Insomnia Support Group

I always weep at night...can't carry on.

This first line is a quote from the Mamas & the Papas; the second is me having changed the second line of their lyrics.

Now that the quoting issue is out of the way...

I can't sleep. I pray for it. I try to create a safe environment. I listen to my cat purr. I do everything I can think of. I've taken sleep studies, over 40 medications over time for this, but it's nearly impossible to treat with (just) medication.

I can't sleep unless I feel safe, and I haven't felt safe since: (1) I lost one of the loves of my life, to a heroin OD. That happened four years ago, but it haunts me like it was yesterday,

(2) My grandparents used to come into the bedroom that I slept in when I spent the night there, always at night, drag me out of bed, and abuse me, sexually, ritualistically, verbally, etc.

(3) My boyfriend (really a title more than anything else) is almost never around. For some reason, when he WAS around, if he was next to me, I could sleep, even if I didn't take any of the EIGHT serious sleep meds that I take now. But I'm fortunate to see him once a week, and he never sleeps over anymore.

I know there are a million things that could be said about him, but I can't afford to even go there right now; there are too many other things making me sad and scared and feeling like jumping out of my skin.

I guess I really just wondered if anyone else is awake, if they have any suggestions, insight, or just want to talk or have stories to share. Sometimes, this is the only "safe place" I know, but I still can't sleep.

Sad and Heartsick...and Scared.