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09/22/2012 12:54 PM

My husband in a midlife crisis

gregil
 
Posts: 6
New Member

My husband is 39 and suddenly decided to move out of the house, because according to him we fight too much and he needs some space to resolve issues! This was a big surprise to me; I had been in so much shock that my doctor had to describe an anti-depressant. We have received councelling; and the therapist asked me to give him the space that he needs, and if he returns back home it will be a bonus. This is the worst time in my life; how could things change so dramatically in such a short period of time? We have two children (7 and 10). I hope the therapy works, and what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Please help!
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09/23/2012 10:32 PM
toughtimes
Posts: 56
Member

A true mid-life crisis seems to come with no answers for the on-lookers (friends and family) The crisis seems to strike overnight and is extremely frightening and overwhelming.

I can only suggest that you do your best to try to stay in the moment..your children are small and they will keep you busy with all their needs. I remember just trying to take it day by day...and to focus on what needed to be done (eg work, grocery shopping, cooking, lunches etc) because in a crisis all those regular things seem 10x harder to get done.

Finding an outlet for answers helped me out at the beginning...looking up all sorts of information about mid-life crisis brought some insight and understanding and provided some comfort in knowing that I was not the only one going through the horrible nightmare!

Sad Sad Sad


10/05/2012 03:59 PM
dguti20
Posts: 2
New Member

I had been married for 30 years and we had 2 children together. He will turn 54 tomorrow and 4 years ago he started acting very strange. He said his life had not turned out as he had hoped. When I asked if he loved me he said he did not know. He began womanizing and even got into trouble at work. He was suspended and almost forfeited his retirement for some bad choices. He finally retired but the distance between us became worse. I took it very hard and it began to take a toll on my health. After going to doctors and counselors it was apparent that I needed to make a choice for my health. So I did. I told him that I was going to visit our daughter in Brazil for a week and then I was going to study Spanish in Buenos Aires. I told him that he was going to have to leave my house since I was going to turn off all utilites. Reluctantly he did. We said our goodbyes and were kind and civil with one another.

I was faithful an did not stray even though I had doubts as to what he was doing. But since there had been at least the last 4 years of the lack of love and affection that I needed, I decided that I was going to enjoy my summer and try not to be crying and feeling sorry for my self.

I met a 51 year old IT consultant after a month there who has been divorced for 7 years. (I am 56) I did not want to jump from the frying pan into the flame and really felt I needed to heal from one relationship before starting another. He said he that it was very difficult for him when he divorced and that all he wanted was to make me feel beautiful, fill me with good energy and make me feel loved. So I had a romantic summer with not strings. I told him i do not sleep with men and many other women might. So he accepted me on my terms (of course at times I had to remind him) He took me to beautiful parks and we had dinner on the harbor and met at nice coffee shops. He said all we have is the present so lets just enjoy each others company and be happy. He took me to mass on Sunday which is important to me. and it was wonderful.

When I was ready to leave he even got teary eyed. He called when I came back to the US and wanted to see how we could make this work. Cultural and language barriers would really cause a problem with him finding a job here especially in such economic times. So we are friends via email. None of my values were compromised and I feel good about my adventure.

Now a friend from my city is coming over tomorrow and he just got out of a relationship. We are going to share spiritual books and try to feel good about our situations and help one another.

What happens when there is a midlife crisis. Will the ex husband ever realize that is what it was. Do you feel that it was a midlife crisis. My daughter has an illusion that he will see what has happened and then come around. She cannot fantom that I even have other friends. What do you think


10/05/2012 04:41 PM
gregil
 
Posts: 6
New Member

I have been to hell and back these last couple of months! A friend came to me tonight and told me that my husband was having an affair (I never thought that he will ever consider it!) I can't explain the pain and loss I'm feeling right now! How could this ever happen to me; I never denied him at any time? I confronted him and he denies everything! He told me to give him his space until the end of this weekend and then he will share the good news with me! He had been staying on his own for 2 months and I don't know what happened in that time. He went away for the weekend without telling me, and tonight I was told that he is cheating on me with a very young girl! What am I supposed to do in the meantime? Is he starting to come around or is he just trying to get me off his case? I am really worried; I won't be able to handle the truth if it's bad news!

10/05/2012 09:25 PM
toughtimes
Posts: 56
Member

I am so sorry to hear this...the pain and loss you feel is something that cannot be described. The hurt, humiliation and betrayal is overwhelming.

The person in mid-life crisis is not the same husband you are used to dealing with.

Anything that they do or say does not make sense and I have found that it is best to assume that everything they pretty much tell you is a lie.

I cannot tell you if he is "coming around" every case seems to be different. It seems that they to have to "bottom out" somehow before there can be some kind of turnaround.


10/06/2012 07:04 AM
toughtimes
Posts: 56
Member

Reply to Dguti20:

Yes, you husband sounds like he was in mid-life crisis.

You have more than had a reasonable time to come to terms with what has gone on in your life and in your marriage.

I personally think that seeing this new "friend" that is coming out of a marriage is questionable. In not knowing his circumstance..I always assume there is another spouse at the other end and a family that cannot seem to reach this person at this time.

Be aware that the first person who becomes "friends" with the person who just left their family often become their "rebound" relationship.

I would not want to be the "block" that prevents a chance of a family working out a situation.

In regards to your daughter..I personally feel that communication is the key. A child or an adult child has to be ready for you to "move on" and this starts with an open dialogue of what you have been through, and where you are emotionally right now (wanting another relationship). Honesty is always the best policy and the child (children) do not need another disrespecful parent hurting them. (the midlifer has already done that)

Post edited by: toughtimes, at: 10/07/2012 07:37 AM


10/06/2012 07:17 AM
gregil
 
Posts: 6
New Member

How should I respond if my husband tells me that he is having an affair with this young girl when he returns from his mysterious weekend? Do I forgive, do I take him back and how will I ever be able to trust him again? How do I prevent myself from telling my children that their father cannot be trusted? I won't be able to handle this situation appropriately, please give me some advice!

10/06/2012 08:53 AM
toughtimes
Posts: 56
Member

I am pretty sure that it is going to be a really emotional encounter.

You cannot sometimes control what happens and what gets said...it just happens.

Perhaps your children could go to a relatives or a good friend for when your husband comes by. (that will alleviate some of the stress for you of worrying about what they are hearing)

Try not to beat yourself up about it...there is really no appropriate way to handle anything like this.

At this time you are not going to be able to predict what he is going to say. Listen and try to stay objective (if he is in crisis - there will be lies)

The state of everyone's marriage is different. If you think that there is enough to try to work through the issues that that is the path to take. There are alot of people out there that know that they married the wrong person really early in the relationship(they settled, or they wanted kids, or everyone else was getting married etc) and life sometimes has a way of finding a way of unravelling something that was not meant to be.

People do work through upnheaval in their marriages if they both WANT to and think there is enough there to tunnel through.


10/06/2012 09:01 AM
gregil
 
Posts: 6
New Member

Thank you so much; this is really good advice (especially taking the children somewhere else where they won't be hearing anything! In the meantime I'm staying on my knees; and I know I will be able to get the strength to look forward and stay strong for my kids. I am so greatful for all the wonderful support from this group; thank you very much!

10/06/2012 08:24 PM
dguti20
Posts: 2
New Member

Thank you for your response. I appreciate your honesty. I normally would not be so quick to be on a rebound. But because I have been in limbo for at least the last 4 years of the 30 (which I have to say only 4 years were the type of relationship I would have ever wanted) I feel I dont want to waste anymore time just being the loyal wife when I am not sure what he has been doing. I do know there has been at least emotional infidelty which he had me feeling that I was just being unreasonable.

The good thing, I had tea with the friend today, and he was just what i needed. He said that he thinks it can be stressful when you are leaving a relationship to start another and he too is trying to see how he can make himself happy. So he said he would like to go hiking and just be there if I need to talk to someone.

I am all for the support without any strings attached. So I can just have a friend and we can converse about these inspirational books.

And about openness. I am so one to be very open. Was almost accused of being too open of a book. So this secrecy things is strange for me. But I think that God never intended us to be depressed and in such a bad place. These two friends have been a blessing. No sex. They accept my standards and like me for who I am.

Please give any other input. It is well taken.

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