My spouse had gotten very mean to me and verbally abusive over my medical bills.

He is very mad at me that my PICC line got infected gave me a blood clot and sent me into the hospital for four days.

He won't allow us to go to a Dr who won't take our insurance. I guess our health means nothing to him.

I mean it. How may fights does this disease have to have before saying enough is enough?

If he can't be supportive of me and my daughter who has this too then I'm thinking we need to leave!

My parents are foot the bills but hubby and MIL said that I was selfish for taking my parents money. MIL said I need to work more than part-time...even though she has NEVER worked in her life.

My parents don't want to see me in the hospital again and want me to see a new LLMD....one that doesn't take insurance is fine with them. They just want someone respected.

As to your husband---jeez, he does sound like a jerk. I admit my dh had a little freak-out (he stresses about money too) when I took a leave of absence from work but he straightened out, apologized profusely and has said we'll do whatever is necessary to get me well. Your husband is certainly not very empathetic. It's hard for anyone to understand what we go thru but still...and your MIL---she needs to mind her own business!!

I can't advise you what to do, no-one knows your relationship, really, but I worry about your daughter too. What about some (family) counseling? I told my dh we will go if need be. This disease has cost me enough, I won't let my marriage be a casualty.

Prayers and hugs.

Finances SUCK any way you look at them. J & I don't share a bank account or anything, but there would not be any begrudging of it if we did. It sucks to have to have your parents pay, though I am sure they are more than happy to do so.

Your health is more important than any money. If you aren't healthy, then you eventually won't be able to work even part time. If your husband loves money more than you, then it is time to rethink that relationship and the effect that it has on your life. Granted, the emotional trauma of a divorce/separation is always difficult, but when you are constantly using the time and energy you have fighting for treatment from your husband, rather than fighting for treatment from doctors, or to fight the disease, it may become more harmful than good.

The only other question that plays a part in this is to look at this from a neutral standpoint: How much of his anger is fear for you? How much of his anger is anger at the disease? How much of his control of your doctors is trying to control some part of an uncontrollable disease? How much is just his true colors? I can admit to taking my anger and fear out on J. It SUCKS to be the one providing support, with no real understanding of what the other one is going through. It's frightening to have to stand next to your love, and watch them go through a hell you can't help with. It sucks to have the conversation with them about the future of a relationship when their own personal future is still so uncertain.

(My 57 cents... )

The only way I saved my marriage was by agreeing to see a Psychologist, which I did, to help me cope with the chronic pain. I'm sure she thought, yea, whatever it takes to get him to someone so he will see that he has an anxiety disorder of some kind.

I didn't, of course.

But still, it was a close call, and there are still plenty of bumps in the current road I'm on...the one to recovery.

Trust me, I have no idea what right I have to give an marital advice or anything like that, but we are here to try and offer up some help to each other, so I'll tell you the little things that I do.

I know how hard it is to function some times, but if you can find the strength during one of the rough times to do something for the one who supports you - husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, any family or friend - you would be surprised how far that will go.

My wife works hard and stores all her tension in her neck and between her shoulders. When I see it getting to her, and I know I'm a permanent source of tension because of my illness, I reach out and rub her neck and shoulders. She likes to have her head scratched as well.

I will buy her a small box of chocolate from time to time, and let her know I appreciate all that she does for me and our family, since I am not as helpful as I would like to be.

Will things like this work for everybody? I don't think so, but not trying anything will only make things worse.

We know those who help take care of us, so look in to that and think of something, anything, you can do to say thanks. Sometimes that's all it takes to ride out the bumps in the road.

I feel terrible about how much worse it is for some than others, because this disease is known to ruin more than one relationship.

Hang in there, and good luck to all.

Tom

so to be very quick (unlike me I know)

DONT make rash decisions--its even harder to be on your own and ill, with children

but also dont let that fear stop you if indeed you feel after making a long pros and cons list that staying is worse than leaving

I made that jump 10 yrs ago--at that time I was in partial remission , had 3 well kids and left--the verbal and emotional abuse was too much to bear and he had a LOT of baggage--4 marriage councelors told me I was wasting my time!!!

anyway about 2 yrs after I left he moved to my new town to be closer to kids and we maintain to this day a separated marriage and often he is a hinderance rather a help

we have tried counseling ...again just to have a more cordial relationship but to qoute my "baby" now 18 and he himself very ill the past 4 yrs "Ma he aint never gionna change"

so I DO suggest you try couneling then I suggest something that helped me a little

go to www.lymenet.org and search for " spouse support" there is a post there from a husband who was abusive and unforgiving then made a turn around and he has advice for other men as they seem to be the more likely of spouses to not "get it"...after reading that MY almost ex turned a small leaf

and then print it out and ask he read it--then if you have the nerve send it to the in laws--the big problem you may have is this: did your husband commit to YOU or is he still attached to his original family

MY biggest challenge still is and always will Im afraid--is that MINE never left his loyalty to his original family behind--we ( me and his 3 kids) are baggage that comes last

maybe a counselor can help YOURS see that YOU and HIS KIDS come before all else--even his oparents, and help him deal with all the issues of chronic illness and being a caregiver and all the stuff vetnurse listed!!!

good luck and vent HERE first and NEVER put antyhing in writing to the inlaws that may come back to bite you!!!!and get a good network to rely on of your parent/family, friends etc--youd be surprised how many disappear after a hsort while

even my own sis claims ive been ill "too long" for her to help and IF I wanted to Id be better by now so I dont deserve any compassion or empathy ( never wanted sympathy, so that not matter to me)

sooo after I moved to be 15 min away from sis and leaving my friends behind--Im here 10 yrs with few friedns ( many have come and quickly gone--several feared contagion!!) and little family help--ageing parents on occassion thats it--and an almost ex who WILL help now a bit but with a LOT of cost to me ( comments and actions not exactly supportive)

so as I said make the decsison to leave very carefully

and IF you stay try to build a wall so you dont get slammed--a place in the home he knows is off limits for you to escape--people on your side to talk to, etc etc --build a way for you and your kids to survive with -or without him- best as you can!!

good luck and if you need an ear--email me!!

Finette

F

He is gone at his sisters house until Monday. It's nice just having me and my DD here without all that negative energy! We are having fun...just the two of us.

I'm hoping he comes home with a better outlook. Basically, he just can't take the stress. I understand it's hard for him and I'm always telling him it will be okay. I have always been the strong one and now he needs to man up!

Fin...can't believe people fear contagious? I thought that is how my friends would be but so far no one is scared of us...but I live in Texas and after moving here from Chicago I must admit people here are so friendly and warm. Wanna move south? LOL!!!

I guess it's hard on all of us....

Thanks everyone for your advice!

set ground rules--all guys, no topless bars--whatever YOU feel the line should be

maybe if he knows he can look forward to a break he can bear up in between???

just a thought

I have family in Texas and as much as that sounds nice and Id be closer to Samantha at ASU/AZ I am NOT amused at the antiLyme attitudes there one bit and I am so tired of the fight--politically---you guys are where we in NJ were like 8-10 yrs ago--NOT a nice place to be

but hang in, maybe with our groundwork for you Texans itll go faster for improvements

and as for ignorance/contagion--yeah and around here they are eduicated and faily high income too--and then there are those who assumed and rumored Evan to of course have AIDS--that wasnt fun either...people sheesh

F

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through right now. That really stinks. This disease is so frustrating....it is so hard to diagnose and then once it's finally diagnosed....what do you do for treatment??? They are really some tough choices. I'm so glad you're parents can and want to help you recover from this and find the right doc.

It is a lot for the spouse to go through,too. It's harder on them than we could ever imagine. My poor hub's blood pressure went up and he had to go on BP meds. I'd like for him to try some homeopathics to get it back down, but he puts me first. well, now that I'm better, I am pushing for him to get checked at our next visit to the clinic.

It wasn't all a bed of roses. My hub was very supportive of me. However, there were times when he just had to get out of the house. Let's face it , it's depressing to see someone so sick all the time. I don't mean gone as in all night.....just out of the house, out on the boat, or on the dock , just away. Sure, I cried. I worried if I was ever going to feel better and I think our partners do get scared, too. I think they wonder if we'll ever get better. He probably just needs some time to think. You can get better, you have to remember that and remind your hub of that. After all, the vow was for better or for worse. It's just too bad the worst had to come so early in the marriage. This will make you stronger, though.

I don't like 'negative energy' either. I hope your situation improves and your husband comes to his senses. In the meantime, I will be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.

Peace,

Connie