are many people like me in profound pain...I have done a lot of research and there are many, many, many stories of the same extreme behaviour.

I find it difficult to find stories of what happens after this "condition" ends. I understand this mid-life crisis goes from approx 2-7 years. Divorce I am sure is one outcome. I also feel that once this time is over...it is just to painful and embarrasing to even discuss..you just want to forget it even happened.

I have read that mid-life crisis is depression based and the crazy behaviour stems from the symptoms (see depression male/female symptoms)

Knowing this though does not make it less painful..you cannot reason with a mid-lifer to get them to see a doctor for antidepressants or some kind of counselling...they prefer to self medicate (alcohol etc)

I only wish that this condition could be told on national television so the world could see the pain that all the families of extreme mid-life crisis affects. It would be helpful I sure to many..to have this dirty secret of mid-life out in the open.

Post edited by: toughtimes, at: 09/30/2011 11:25 AM

Post edited by: toughtimes, at: 10/06/2011 10:07 PM

I have heard/seen and witnessed this scenario before...especially with men going thru mid life crisis. You are right, there should be more awareness about this - maybe you should email Dr. Phil as a suggested show topic.

I am just approaching mid life (48) and married a man two years ago who is 56, telling him upon meeting that if I see any mid life crisis bullshit I'm outta here faster than you can say LIFE. Then again, we don't have a long history, with children, etc.

Why is it women always seem to get the short end of the stick? Don't men realize we have our own insecurities about aging but we don't go out and buy a sports car, dump our wives of XX number of years, and screw 20 year old girls.

I have heard of some women taking back their husbands after they have had their fun, but I'm not sure I could/would. Men run, women stay and fight for their family.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I still worry about it to some extent. One of the reasons I didn't get married earlier in life. Unfortunately the court system is so black and white.

How someone can change so drastically is a mystery to me. If it makes you feel any better, this happened to a friend of mine. Her husband ran off with a young women, telling her tall tales no doubt, and the ONLY reason she was with him was that she thought he had money (he did, but not for long). Divorce took some of it, then a bad investment, then loss of job, and guess what....the loss of his young booty call! Then he crawled back to my friend (who got the house) asking for forgiveness 5 years after the fact. Fortunately, she had moved on and I think he had to go live with his son in another state because he had nowhere to go.

Wishing you sanity, and eventually happiness.

Dr. Phil has done MLC episodes. He did one last Spring and his producer told me the day before they taped it that they would probably not repeat the topic in the next season--they spread that sort of topic out I guess.

But then they will have MLC within other topics such as infidelity, it just won't highlight the situation as MLC.

I have heard of some women taking back their husbands after they have had their fun...

Back is a regression and when a person takes someone back, that is what they will get--a damaged person back. Forward is different. Forward takes a long time and there may be a few backs that precede a forward.

As for it being fun; it's not. Depression permeates MLC and the MLCer is running from Liminal/Overt Depression. The alienator guilts them, their spouse may guilt them and they are filled with their own--healthy--guilt for their actions. During the Escape & Avoid phase they are running from their own guilt which may be why some observers do not detect it.

Maybe a year-and-a-half after Bomb Drop Sweetheart was talking to me and crying and he said everyone thinks I'm out there having fun, but this isn't fun. The alienator had faked a pregnancy, threatened suicide and told him he was responsible for her happiness and success and that he was also responsible for her failings and that he owed her. He felt trapped. Understanding MLC and infidelity, I saw through the facade and into the depression; it was obvious to me that he was not having fun.

Men run, women stay and fight for their family.

There are plenty of men who Stand for their marriages while their wives go through MLC.

hi there,

firstly id like to say hello im a single mum with two lil madams, managing with life,,not an easy route.when youve been with someone for 21 yrs and then all hell is let loose and your left to deal with debts and being a parent single handed.. not easy..

i too have been trying to get along for the past two years a single mum .. fighting csa , but since become reposessed as he got married and chose to stop payments luckery he was paying half the mortgage till he got married one year on.. and yes iv had nothing but grief from her... he is in denial and wont accept the mess he has caused..

im happy to be your pal and chat to you both help and support one n other through this time.

sue xxx

I am exactly nine months into my husband's mid-life tornado, and I am so tired and of trying to understand,

reach out and see if I can reach the man I married and adored for 33 years. Over the last few months I have come to the conclusion that he isn't there anymore, and in order for me to have a life I need to move on to

a life without him. He did with me, overnight. He also has moved emotionally away from our three children, whom he adored.

I am just appreciative to read that this is a reality and other wives and family are going through the same

experience. You can not imagine it until you are in the midst of it. It boggles ones mind, and challenges your sanity about events because normal people don't do this. But these mid life men totally do. They suddenly live their wives and families of decades, have little emotional attachment and empathy to the pain and hurt they

have caused, and become defensive, and accusatory of what transpired.

They are self-centered cowards, and do truly act as if they are sixteen years old.

The hardest part is to sever the feelings you have had for them for so many years. To look and talk to them

and get literally no answers or response. There are no answers.

Anyone experiencing it- Hang in there. You are not crazy, or misreading what is going on. It is the most unbelievable experience of my life, but I am determined to take control of my life and make it

wonderful. I hope all of you try to do the same.

5yrs for me in the madness. My husband was my best friend.I actually thought we had made it through the tunnel only to find spinning again after his mothers death. All those tell tail signs began showing up like a tape recorder on replay.The only difference is me. I am tired. I guess you could say something finally snapped in me. When it started again, I was on my how can I save him once again plan. Why I was on this? Maybe because I had over 20 yrs invested in him, could not see my kids go through that again, I will have failed again, I took my vows seriously, even after everything I still loved him or maybe I just felt ashamed to face it. Then the light bulb went off. I had been calling therapists for my husband and one had finally called back. I had my list of questions. Does the therapist believe in Midlife crisis? can they be open minded? ect. When she asked me why these questions , I gave a short speech. I got to the part of I caught him cheating( sexting but still cheating in my book)for the first time and she interrupted me with" That you know of" I was like" Oh, we talked, put everything on the table and he told me" . She then said" That you know of. He has lied to you, has shown behaviors and you have no idea how long he has really been doing things, he may have just gotten cocky and sloppy". The light bulb went off. She was right. Then she said these words that sealed it " you have had hard times during the yrs I am sure but you valued your marriage and the life you built, whether he did or not, he is not now and you have to deal with the reality that he may never again. Do you value yourself enough to make what you know you have a priority over what ifs?". Was hard to hear but so true. Not sure this will help you but it did me. Good luck no matter what you decide.

Christi

Leecarll

I so agree with you on all of your points in regards to mid-life crisis.

The struggles that the spouses are left to deal with are pretty much not compresensible to most people.

We do not have any tests, support or medicine to help us with anything to do with the crisis and the general attitude amongst the public is not one that provides us with any type of comfort that is SO needed.

Mid-life crisis is a real life emotional tornado. Probably the most powerful of all destructive forces that could be imposed on a family and certainly the most damaging.

Think about people.

Think about need, real need to live.

Think about what makes the man, and also the woman of value to them selves, to each other, and there social collective.

Is the value there?

Man or woman are not able to be a "stay at home" ," go to work", " the one having the crisis", and so on... Yes one person will fill 90% of the role but at no time will it work if each gives less then 100%.

Life is long, five, ten years suck it up! Think about the other 70...

P.S. but, ya some people... Boot them in the teeth...