Marijuana Addiction Support Group

so i smoked again(said that like 10 times on here the last 6 months!)this time, i smoked for a couple weeks straight. its sucked. i wrote a post a few days ago but it got deleted while i was typing... anyways... i was aware of every thing happening to me, the process of getting into physically addicted and mentally able to function while stoned. it was fascinating and disturbing at the same time. now i know i dont wnat to smoke again. ever. even if i have a serious illness and in pain all the time. i felt as though i became a product of the THC. id started with smoking every few hours(which was as often as i could without passing out) after a week feeling super tired and wanting to sleep on it went away and i had to smoke every 30 mins to an hour before i started to sweat and get nausea. in the beginning i also could sleep better, turned into a nightmare trying to sleep. i phsycially was getting numb and mentally(to the present only not the past). but my skin was itching after the 30 mins. my mind raced. horrible memories, they were SOOOO vivid. i have ptsd with a few things and boy smoking makes it worse. i thought everyone was mad at me all the time. i was so nauseous from smoking so much that eating was hard even while stoned.

there is more of coarse and id outlined it better before. bit more lazy now. but just i knew all this before, that weed to this. but before it was over such a slow time i was able to rationalize one thing after another. but this time. no. it was just so obvious to me how badly i was hurting my body and mind. my "vacation" tuened into a trip to hell basically. i was trapped body and mind. i still worried about my next bag. UNTIL i spent the rest of the random money drop in, on games.

this all started from family crap, got a check, didnt want to smoke but didnt want to be in reality for a bit. i wanted to fast forward time...

even though so upset, i smoked and the resin and roaches, even though theyd gotten dirty. even though the resin had metal chips in it. id done this all the time in the past but not the last several months. just going thc is there. i felt hard wired, like i was meant to smoke. HABIT

i havnt craved since ive had nothing left though. i feel physically like crap still BUT mentally. i feel something has been lifted from me. i started writing again maybe that has to do with it. but i surrendered to my stubbornness this week. and accepted my mental difficulties. i actually feel i did. finally... i almost want to cry im so happy with this. my world has changed. and i am so excited for the future. im not scared anymore.

just thought id share..

hope all of you are well!!

Post edited by: zaylia, at: 05/03/2012 12:07 PM

and i know ive had "break thorughs" like this before and said no this is different. well THIS TIME IT IS accepting things, like really feeling just fine with them. just so amazing. and just allowing the humility of im doing this and that wrong, i need to listen more. id really though even before weed in the picture id done these things at certain times in my life. but ya this is it. writing my thoughts and theories, if i continue to do that, and continue to listen REALLY listen to people and not just take things into consideration or try things breifly, but really absorb it. i know im rambling...

well wasnt just accpeting myself but all the pain in the world. i used to feel like a fool to not be upset and think abou it all. that needs attention people need to care. but to a point. i went too far and it clouded my mind and judgement. owell i still will get upset with things in the world, but im not going to let them impact my life. ill always be sensitive, i accept that too. this morning an article i read had my heart pounding, i was shaking more than i think i have in years, crying just sooo upset. really disturbing worst news like actually most shocking and disturbing thing ive ever heard in my entire life. and i got through it within a half hour. normally that would have made me grumpy possibly for days, weeks or months, and get me to smoke pot or take my thc pill. and yes ive decide to stop taking it also. it is thc and has similarities. period end of story no excuses

ive thought about how maybe this has all been easier because i have thc in me more than the last while. probaly true. BUT im using it as stepping stool. the breakthroughs i have in my writing and perception wont disapear once im "normal" feeling again. its easier now to keep things ive learned on my mind without getting distracted or stubborn. so as long as i do it like studying for a test, and be repetitive with my thoughts and with what i write even, it wil stick.

well this is long.. i dont expect anyone to read all of it. but i figured i should post all these thoughts in here instead of on microsoft spreradsheet

Post edited by: zaylia, at: 05/03/2012 12:38 PM

been coughing up black stuff again. im more disgusted than i ever have. ive seen resin in a pipe. thats in my lungs... scary. people are saying it might help with cancer. i dont understnd that. maybe because the person was less stressed and more hopeful because that makes a big difference with cancer. ridiculous how much is in there that i wont cough up. so freaky to think about. im so done with this

Your headed in the right direction Zaylia and I think the best thing you can do right now is to get rid of any and all paraphernalia if you haven't already. I understand for some it may be difficult, there may even be some sentimental value attached with it but keeping it around is merely an investment in your relapse and it's not having faith in yourself, it's basically saying that you will need them again and you end up just prolonging your use as opposed to actually quitting. I've heard many people try to justify keeping it, i.e. it's a tool to help me be creative, to help me relax but the real question you have to ask yourself is do you actually need THC do be either of those things or are you so dependent on it that your afraid of the withdrawal? I'm speaking generically of course, but in the first week or so the urges will be so strong it's best not to have any reminders or temptations or at least try to limit them anyways. In the long run though you do just have to generally change your mindset and how you think about THC because let's face it there probably will be a situation where you'll be around it or be offered it, or even be tempted into smoking somewhere down the line. I've had previous attempts where I basically just avoided picking up, and avoided all friends that do it but I hadn't actually changed my mindset I was saying to myself that I don't know what's going to happen when I'm offered and that I can't be certain that I never will smoke again, well basically I avoided it for a few weeks then I relapsed the first offer I got when I finally was forced to be around it. Now I'm 44 days sober and this time it is different, it's different because I'm sober from alcohol as well, it's different because I've had offers and turned them down, it's different because I have to smell it pretty much every day on certain floors of my building and I'm able to resist. I'm able to associate the smell with all the negative misery my addiction brought in my life, the isolation it created, how much I mistreated others, how it was effecting school, how if I couldn't find anyone to smoke with I'd do it by myself and lie to everyone about it, how it left a big huge hole in my wallet, how my dealer got robbed once and I almost helped him beat the shit out of the guys he suspected even though he told me there might be knives involved but luckily they weren't home. Becoming a functional addict is exactly what you said it's fascinating but it's also extremely sad and negative, when I was 19 and I was at my 2nd year at Durham I basically was a functional addict I'd go to class high all the time, I even wrote some exams high, I'd go grocery shopping high, when I got a part time job to help with school and well my habit I'd get up early enough so that I could get high before I had to go to work and have time to cover it and I was good at covering it I never once got caught. Last summer when I was renting out a basement apartment for about 6 months it took my landlords 5 months to figure out I had smoked down there and I doubt they realized just how frequently I did. However these are not good things at all, I'm just trying to illustrate how dependent one can become on their addiction and even if you function it's not a good thing I mean you still deteriorate your health, well being and just overall life. Try not to feel to bad we've all been there before, I can't count the numerous times I've scrounged for crumbs in usual smoke spots, looked for stems I might have dropped on the floor, smoked dirty roaches and it's not something I'm proud of but all the things I've said in this post are things of the past, I don't regret them because they were learning experiences they were part of my development and you know what yeah there obviously were some fun times I had while I was high but they are easily eclipsed by all the negativity that came accompanied it.

Anyways hang in there, try to stay positive, know that the anxiety and other side effects are normal, post any time, and also there was another article on THC treatment & withdrawal I posted while you were gone it's by the same guys so check it out if you haven't already.

Post edited by: MaxPower90, at: 05/04/2012 05:45 AM

Post edited by: MaxPower90, at: 05/04/2012 05:52 AM

Thanks for your support. I have actually tossed paraphernalia just made some to smoke more. This week physically has sucked but mentally I'm all good. I'm different with it I guess. The longer I'm away from weed that makes it harder. I rember clearly that 8 weeks of sobriety. The 7th and 8th I had the worst urge and cravings than the weeks before. The 7th to 10 th day i mnow are hard for me thiugh.I'm actually not a functional addict either I'm a lazy bugger haha. I'd just gottent to a point I could communicate with family just fine and just more like that functional but not I can actually do things. Mostly because I didn't care..

I have craved it but only when I taste weed in my mouth which isn't possible but ya.It's just like when you think you smell it but no not possible. Stupid sensory memories we have!

So I don't know if I am different but I would like to warn you max. When I was around that sobriety date like you I had changed my mindset and felt very similar to you. But once an addict always one. Shit happens. Things in my life got real hard and I caved. And I mean just one thin after another of no control. Not saying I think you will change but 44 days is still in early states of quitting( according to my psychiatrist) just don't want you to be surprised if it gets super hard again cause my addiction brain thinking and scheming to convince me etc came back. It wasn't gone just not being used. I think that's how it will always be for me. I'm sure not everyone else. Some people are cold turkey like people.. Anyways that is really strng to resist even though smellin it. I didn't have to smell it when sober.