MDJunction - People Helping People
 
Ask a Question
10/19/2010 06:25 PM

Married to pot addict for 21 years...

tigerlily66
Posts: 44
Member

My story sounds similar to many others on this forum. I frequently reach these points where I feel "crazy" and need somewhere to talk and relate to others going through the same things. I've been married for 21 years; my husband smoked pot, did alot of different drugs since he was 12, thanks to his oldest brother. He continued these, especially the marijuana when we were in college. When we became engaged 5 years after we met, I HONESTLY thought he had given it all up. I found out a year after we were married that he was back into the pot, and didn't want to give it up. I was DEVASTED! I became the classic codependent control freak (still am to some degree). We had 2 daughters, both times I thought he'd quit. He's had numerous jobs, losing a couple because of the drug...but yet I still denied, he justified, etc. I left once when the kids were little, and he agreed to go to counseling...he lied to the counselor that he quit... He's 44 years old!! It still drives me insane, it feels like we can't work on any problems in our marriage until this one is gone....maybe I'm wrong. Sometimes, I feel like I'm just biding my time until our youngest is out of high school, then I can leave...He even became a minister and pastored a church for 3 years while using. Talk about going crazy! I felt like such a hypocrite supporting him, knowing his "secret". He's such a dreamer, "writing a novel that's going to hit it big". He does work full time at a hotel now, never misses work, but works the night shift so he doesn't have to interact with people much. I have felt for awhile that he's bipolar or has some kind of personality disorder, but not sure which came first, if he's "self-medicating" or if the drug caused it?

Thanks for letting me vent this LONG post, it feels great!!

Reply

10/21/2010 11:16 AM
mommyofsixFriend2U
mommyofsixFriend2U  
Posts: 984
Senior Member
I'm an Advocate

WOW!!! For a minute I thought you were me!!!W00t Your story sounds so similar to mine it's crazy. I started dating my boyfriend 7 years ago. He promised he'd stop smoking pot if I had children with him. I held up my end of the bargain and got pregnant.....he didn't stop smoking pot....I found out and I left him for awhile. He promised me he had quit....I got pregnant again.....just found out that he has been hiding it from me all this time. He also works in a hotel...NO DRUG TESTS!!!Angry He is very good at hiding it. I can't tell if he's high or not. I think my boyfriend has ADHD and OCD. I don't know which came first either....but there is other ways of dealing with these disorders without smoking pot!!!!I feel so trapped because we have 2 children together and 7 total children. I have a lot of health issues from having a rare pregnancy complication with out last child. He knows that I'm stuck!!!!

I guess we have to decide if they are worth staying with as pot smokers because I don't think mine will ever stop and it doesn't sound as if your husband wants to either.

I'd love to chat with you sometime. Take care of yourself no matter what he does!!!! Chris


10/21/2010 06:41 PM
tigerlily66
Posts: 44
Member

Hi Chris!

I'd love to chat! Life gets very frustrating...I feel like I am "stuck" in a way, at least for 3 more years until my youngest graduates. It's very annoying when he sleeps through her sports functions, etc. I feel like a single mom anyway. I know, why don't they drug test at a hotel??

I have heard every excuse, rational, reasoning, etc from him. If I bring it up, which I rarely do anymore, he starts telling me how I think I'm perfect, etc. He knows I HATE it. I am realizing how much of a sickness it is, how addicted he is. Looking back, I should have left LONG ago, before we are sinking in debt, emotionally distant, and I feel bad for my kids how many of their functions he has missed.

He and I still love each other, and get along great when we go away for a weekend or something, but everyday life is not fun. He talks alot about conspiracies and gets delusional at times....is your husband like that at all? That has worsened over the years. I know I can support myself, I've always made way more money than him. I do NOT believe in divorce, etc. but living alone sounds so peaceful..

Write back soon!!


10/22/2010 11:46 AM
mommyofsixFriend2U
mommyofsixFriend2U  
Posts: 984
Senior Member
I'm an Advocate

Hi Tigerlily, I have heard the excuses too. He thinks pot should be legalized. He says that I'm more of a drug addict because I take prescription medications. I keep telling him that mine are legal but I don't get anywhere in our discussions.

We were shopping the other day and he went to park the van after he dropped us off at the door. He had to smoke some before he came in. I could smell it on him. It hurt so bad that he couldn't even spend a few hours with me and the kids without getting high. Our kids are 5 and 6 but I have 4 from another relationship. They are 11,19,21,and 22. I know he gets high at work. If they ever find out he'd get fired and how would he get another job with that in his resume?????Dizzy I make more than he does too. I've been on disability for many years. My problem is taking care of the kids and the house. I'm physically not able to do the house work all the time. This sucks.....

I love my boyfriend too, but sometimes I can't stand him! My boyfriend has problems with memory. He will forget the keys in the store or the groceries in the cart after they are paid for. He hasn't been delusional that I seen. That's scary. I hope he gets better!

I just don't know what to do. Should I stay or go? I just don't know if it is worth staying. I don't want my kids thinking that smoking pot is okay.

Hope you are having a great day. Talk to you soon, Chris


10/23/2010 06:08 AM
tigerlily66
Posts: 44
Member

It's very hard to know what to do. You're not married, so I guess it's a little easier to leave maybe? I don't know. He's still the father of your children!! I made the decision several times to stay. My kids are 15 and 18 now, and are very well-adjusted and happy. I worry some about our oldest, she seems to have the same personality type as my husband, very intense and creative, tends to get very depressed or moody at times. She's in her first year of college, but commutes and lives at home, but I rarely see her. I pray that she's not getting into drugs. I know she started smoking cigarettes, but she hides it from me (sound familiar?) My youngest daughter plays 3 sports, and is very happy go lucky. I love my husband and know I always will, but I really need to take care of my own emotional life, and quit letting him drive me crazy! I'm thinking about going to a Nar-anon group for the first time...

My husband has seemed to get more delusional over the years, it's probably part of the paranoia. He's been smoking pot since he was 11, and he's 44 now! So, I know when I take it all personally, I shouldn't, because it's part of his life and his only coping mechanism he learned. He tells me I won't like him without it, and maybe he's right. But that's when rehab/counseling would step in, to teach him other ways to cope.

Good luck to you, it helps to chat on here, I think!


10/23/2010 06:08 AM
tigerlily66
Posts: 44
Member

It's very hard to know what to do. You're not married, so I guess it's a little easier to leave maybe? I don't know. He's still the father of your children!! I made the decision several times to stay. My kids are 15 and 18 now, and are very well-adjusted and happy. I worry some about our oldest, she seems to have the same personality type as my husband, very intense and creative, tends to get very depressed or moody at times. She's in her first year of college, but commutes and lives at home, but I rarely see her. I pray that she's not getting into drugs. I know she started smoking cigarettes, but she hides it from me (sound familiar?) My youngest daughter plays 3 sports, and is very happy go lucky. I love my husband and know I always will, but I really need to take care of my own emotional life, and quit letting him drive me crazy! I'm thinking about going to a Nar-anon group for the first time...

My husband has seemed to get more delusional over the years, it's probably part of the paranoia. He's been smoking pot since he was 11, and he's 44 now! So, I know when I take it all personally, I shouldn't, because it's part of his life and his only coping mechanism he learned. He tells me I won't like him without it, and maybe he's right. But that's when rehab/counseling would step in, to teach him other ways to cope.

Good luck to you, it helps to chat on here, I think!


10/26/2010 10:58 AM
mommyofsixFriend2U
mommyofsixFriend2U  
Posts: 984
Senior Member
I'm an Advocate

Sorry it took me so long to reply. There is a part of me that wants to leave and the other part wants to make it work. I love him and don't want to break up our family....He's a good man other than the smoking pot. We have been through so much together with 2 high risk pregnancies and almost losing both kids and myself. He also took care of me through my 10 surgeries I've had in the last 5 years.

I have a son that is 22 and is drinking a lot. I'm pretty sure he's done drugs. I hope that he isn't now. I don't want them to think that I am okay with pot smoking because they know that my boyfriend does.

I'm going to start the nar-anon meetings. I've gone to the adult children of alcoholics groups before and they were helpful.

I think chatting here helps so much. I have met so many wonderful people. They seem to care more than my family does.

I hope that you are having a wonderful day,Chris


10/28/2010 05:17 PM
Spiderwoman
Spiderwoman  
Posts: 813
Member

Hello ladies...just wanted to give you my two cents.

I smoked pot off and on since I was 15; I'm 38 now. I currently am not smoking pot; it's been since June of this year. Before last year, I quit smoking it for about a year and a half. At that time, I was married to my second husband. He never had a problem with me smoking pot. Neither did my first husband. It was never a problem. With my second husband...when he first moved out here to be with me, we hung out with my circle of friends which basically consisted of potheads and alcoholics. We partied with them for months. Finally, on my ex-husband's birthday I got very drunk and high. My ex-husband told me that he didn't like to see me like that. We both decided to quit smoking and drinking together, and we did for a year and a half. We had to stop hanging out with all of our friends to help us remain sober. The point I'm making is that all my ex-husband had to do was tell me once that he didn't like me drinking like that; he told me just once and I quit right away for me and for him. Even after I left him last year, I remained sober for a few months after we broke up. Then I went to Vegas and started doing everything again last April of 2009.

It seems to me that both of your husband/boyfriend aren't going to quit any time soon. They have to WANT to and be determined to really do it. I know that you both love them but I hate to tell you that they're most likely not going to change. They will do it only if they are ready to give up their addiction. They need to do it only when they're ready. They don't sound ready to me. By staying with these men, you are enabling them to keep using. I know that one of you does not believe in divorce and I respect that. Bottom line here is that I don't think either of them are going to change any time soon and if you stay with them you're just going to have to deal with the pot use.

You can help yourself by attending meetings if you think that's gonna help. I'm sure it would be a great support system to have. Lean on friends and family as much as you can. And as I said, in the meantime, you are just going to have to deal with their pot use if you are going to stay with them...


10/29/2010 08:27 PM
tigerlily66
Posts: 44
Member

Thank you for your honesty and input. I guess I like to deny and think that "if he loved me and his daughters enough, he'd just quit!" I know it's not that easy. Even though he has said "I can quit anytime"...but hasn't. I know I've enabled him for so long, and I don't know any other way to be. Because I've chosen to stay with him, I know something HAS to change, and it doesn't look like it will be him. That's why I think meetings might help...they may lead me to realize I should be without him if I can't deal with it. Right now, I just spend my time with him feeling mad at him. It doesn't affect me at work or with other people, just when I'm around him. And of course, money issues always seem to crop up. He makes 1/3 the money I do, which is fine, but we need almost his whole paycheck to pay bills; today he was behind on some payment, and could only give me 1/2 of the usual money. So, now we'll have to play catch up again, just when I thought we were getting ahead. He uses credit cards without my knowledge, after we've vowed to stop using them. The cycle repeats itself over and over, and I keep letting it! I drive myself crazy! Addiction is a crazy life...it's not what I signed up for....

11/01/2010 07:08 AM
Sotma3
Posts: 94
Member

There are a lot of people on this site that have done the exact same thing.....we are enablers. I have been an enabler for 20 years. A husband with 0 income, me paying all the bills and paying for his addiction.

A man with a college education, came from a good family, wears suits and fakes people out that he's this successful businessman. Instead he was home smokin up all of my hard earned money.

With me it was I finally came to my end of the road. I couldn't take "being mad" at him all the time. I threatend with divorce and counseling. After a lot of frustration, yelling, fighting, tears, it did work. (Although I don't trust him and probably never will)

Keep your chin up. You'll know in your gut what the right thing to do is. Al-Anon meetings really helped me. I just substituted pot for alchohol.

Good luck

Reply

Share this discussion with your friends:
<< Start < Prev 1 Next > End >>


Disclaimer: The information provided in MDJunction is not a replacement for medical diagnosis, treatment, or professional medical advice.
In case of EMERGENCY call 911 or 1.800.273.TALK (8255) to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Read more.
Contact Us | About Us
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 MDJunction.com All Rights Reserved