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10/09/2012 02:36 PM

I think my husband is going through a Midlife HELP

4dd
Posts: 15
New Member

All of a sudden my husband is telling me he is happier being alone. He is trying to find "HIM" and says he loves me and is physically attracted to me but doesn't love me the way i love him. He has indulged himself into the gym (in which he has been doing for a couple of years now) but now he says it is his focus, i notice he is trying to dress a little differently, even my son notices that. He says he needs space. He is very stressed about his current job and is looking for a new one. His father who he was extremely close to died a little over a yr ago, and he did tell me since his dad died his life has fell apart. I think it bothers him although he is proud that our son is getting ready to graduate high school. He claimed to have lack of energy but is now taking testosterone shots which he claims has helped. He said he has lost enjoyment in things he used to do. We used to hang out and go everywhere together and had fun, but that hasn't happened for a quite a while and now says he needs to keep his distance from me to figure out what he wants. He suffers depression and Anxiety. He has REALLY changed in the last 2 weeks because just 2 weeks ago he asked me if i wanted to go on a cruise. I am so so confused, i am mad one minute crying the next and playing superwoman the next. Can someone please help me give me some insight tell me how i should and should not approach this. Or am i wrong and this does not sound like a midlife? By the way he is 43 yrs old and we have been married almost 25 yrs.
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10/09/2012 02:42 PM
4dd
Posts: 15
New Member

Also he CLAIMS he has gone to counseling...marriage counseling, he didnt think i needed to go because i dont need to learn to give... he does, does that make sense, could he have really saw one or is he just trying to make like he is trying to get help but trying to find answers on his own?

10/09/2012 02:44 PM
4dd
Posts: 15
New Member

Reading these other posts are triggering other things he has said. He did say he got married to young and settled for less (not the person) and he felt guilty.

10/10/2012 06:11 PM
toughtimes
Posts: 56
Member

Yes, by the sounds of it it sounds like your husband is in/going into a mid-life (hopefully transition) and not crisis.

There are a lot of "symptoms" and there is the familiar trigger of the death of a parent.

It seems that there really is nothing that can be done to help (this doesn't mean not to try..(talking, counselling etc) but when(if) this crisis strikes..it is like there is no stopping the "re-programming" that has happened.

One clue is...they do not usually want counselling..they are not able to see that there is anything wrong with them. They are "ENTITLED" now and say and do as they want. (like teenagers)

A severe mid-life crisis runs a pretty long and painful course for the loved ones of the crisis. I can only suggest that you arm yourself with the knowledge of what a mid-life crisis is and hope that it is a transistion you are dealing with rather than a "full-on" crisis.

Post edited by: toughtimes, at: 10/10/2012 06:12 PM


10/11/2012 06:38 PM
rd2001md
 
Posts: 13
New Member

I believe my husband is going through a midlife crisis. We were in the process of moving out of state due to a huge promotion my husband received. He went to work at the new job and after 4 days of being away from us, he had made a complete change. At 1st. he told me he was unhappy and depressed and didn't know why. He back out of the promotion and shut my kids and myself out of his life. It was as if we didn't exist. He finally after a few week, told me he loved me but didn"t know if he was in love with me anymore. I have been fighting a battle for almost a year now. We have come a long ways since it all started. I was shattered in a millon pieces but I refuse to be shattered any longer. I Love my husband with all my heart. I won't give up on us!!

10/13/2012 06:41 AM
4dd
Posts: 15
New Member

This morning he was telling me he wished he were popular in school and I asked him why and he said it would have made a big difference in his life. THIS DOES NOT sound like my husband at all !!!! He never cared about that at all. I told him that's just not something that we ever cared about and have always told our kids not to care about and h said well it matters to me, I'm standing there thinking HUH???? And so i said well in wouldn't let it bother me he said I don't , I like the me now! But for him to say all that he said makes me really think midlife crisis or transition more so than ever. What do u think?

10/13/2012 08:47 AM
toughtimes
Posts: 56
Member

You know your husband best. You will know if if there is something "different" about him.

I do know what you mean about the "huh?" statements..the things he says now are completely opposite to the beliefs he has previously held.

In mid-life people start to question everything about their lives and it seems the outcome of what happens is where they place the blame of what they feel is making them unhappy. If it is their job..sometimes they will up and quit...it it is their marriage...(sometimes they leave or affair) etc.

I can't tell from your information if he is still trying to "figure it out" or you suspect he may be with or/thinking about someone else.

Watching them "change" is unsettling and is a really, really hard time..I KNOW how upsetting your husbands behaviour is making you feel and you have a right to feel that way. Nothing about him makes any sense.

It is really hard to understand that you will not be able to control the outcome..this is an internal battle that is going on inside him. Let's hope he figures it out and your life pretty much stays the same!!

Post edited by: toughtimes, at: 10/13/2012 09:08 AM

Post edited by: toughtimes, at: 10/13/2012 11:25 AM


10/13/2012 01:54 PM
rd2001md
 
Posts: 13
New Member

It is hard. I don't know what hurts the most, seeing him struggle with depression or all the horrible things he has said to me when it all came out. I know that alot of the things he has said has hurt me but I'm gonna keep myself and family together.He's not the husband I knew. Once in awhile I do see the man I married. It could end, but not without a fight. I just hope its just a Transition not a full out Midlife Crisis. All I do is Pray and stay Positive. He's the Love of my Life!! I feel this has happened for a reason. I believe we needed a reality check on our Marriage.I'm ready for our Marriage to start over fresh.

Post edited by: rd2001md, at: 10/13/2012 02:21 PM


10/13/2012 05:57 PM
4dd
Posts: 15
New Member

We had a long 2 hr chat tonight. I'm not going to say it was great but it wasn't deathly either. He told me he loves me and respects me and swears he is not cheating because this has nothing to do with sex he has great sex at home and a good woman he just doesn't feel that connection. He also said since he lost his dad a yr and a month ago that he feels like his life has fell apart. His dad was his best friend the one who understood everything he meant and said and never questioned it with a "huh", or "what do you mean by that" which I am guilty for he says that's why he could never open up to me. I think I seriously need to work on that and will. He also said he is not looking to separate or divorce he has no reason too and hopes maybe he is just going thru something and come out of it but is making me no promises because that's not fair to me if he doesn't know anything for sure. He said he doesn't think this is a midlife but doesn't know cause he doesn't really understand whAt he is going through. I personally know he isn't looking for anyone else but just has his own issues to work on and figure out. I feel the same way you do that this man is the one god brought to me for a reason and I deeply believe we r meant to be together. I guess time will see and I hope he hangs on and gives our lives together one more try. Pray for our family please and in will do the same for yours. I'm glad someone else is around for ME to talk to that understands.....

10/13/2012 07:07 PM
toughtimes
Posts: 56
Member

Yes it is really hard not having the answers or a pill to fix the problem..and support for this is REALLY hard to find.

Listen to your heart..you will know what you will put up with if his behaviour gets worse. Try to remember you cannot control what is happening inside of him.

You say there are things that you would like to be different as well in your marriage..you can use this time reflect and think about this..but do not blame yourself..everyone has problems in a marriage.

Mid-life crisis is not about the problems in your marriage. They will spit out many untruths (the huh? statements)in their rants..those really sting but I have found that my husband never seemed to have a recollection of these statements...(go figure)

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