This time of year is one of my favorites with the trees leaves turning colors, a briskness to the air, pumpkins, caramel apples, my ferrets digging through the fallen leaves. But this time also hurts so much... you see when I met my husband, I was a single mom with a toddler son. We had a class together in a community college. He wasn't looking for someone, especially with a kid, but he got to know us and well it been 9 years married and 13 years altogether.
He took us fishing, camping, road trips to the ocean. I remember the first time I went hunting with him and he got an elk and I helped him gut it (sorry if this grosses anyone out, but we do live in a rural area where there is hunting and we don't do it for sport, but for food. we don't waste anything). The elk have 2 ivory teeth and he made a necklace for me out of one, he kept the other. We did alot of things together. He was good to my son and I thought he could things with my son that I didn't know much about (me being a city girl).
So throughout the year there was fishing season, crabbing season, hunting season. We did all sorts of things together. We found out that I had Lupus shortly before we got married. In fact I told him that if he wanted to call it off, there would no hard feelings. He is the type who has to have everything his way, and doesn't have much patience for things that don't go his way and has a hard time when it comes to not being able to do what he wants, when he wants, how he wants. And if I was to slow him down for any reason, I was concerned that I would be left behind. But he told me he still wanted to get married, that he loved me and it didn't matter that I had Lupus - we would just deal with it.
We bought our house a year before we got married, and there was warning signs, and talked to him again about not getting married. I was concerned about what would happen if I couldn't do certain activities with the energy that I had before. I know that may sound weird but at times he was not known for patience or understanding for things that do not directly affect him, but he assured me that everything will be alright.
Now comes the hurt....after we got married my Lupus had gotten to where I couldn't work. He started acting so angry at me. I couldn't do anything right. He didn't have any patience for what was going on with me. He started to berate me to other people, but if anyone started to say anything to him, he would say or do anything (especially lie) to justify his actions. When we moved here people thought he was a grump especially the kids, now after everything he has said and done, I'm the who is considered a terrible person. But that's whole separate issue.
We would go fishing less and less and haven't gone for a few years. One time we went with his brother, I couldn't keep up (he was walking faster than normal, and I was weighed down with waders and bunch of fishing gear), that even his brother said maybe they should slow down, but he got angry and said, no that he wasn't going to let me slow him down! He never took me hunting again for seven years and when he finally did and got something I made the joke to his friend that he should take me more often. He got angry at me (He had not gotten anything for those seven years).
Camping became nonexistent. No more road trips. A good friend of mine said why would I want to be around him in the first place after all the crap he has done to me. My answer: I miss doing these things and I miss doing them with him, like before. And it hurts being left home while he goes out and does these things with everyone else. He won't make so that I can go. I have told him if the roles were reverse this is how I would do things (gave him examples) so that he would not be left behind. He will make comprises or will work around other people when it comes to doing things with them. I have actually heard him begging someone to go fishing with him, then tell me that so-and-so begged him. Over the last 6 to 7 years when he did something do something with me or with me and my son, he made it so awful of a time that we didn't really want to go again. Then a friend of his told me that I should let my husband take me fishing, because my hus told him that I wouldn't go. I was speechless and was going to say something when my hus interrupted.
For the last few years when he does something with his family/friends, he makes it impossible for me to go. Gives me the wrong time to leave, so that I don't have time to get ready and have to stay home. He always has an excuse for why the time was wrong. If I am able to go, then he doesn't want to go (and we don't) and gives them the impression that it was me that didn't want to go. If they come over, most of the time they just go out to the shop and I don't get to even say hello. If I do get the chance to talk to them, I will get dirty looks from him. He says he doesn't know what I am talking about when I bring it up.
Also over the years, he has told me that his family doesn't like me or want me at family functions, he says he doesn't know why they don't like me, especially since he has never said anything negative about me to them (which is a lie, I've heard him). He has told me that they are his family and friends NOT mine and I have no say in the matter. He has even told me that people just don't like me, he just doesn't why, they just don't. But now he disputes that he ever said anything of the kind. He says that I am jealous because he has friends and I don't. For a few years I used to have a good relationship with some of his family members until he started pinning everything that went wrong on me. I now feel intimated about his family. Even though we had it out earlier this year and he admit to some of his backstabbing and lies, he refuses to do anything about it. "If people knew the truth, they would throw him in a ditch and put me on a pedestal" was his reason.
If I do want to go somewhere, all of a sudden he will drive me. Last month he drove me to the Dr's. He never really wanted to go before. I got into a hobby, just something for me. He wants to go to the meetings, so I haven't gone to one yet. I know I just complained about him doing things with me, but now that I am wanting to do a few things myself, so that I feel as though as I have a life (also to find out if it is true that people just don't like me - I always got along with people before), he wants to go. I'm also afraid that he is going to make it all about him, when this is something for me. And I know what's going to happen if I tell him no. And what sucks is, sometimes there may be times I might not be able to drive there and back because I'm not feeling up to it.
He seems to keeps me separate from everything else in his life. It hurts and has been a great source of stress in my life. Whenever I bring it or other items up, he diminishes how I feel and acts as though I am causing trouble. For most of our marriage I have felt worthless and nothing but a burden. He says he just doesn't understand why I feel that way and when I try to explain it, he walks out.
He has been laid off for 4 months now and he has spent most of time fishing and now hunting/fishing. That's where his is now, down at his brother's fishing for the weekend (and some birthday party Sat night, me not invited. I am concerned because there will lots of drinking and because of some things that have happen before when he has gotten drunk). He was gone most of last week, and several days and weekends before that. He hasn't been doing to much about finding a job. I won't dare bring this up. I understand that he is taking advantage of the time off to get some fishing in, but he was also laid off last October to March of this year. Not to sound selfish, but it would be nice to have a paycheck and medical ins.
I tried working in April and had to quit in July. it was too much. I am looking to do something from home, but there isn't alot out there that isn't a scam. Heck if there was a legitimate letter stuffing job out there, I would do it. My son says I would make a good proofreader as I am always finding errors in his homework, but after doing some research, I definitely would need some english and grammar classes before going for it. That actually sounds good to me though.
I just realized how much I have written and am going to stop here. You know I thought mind games ended after high school and didn't continue into your mid- forties.
Thank you for letting me ramble. I feel a little better.
Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Wow Photo. I expect you feel slightly better after writing that. While I'm cvertainly not a psychologist I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship with a selfish, controlling, alcoholic man... and it had nothing to do with my lupus. Lucky for me he dumped me for his secretary and now I'm marred to a wonderful man. You might want to seek some counseling.
Wow, you sound as if you having a real rough time, I feel for you terribly, had a similar thing happen with my own parents and siblings however my husband is very supportive although not always understanding, but he does try. I don't deal with my parents or sibllings anymore because of these issues, and it does make it tough when I could do with the extra help ocassionally, however I ma sure they wouldn't give it to me even if we were on speaking terms.
I agree with Heidi, have you thought of getting counselling, it would help you with dealing with the issues that you have at home and perhaps give you some strategies on how to handle situations when they arise.
As for a job, well if you ever get into the proofreading thing, then I would certainly use you, I am a writer of sorts so I could always use a good proof reader.
I bet you do feel better after this vent, you can vent to me anytime, I will always listen and help out where I can. Everyone in this group are here for you if you need them.
I hope dearly yo get the support you need, are your own family(parents etc) supportive of you? I hope so, I know it an be tough at times, and sometimes it does feel as if your fighting a solo battle, but if you ever feel that way just give us a private message and we will chat.
Thinking of you, hope your okay today, and today is one of the good days.
Thank you for the support. I have done counseling in the past, even marriage counseling (which didn't last long) and would like to now so I can learn to deal with situations in a better way, but money is a problem right now, but hopefully it can happen in the future.
I'm kind of in the same situation as you are, Sally, as far as family members go, and appreciate your offer to talk. My son has always been an awesome source of support and without him I don't know how I would make it some days.
Thank you again for letting me vent, and I am here in case you need to do the same.
Post edited by: photosnferrets, at: 10/11/2009 09:57 PM
Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
I just read your letter photosnferrets and am so sorry to hear what your going through.....does your husband go to any of your doctor appointments? Does he realize how serious your illness is? I think some men don't realized the seriousness of lupus they just tend to brush it off like it were a cold or something minor....I think counseling would be of great help to you but if you can't afford that this is what were here for is to lend an ear so if you ever need to vent again were all here for you....hang in there
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Sorry for the delayed response I haven't been around...Sorry for what you are going through. That must be extremely disheartening. Your husband needs to treat you with much more compassion and the way he would want to be treated which I'm sure is not like that! I agree counceling sounds like a good idea, but I don't think its just you that needs it. I think he needs a good dose of reality himself and what he is doing to you. It sounds to me like you are trying to communicate with him and he just keeps brushing you off. Just know that we are here for you anytime
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