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06/08/2009 08:17 AM

setting boundaries

sasshley

since being diagnosed with bp, i have done a lot reading. one thing i am pretty sure of is that my mother is most likely undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. i've been reading this book --surviving a borderline parent-- and it has helped me a great deal. i have slowly been setting boundaries with my mom because she is so controlling and everything has to be her way. and if you disagree with her about anything, she gets pissed off and then there is an argument. but then the next day, she can have a totally different opinion about the same topic and you are just expected to go along with it.

i set a boundary this weekend. it was tough. she really showed her ass and i stayed calm and rational. she was so out of control, she was jumping from one subject to the next and was not making any sense whatsoever. she hung up on me twice. i got an email from her this morning basically saying not to plan on staying at her house this weekend when i go to jacksonville to pick up my son. (he is visiting her and my dad for a week). so basically, she is "cutting me off." this has happened twice before.

i am quite proud of myself for remaining calm and rational and not engaging in her shouting match. but now of course, i am second guessing myself.

did i do the right thing?

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06/08/2009 09:48 AM
Lexie36
Lexie36  
Posts: 32
Member

You did the right thing...I know personally how hard setting boundaries can be! It has taken me years to get there with my own mother. But it's really the only way to not let their illness destroy our lives! Remaining calm, rational and refusing to put up with their disrespect when they are out of control is the only way to deal...trying to reason with them is pointless. My mother NEVER thinks she is wrong and when you try to tell her she is she LOSES IT...she ignores you til you either give in and agree with her or she needs something from you!

I have read that BP and BPD can be very similar. Has your mother ever been diagnosed with anything else?!


06/08/2009 10:05 AM
sasshley

yeah. this has happened twice before. the first time she quit talking to me for 2 years until i got engaged to get married. even then everytime i went over to her house she talked about how i treated her like shit. then we had another argument and she quit talking to me until i got pregnant with my oldest son. so, who knows how long this will last. my mother, as far as i know, has never had an official diagnosis. my therapist suspects she probably has bpd. i can't say for sure if there is anything else going on there. i think i probably have bpd tendencies just because of the way i was raised. at least i have become aware of it and i am making adjustments accordingly. it's hard though when you just want to have a normal relationship with your mom.

06/08/2009 10:31 AM
Lexie36
Lexie36  
Posts: 32
Member

I envy the relationships I see other people have with their mother's...I have never known that and I probably never will. But I am working at being OK with it...I can't change the past or change my mother. Despite all the shit she has put me through I love her unconditionally, which is something she never has felt for me.

What has helped you with the BP?!...nothing has ever worked for my mother.


06/08/2009 10:35 AM
sasshley

for bipolar, i just needed to get the right meds. and now i have a really great therapist, which helps me deal with everything else. i am really learning some coping strategies.

one thing i have learned is i cannot change her. i can only change me. and i control what i can accept and what i will not accept. her behavior is one of those things i will not accept at this time.


06/08/2009 10:57 AM
Lexie36
Lexie36  
Posts: 32
Member

It's so great that you have been able to find the right med's and therapist!! I hope and pray my mother that one day my mother can too. She doesn't seem to improve with any med's she tries...and she never stays with a therapist very long. It seems like as soon as they say anything my mom doesn't want to hear she makes excuses and stops going. My mother wants to get better but she doesn't want to put in the hard work it takes to really get better. She wants the quick fix and usually just ends up self medicating.

06/08/2009 12:14 PM
sasshley

i made up my mind that i wanted to be stable and i would do whatever it took to ensure my kids could depend on me. and i was tired of feeling so bad about myself. so i'm committed to my therapy. it's hard, but worth it.

06/09/2009 05:14 AM
Snoopers2009
Snoopers2009  
Posts: 1079
Member

I wish I had some sage advice about this, Ashley, but I really don't. I have a good relationship with my mother but don't speak to my father so I feel like I'm getting a failing grade at 50% with my own parents.

I AM proud of you for setting boundaries, though. I know it must be extremely difficult in a relationship that has been the same way for your whole life... and she's probably always been the way she is; change is nearly impossible for some people.

I hope this doesn't end in her not speaking to you for such an extended period of time this go'round. I guess I have one tiny piece of advice and that is to treat her kindly but within your boundaries and hope that she'll see that you're not trying to attack her.

I feel so bad that you're having to go through this... I wouldn't know what to do if I ever got in an extended fight with my mother. These are such complicated relationships.


06/09/2009 05:36 AM
sasshley

well, i do think it will result in her not speaking to me for an extended period of time. which is unfortunate. all i want to do is to be able to talk this out without her feeling like i am attacking her so we can move past it and try to have a normal relationship. she is so defensive i don't think we will ever be able to do that.

06/09/2009 07:23 AM
Lexie36
Lexie36  
Posts: 32
Member

My mother will do the same thing to me and it hurts that we cannot have a better relationship, but sometimes I am just thankful for the "break"...it hurts when she stops speaking to me, but it hurts even worse when she is verbally and emotionally abusive.
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