Life moving too fast..............

Laundry and dish piles up to the ceiling, dirty kitty litter, the floors haven't seen a vacuum in weeks. Not to mention my garden So sad it's gone to nothing but neglected weeds.

Life moves by too fast anymore. Speeding by me as I try and hold on. I moved fromt the booming metropolis on Toronto to rural Alberta Population 500. I thought it was the busy city lifestyle getting to me, but some how I still suffer from the feeling that everything is speeding by me. Changing the scenario doesn't make the problems go away. When will I accept that I have a disease? When will I stop beating myself for feeling like I'm being lazy? How will I learn to cope with this new diagnosis? How do I make others understand that I haven't given up, I'm just sick?

I want my life back, I want my youth back, I'm not ready to feel 90 when I'm only 31.

Then, when I entered high school, on top of everything else, family and financial problems got out of control. This maded it almost impossible to enjoy my teen years.

Now that I am out of high school, I am finding out that I may have lupus, organ damage and everything, and am having trouble finding a job. I should be enjoying my college years, right? I should be in my prime, right?

Nope. Lupus took that away. I would give so much to shed all my baggage and enjoy my life, but that will never happen. Now I have this weird sense of urgency. My youth is quickly fading, and I cannot savor it. I cannot hold onto any moment long enough. I am terrified of leaving my teen years, knowing that these years are supposed to be part of my prime, and there is so much that I missed and will continue to miss. And I won't even get to enjoy my twenties.

And no one seems to understand. Lupus is enough, and everything else is just too much. Everyone else is all, relax, or the obligatory just get more exercise and eat healthier, pull yourself together crap.

People especially don't understand why I am so terrified of not being a teen anymore. Everyone says, "Oh, you're just afraid to grow up. Everyone goes through that." Shut UP, no they don't all go through this. Sure, those kids will cry when they get out of high school, but in a couple of days, they will be fine. And we are talking about kids that have enjoyed their teen years and are ready to move on.

That's another thing I fear. In high school, everyone is watching you, caring about you, all the time, or at least in most high schools to an extent. They expect you to struggle, and they want to catch you when you fall and comfort you. When you leave, people just expect you to be totally independent, and the stragglers are just lazy, immature, stupid people, not hurting people. Schools expect it, society expects it, families expect it, even you expect it.

You are truly alone.

Anyway, back to your situation, I had to reply to this because I identified so much with it. My adctual advice to you is that, there is no set time at which you can or have to accept that you have an illness. Cry, grieve, rage, an go through that process. Support groups like this one can help. Eventually, you will naturally come to that point where you are ready to move on with life with lupus.

In the meantime, you know you have an illness and none of this is your fault. Seek people that will help you take care of the house. Explain to others your situation, and offer them resources to learn more. And, you have us.

And I sought out this advice when I first came. If people give you a hard time about the lupus, don't talk to them as much or spend as much time with them. You may want to break it off with them completely. Sad, but in the end, it means less stress. Stress is the bane of lupus.

Godd bless.

And I don't know if you would WANT to follow this advice, but when I have people over for any reason and they don't like how I keep it, I tell them what my problem is.

And, that if they don't like how I maintain my house, they're more than welcome to maintain it for me. I coul use the help.

But I also know I am a good (not perfect) mommy to my two kids and good (not perfect)wife. Laundry is not always done and dinner is not always homemade, but they know I love them. Try to look forthe things you do well and be proud of those

amy

I try to focus on my accomplishments and when it gets tough I focus on day to day. You sound busier then me. My godsend was a friend I found through my sons school who also has a chronic illness that's symptoms are invisible. I call her my "sick" friend. Guilt and worrying about what bad could happen have often upset me. Not may people understand that. You are ten years younger then me. There is no knowing if you will have more difficult times, but try not to worry about what you can't do anything about.

take care

I will begin grad school online in Sept.

Together we can.

Bonus to our having gone through all of this is that we can help others. My husband has been sick for a while now and the doctors can't figure it out. Alot of the symptoms are like lupus so he is getting frustrated. I think he may finally understand what I have dealt with for years.

Your daughter may be helping to take care of you but I'm sure she will learn a lot from the situation. Just make sure to let her know you appreciate her and give her time to be the kid that she is.