I've been dealing with insomnia and the accompanying anxiety and depression for over two months now. I've tried various prescription and herbal remedies, plus I've done three stints in inpatient psychiatric treatment. Most of the drugs didn't work on me to begin with, have stopped working completely, or barely work now.
Last night I took some melatonin with 3mg Lunesta, and 3mg Ativan, which I have been doing for a couple weeks now. However, this isn't even always that effective. Out of frustration, I also popped a couple vicodin in the hope that it would relax me and help SOMEHOW. The result was that I felt like I drifted in and out of sleep all night, though my fiance swears I was actually sleeping.
Anyway, I'm so fed up with all of this that I'm consumed by depression. I fantasize about suicide fairly constantly, and since last night I've considered using the vicodin to finally do it.
I know people struggle with insomnia for far longer than I have, but it just seems to me that no matter what I try, it will only help for a week or two before I'm back to square one. And it crushes me every time. I just don't know how to accept that I can't sleep and move on with my life; it seems I'm stuck in an obsessive loop where all I do is worry about it.
The last time I went in for inpatient treatment was a nightmare. They basically tortured me for two weeks by refusing to address my sleep problem. So I know there's no help there. I would love to see a sleep specialist and have a sleep study done, but I have no insurance and my doctor won't refer me yet.
Anyway, I'm just feeling really down and hopeless. I'll be seeing a therapist today but there's nothing he can do for me. If this is what life is going to be like from now on, I honestly don't know how I'll handle it.
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In case of EMERGENCY call 911 or 1.800.273.TALK (8255) to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Read more.