Today marks the three month mark that my wife died of complications brought forth by Lupus.
I haven't been posting as much as I did when she just died but the stress, anguish and pain remains the same.
She was the love of my life. My one and only everything. Sometimes when I am at work I grab my little journal book and write down my thoughts in an attempt to relieve my sadness and pain. It helps for a little while but the depression always creeps back in.
Today I made another step by disposing of some of my wife's lupus medications. The pain killers, the steroids and anti-inflammatory medications have all been flushed down, to ensure no one can ever get their hands on them. It was rough, she had become so dependent on her medications to sustain her life, and to manage her terrible pain. Oh, how I hate Lupus for destroying our life.
Her clothes and shoes remain. Untouched and in the same place, ready for her to wear. I keep her eye glasses neat and clean on the bathroom sink counter. I wipe them often, ensuring that the lenses are impeccable and sparkling clear. I am not sure if I am simply hurting myself or whether I am still deep in denial even after three full months...
I have joined various Lupus foundation causes online and still feel strongly for everyone who suffers from this terrible disease. I feel your pain, I know your struggles and how much it prevents you from enjoying the little things in life most people take for granted.
My wife took life one day at a time. Some days were good, most were bad. We enjoyed the good days, often by shopping and going to movies, a mere few weeks before she died, safely in my arms.
It'll never be back to normal for me and our son. I am missing an irreplaceable part of my life. I have managed the pain and sadness, letting it overwhelm me at times as a reminder what had happened. I really don't know if I am doing the right thing by constantly reminding me of the loss.
This month and the next would have been our special 16-year anniversary months. We went on our first date on October 22nd, 1993. I told her I loved her on November 21, 1993. It marked the start of an amazing relationship and marriage... But never would I have thought on March 23, 1996 when we said our vows in front of God, "until death do us part" would come this fast. Our story wasn't supposed to end like this.
All I can do now... is to raise our little boy. Share all my wonderful memories I have of his mom with him when grows older. Tell him what an amazing mother and wife she was. Tell him how valiantly she fought against her horrible disease, never letting it keep her down. And hopefully he too will know how much she meant to me. He too will know that she was the love of my life.
Lucia, I miss you so much.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1eVd-EE0omk
http://www.luciavansanten.com
http://www.micahgideon.com
"We keep assuming that tomorrow is something more than a wish. We walk around as if we have some piece of paper that guarantees us tomorrow. Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can do today." Harold Ivan Smith
