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05/31/2011 07:44 PM

Here's my scenario

Posts: 1
New Member

My husband & I have been married for 14 yrs. We have 2 daughters 7 & 12. The last few months we have been arguing more often than usual about petty things and I had begun to feel as though he was building a wall between us. I began to feel lonely although our sex life was as good as ever. It was our communication and general caring and respect for each other that seemed to have changed. On a Sat a couple weeks ago he decided to lounge in bed. From the moment I got up I sensed that something was bothering him so I asked him. I was completely blindsided by his response, he said "I'm frustrated about everything in my life, I care about you but I am not in love with you anymore and haven't been for awhile." He went on to say "my heart it cold and closed to loving you, I have no desire to even ask God for help to get the love back." I was devastated and broke down crying hysterically. He cried and told me he would stay with me through the transition and to help me detach from him. I kept begging for an explanation but he did not have any. Remembering how last year at 44 yrs old he decided to start wearing skinny jeans and carrying a Coach wallet and how within the last couple months he was getting regular manicures, pedicures, hair cuts and beard trimmed I asked "are you seeing someone else". He was adamant that he was not and did not have any intention of pursuing anyone. He just didn't want to be with me, although he still cares about me and wants to be my friend. Looking back over the last 6 months I realized he had been showing signs of anxiety and depression. A casual friendship that he had with a mutual friend of ours became a secretive online chatting and texting relationship. She invited him (not our family) to go to church with her and would come and pick him up. Then the Tues after he broke this news to me she called and invited him to a baseball game, she would come and pick him up and drop him off. At that point I began praying fervently asking God for direction and for some reason I googled male midlife crisis where I found the signs of a crisis and my husband has every one. Thinking this was good news I shared my discovery with him. What a mistake because he became irate and demanded I stop analysing him or he would leave immediately. Last week I began seeing a counselor, he refuses to go with me. He says he has God as his counselor and doesn't need mans wisdom. By the way my husband is a minister so our belief against divorce is very strong. Also, our belief that God put us together for His divine kingdom purpose has always been the heart of our marriage. My husband made the announcement to me on Sat that he feels like a caged animal and cannot be in the house with me. He agreed to stay until the girls get out of school so they do not have to go through this transition while still in school. School finishes for them on June 7th. Other things I have noticed is he is paranoid about who I talk to and what I say. He is always questioning me about where I go, who I was with, what we talked about but if I was to ask him anything like that I would start a riot. He does have a history of substance abuse but has not touch anything other than a glass of wine at dinner occasionally since Dec 1998. A few months back he started buying bottles of wine to drink at home. This has now escalated to a bottle sometimes 2 a day. He does not get drunk but he gets numb and falls asleep. I do not believe he has had a physical affair but I am sure that he has detached from me emotionally and attached to our friend. I brought the issue to her attention a couple weeks ago because I could not believe that she would knowingly participate and I also discussed it with her mother and they were both appauled at what I was telling them. She has since cut all communication with him. The day I spoke with them I was in the parking lot of my daughter's school and he was in the car so he could see me. I did not want to hide anything from him because after all she is my friend too and this is my marriage too. When I got in the car he asked me what we were talking about and when I told him he blew a fuse. I have never seen him so angry. He was ready to go home pack his bags and leave. I was able to speak calmly to him and we ended up having one of our best conversations in a long time and he was back to staying until June 7th. He continues to deny that it is a MLC but everything I research and my counselor confirms that it is. He has been sleeping on the couch for the past week, we have only been intimate twice since he broke the news, and tonight he moved to the guest room. he told me he is still attracted to me physcially and sexually but will not continue a sexual relationship with me because he no longer considers me his with so it would have no meaning to it other than sex and he doesn't want to give me false hope. He told me today that he is finished, has no desire to try to restore anything or give me a 2nd chance. Then he told me that he just has to leave for his own benefit he has to get out before he explodes and if I try to stop him or control or manipulate him he will take drastic measures and go ahead with divorce proceedings. He has know idea where he will go. We only have one car and it is mine that I inheirited from my mother last year. He has limited income because he is disabled and he cannot afford to have his own home. I feel as though I am stuck because I know that God can do something that no man can do, I can see in his eyes that he still loves me but that love is so hidden. I am completely prayed out. Over the weekend I ordered every book I could find on the subject including seperation and divorce. I love my husband unconditionally and have told him that he can never go to far away to turn around and come back. I reminded him that my vow before God and our families was 'until death to we part" and I still stand on that vow. I have taken this opportunity to work on some things within myself that i discovered i needed to deal with and he has taken notice of the things by complimenting me and even made the statement that if I had done these things sooner maybe we wouldn't be in this situation. Well, that is a cross I refuse to bear because I know nothing i did or didn't do got us to this point and unfortunately nothing I do or don't do will get us out. Or will it? That's why I am hear asking those of you who have tread this path before me for help. First and formost for prayer because I have faith and hope in God that there will be restoration. But I also need so "been there, done that" advice.

09/05/2011 03:51 PM
Posts: 56

I am walking in that path at the story has a lot of parallels to yours. I am convinced that my husband and yours are in extreme mid-life crisis. I cannot even tell you the amount of pain that we have been through in the past year and a half. To watch a loving, functional marriage destruct through the actions of mid-life crisis is pain beyond comprehension.

I have watched a sweet tempered, loving, kind and moral man transform into someone that our children have said "I don't even know who dad is" and is too much for most of my family and friends to understand. I am not kidding when I say there was a complete 360 degree shift in personality.

Being told that "he is not happy" was only the beginning for me.

Going out to get his own place, extreme drinking, extreme lack of judgement, no logical reasoning, overspending, partying like a teenager, avoiding all comunication, fits of temper and lying are only some of the behaviour changes that we have been subjected to.

So many stories over the past year and a half and I have clung to the hope that this "hormonal coma" may come to an end and that perhaps some kind of healing could happen.

And then "the friend"

After many, many, many times of asking and denial..somehow the skeleton always falls out of the closet. Yes, "the friend"

A friend is someone who tells a man who is married/newly separated that you need to work on yourself. If you still feel the same in a year....lets go out then. That's not the type of "friend" my husband found. This brought another level of pain that cannot be described.

To the people who do not believe in extreme mid-life crisis..I can only have to see it to believe it and hope that no one you love puts you though this. It is like family cancer with no chemo.

Post edited by: toughtimes, at: 09/05/2011 03:52 PM

Post edited by: toughtimes, at: 09/05/2011 08:00 PM

09/26/2011 04:08 PM
JustJulie62Posts: 925

I sincerely mean no offense religiously (I admire your faith), but your husband has no business being a minister. Practice what you preach.....I had a married pastor hit on me when I was single....I was shocked, since he was living a double life. Another reason i don't go to church...I dial direct. I will pray for your sister, but not for your husband. I will pray you find healing. You can't always find the answer through prayer, it sounds like he needs to see a shrink...and step down from his profession.

I hope things work out for you, truly, but I see you doing all the work, all the prayer and having all the faith - not him (based on what your wrote here). It sounds like his faith isn't as strong as you believe it to be.



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