Mental Illness in the Family Support Group

So...he (my bipolar ex-fiance) said he wants to come home and claims that he will take his meds. But....after that discussion he freaked out cause i looked at his camera and there was a picture of him kissing "the birthday girl" at a party. He stormed out saying now hes not sure if he wants to come back. I think he is just punishing me for looking through his stuff and i expect when he comes over tomarrow he'll be back to he wants to come back. Was I out of line? He's been moved out for a couple weeks now. I dont know what hes been doing with who and doubt he would tell me the truth about any of it.

Post edited by: tiredtammy, at: 11/26/2010 09:24 PM

tiredtammy, I have many thoughts about this. So I apologize in advance if I go on too long!

It is totally up to you what you do. We don't know the full situation. Only you do. But I would say, first: let him start taking his meds and be consistent with them for a while. A promise to take meds is not taking meds, if you get what I am saying. I think it is really really common for newly diagnosed mentally ill people to not want to take meds. Who wants to be on meds for a lifetime? And many of these meds are serious, with potential side effects. And admitting their brain is off is hard too. So let him get on the meds for a while before you commit to being in a relationship with him, is my opinion. And second, I think it is really really important for him to admit to, and apologize for, his behavior while untreated. I cannot stress this enough. At first, I was okay with my husband's "I was not responsible because I was psychotic" statement because I was just happy he finally acknowledged he had been psychotic! But whether he was in control or not is not the issue. The issue is what he did to his loved ones. Their pain. And if you don't get apologies for that, you will get backsliding about his need for meds, his need for therapy, and his diagnosis itself. That was my experience. I think one of the things that sustains me through the ups and downs (which are infrequent now) is my husband's acknowledgment that being married to him can be tough, and his admission, every now and then, of "I can be such an asshole!" (Now, I think it is important to apologize when WE are tough to live with too. It is only fair, and it makes our loved ones feel less "singled out" in our relationships.) But if they can just be "well, I was manic then" or "not in my right mind"--they never have to acknowledge what their untreated mental illness did to their families.

So this brings me to...the kiss. You have every right to ask him what he has been doing while he was moved out. I might not ask right away, but if you suspect he was spending too much money, flirting (or worse), doing any thing that might come back to haunt him (like mine did--leaving a message on a city official's phone that could be seen as threatening), you need to know about that. I think maybe instead of going through his stuff, you can say "Hon, I don't know what you have been up to while you were gone. What have you been doing? Who have you spent time with?" But since you already saw the photo, I think I would apologize for going through his stuff, but explain that you are suspicious of where he has been and what he has been doing (I suspect you have heard some things about him while he was gone? Or something happened to make you want to look at his photos...) and if the two of you are going to move forward, you two will have to talk about these weeks he moved out.

Above all: take it SLOW. No need to rush anything. Accept deeds, not words. It is okay to feel optimistic, but be cautious.

Post edited by: marriedtoit, at: 11/26/2010 09:59 PM

very good advice, married. Take it slow, don't rush, only believe what you see, not what you hear. Don't invite trouble back into your house. You can't expect perfection of course, but taking meds, seeing the dr. regularly, and behaving in a stable manner is basic, in my opinion.

I have a tendency to snoop around my husband's stuff, too, check out his phone, etc. But I try to do it so he doesn't know it. It's important to me to know the truth because I have found that he has never been totally honest with me, withholds the truth alot. I know it's not a good practice to snoop, but I tell him he can check out my phone, etc. anytime. I have nothing to hide. He has to reassure you that he is trustworthy and that takes work and willingness. Just because he says he can be trusted, doesn't mean he should be, yet, anyway. Without willingness to do what he needs to do in order to come back to you, I personally wouldn't let him come back. That's just my personal policy with my husband, though. Married's right, we don't know your situation totally. You should do what feels right to you. But you have to set your personal boundaries and if he crosses a line with you, stick to your guns and don't draw new lines in the sand everytime. I've been doing that for years and it's gotten us nowhere except two steps (or more) back everytime.

Thanks everyone! Im still contemplating my future with him. Hes been staying here but has not moved back in. He's still pretty manic but I can see he is trying to control himself. I am concerned as married said, about the apology. He doesnt seem to think he treated me poorly. His fall back statement is that "he is his own person and he had to go because that is how he felt at the time." and that "he cant be held responsible for other peoples feelings".

I have to admit, he never physicaly or verbaly abused me. He never was mean to me. What hurt, was him leaving, and me being so confused about why he had left. Things were good with us, and I was just so mad that he couldnt be happy with "stability". I was lonely, worried, and missed him terribly.

So...about the apology. Do I deserve one? Not sure how to explain to him why he should apologize. Hes very stubborn. Any ideas?

It might take some time and being on the right meds for awhile before he says he is sorry. We can't make them say they are sorry, and if we did, it wouldn't be from the heart, it would be because we expected or demanded it.

The problem is they really do believe some of the things they did and do are justified in their minds, and they are not wrong for doing them. Saying they are who they are is so common and they truly believe that we should accept them the way they are. Well thats ok if they are on the right meds, then we can accept them for who they are, but when they aren't on the right meds, we usually don't like them when they are manic.

I am really glad he is staying with you and trying to control himself, that helps alot, just give him time.

Hopeful