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Lyme Community Lyme Disease Support Forums General & Support Need a LAUGH; read these & add to them! :)
 

Need a LAUGH; read these & add to them! :)


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06/22/2007 22:45
Bettyg
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On www.lymenet.org in general, LYMETOO/TUTU started a thread on laughter, and i’ve continued to add to it with cute, clean stories/jokes! NO VULGAR ONES! Since our board is down since equipment was struck by lightning until June 25, i’m bringing here those i’ve received since our board went down.

We’re all dealing with serious health problems, and laughter is the BEST MEDICINE; something we ALL CAN AFFORD! It’s something the IDSA (I get this screwed up each time due to my lyme mind! But you get the jest of what i’m saying right!!), infectious disease associated society mds, can’t take away from us!

So I hope you have some belly laughs and please ADD YOUR OWN HERE TOO! On our board, there are 100+ stories on there now.

Fishing!

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I would build

her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?' and she said, 'Remember to wear sun-block'".

**************************************************

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage grandaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

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06/23/2007 21:30
Bettyg
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 Mexican Electric Chair

Three women go to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning - though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throwt he switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw

the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna ectrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.

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06/23/2007 21:35
Bettyg
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 found another one i was wanting to put on here and overlooked earlier tonight!

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat:

I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache.

It worked! The headaches are all gone!"

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes grabs his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying: "She's not my wife." "She's not my wife." "She's not my wife!"

~~His funeral service will be held on Monday.~~

********************************************
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07/05/2007 14:22
Bettyg
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 [size=5][/size]MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.

Not quite what I had in mind!!
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07/07/2007 15:09
Bettyg
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 [size=5][/size]

A woman's car gets a flat tire on the motorway one day. So she eases it over onto the hard shoulder.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk and takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle

facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrived.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the owner of the vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.

"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

*********************************************

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her,

"Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds and Johnny's Mom wants to talk to you NOW!

Post edited by: Bettyg, at: 07/07/2007 17:13
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07/09/2007 11:36
Bettyg
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 [color=#000080][size=5][/size]

This is a detective story

So Pay Close Attention!!!

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of ____into the ball park.

The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely... mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.

Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?

Think! Think some more!

You're gonna love it

Answer:

It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!

**********************

A little boy tries to sell his dog, and a man comes by and tells him he could wash the dog and make it look nice and it'll be worth more.

The next time the man comes by, there's the boy with his dog, all washed, with a ribbon around its neck, and a sign: dog for sale -- $10,000. The man asks the boy if he really thinks he will be able to sell his dog for that price and the boy says yes, he will.

The man comes back. The boy is there, the dog is gone. The man asks the boy if he sold the dog. Yes. For $10,000? Yes. How did you do that, asks the man. Answer: I sold my dog for two $5,000 cats! [/color]

Post edited by: Bettyg, at: 07/09/2007 13:37
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07/09/2007 14:44
erleichda
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 A woman, calling a local hospital, said, "Hello, I’d like to talk to the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I’d like to find out if the patient is getting better, doing as expected or is getting worse."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patients name and room number?"

She said, "Sara Finkle, in room 302."

"I will connect you with the nursing station."

"3-a nursing station. How can I help you?"

"I would like to know the condition of Sara Finkle in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records.

Oh yes, Ms. Finkle is doing very well. In fact she's had two full meals,

Her blood pressure is fine and her blood work just came back as normal. She's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's fantastic. That's wonderful news!"

The nurse said,"From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Not exactly. I am Sarah Finkel in room 302.

Nobody here tells me anything!"
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07/09/2007 21:09
Bettyg
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 [b][size=5][/size]

Lori,

I've always enjoyed this one! Guess it's because that we lymies can relate only to well to this; we are Sara Finkle in the past or going thru this as I type this.

Hope we can change that for good in the future as WE EDUCATE our MDS that are not lyme literate!

I saw my PCP today for the last time about my right shoulder pain since my hip surgery. He RETIRED IN 8 DAYS; we've been together 28 years!! After we hugged goodbye since he doesn't want a retirement party with his patients in attendance, he went out the door saying,

"YOU were my FIRST LYME PATIENT! 90% of lyme info I learned from YOU; the other 10% I learned from the INTERNET!!"

I kidded him, he can't leave....I've just got him trained right after all this time; so does his RN! LOL

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07/21/2007 22:06
Bettyg
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 [b][size=5][/size]

25 year marriage

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white tv, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blond.

Now we have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a plasma screen tv, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white tv.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!

------------------

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.

See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom.

Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,

Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For

Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With

The Prophecy."

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat

with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera

13. Go To A Poetry Recital

And Ask Why

The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because

You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream

"I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called Therapy

********************

First time sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet,

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

If you DON'T forward this to at least 1 person you have a bad sense of humor !!!

*****************************

FUN IDEA!!!

How many shows can we come up with that we USED to watch that are no longer on TV? Add one and keep going.

This should be fun and jog our memories. No repeats on the shows please. Send to all your friends and back to me.

Louise...... ......... ..Little House on the prairie

Skoobysnaxx. .......Land of the Giants

Denise...... ......... ..Banana Splits

Kev-........ ......... ...Lost In Space

Zach-....... ......... ..Emergency

Kenny....... ......... ..Puff the Magic Dragon

Chris....... ......... ...Chip and Dale

Brenda ........... .... American Bandstand

Deb......... ......... ..Have Gun Will Travel

Sher/Snowdear. ..Bonanza

Jeanann..... ......... Carol Burnett Show

Dorothy..... ......... .Red Skelton Show

Manick ........... .. Lassie

Judd........ ......... ..Ed Sullivan Show

Nick ............ .......Car 54 where are you?

Rett........ ......... ..Abbott & Costello

Steve....... ......... Dragnet

Lace/Ladye ..... "Bewitched"

BlackGable.. ......The Millionaire

DJCookie2... ......Bachelor Father

BabyBear4u.. ....My Little Margie

Lite-Bright. .......Hullaball oo

VirgoMan55.. ....The Clay Cole Show

finickygril. ......... muppet show

Gary_57..... .......The RifleMan

Nurselil.... ......... .Ben Casey

Cheri....... ......... The Cheryl Ann

Lisa........ ......... .All In The Family

Lois........ ......... Dark Shadows

Joan........ ........Queen for a Day

Barbara..... ......Gene Autry

KAREN....... ......HOWDY DOODY SHOW

Nicole...... .......the smurfs

Brenda ............ Where The Action Is

Christy..... ........Hey Dude

Betty....... ....... What's my line?

Sandey...... .......Your Show Of Shows

Martin...... ........Buck Rogers

Diane ........... ...Roy Rogers

Donna....... .......Maw and Paw Kettle

Cindy- ........... . Melrose Place

Teresa-..... ......Chips

Wayne ………….. "WANTED" Dead or Alive

Bobbi....... ........Name That Tune

Mary Frances..... The Hit Parade

Dixie ........... ....The Rebel

Teddi....... ........Topper

Lisa........ ......... .Adam 12

Heidi....... ......... .H.R. Pufnstuff

Kathy ………….. That's Incredible!

Michele ……….. The Munsters

Rhonda...... ...... Courtship of Eddie's Father

Kathy ............ .. My Three Sons

Chuck....... ........ The Real McCoys

Chuck....... ........ The Match Game

Margarette…..... Gomer Pyle

Jude........ ......Marcus Welby M.D.

Mary K..........Green Acres

Beverly..... .....Phil Donahue Show

Jan......... .......Hunter

Pam ........... . This Is Your Life!

Gloria............ . Dallas

Peggy..... ....Pettycoat Junction

Betty....... ...I Love Lucy

Marilyn.......The Dick Van Dyke Show

Barbara..... ..Let's Make a Deal

Kathy....... ...Get Smart

Sheressa.... .. Candid Camera

Courtney.... Rawhide

Robert...... ...The Fugitive

Mo.......... .Wagon Train, very old western.

Debbe.....Leave It To Beaver

Sue .... I've Got A Secret

Marge ........In the Heat of the Night

Tommy....... .Palidin

Debbie...... ....Quincy

Brandi...... .. The Chronicles of Avonlea

JANELLE.... THE GREAT SPACE COASTER

D.............The Fall Guy

Mistie……….Beverly Hillibilly's

Jessica......Laverne and Shirley

Jennifer... . My Little Pony

Phyllis..... ..Maverick

Rosie....... Mickey Mouse Club

Linda........The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis

Rusty........Mr. Ed

Nancy........Hollywood Squares

Julie.....................The Big Valley

Judy.............Kung Fu

Betty .......Cheyenne

Jack ........Amos and Andy

Patricia............Gunsmoke
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07/22/2007 20:04
tailz
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 General Hospital's Luke and Laura!
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