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11/10/2011 08:57 AM

My survival through 11 years of incest abuse.

Posts: 26

This post if from my diary that I would like to share.

I remember being 4 years old and staying at my grandparents house one night. Unfortunately, the only thing I can remember from that night was that my uncle, my dad's brother, called me intohis room and what happened after that. Before this night I never had any reason to fear him in any way for be afraid of hanging out with him. But there I was, 4 years old sitting in his desk chair talking about my favorite barbie when all of a sudden he was coming towards me and stroking the inside of my legs with his huge, monstrous hands. He was almost caressing them and playing with me. He whispered in my ear that "this is our little secret, just between you and me". I never told anyone about this night, because he told me it was a secret.

Each time I went back to my grandparents house, he would do the same thing. For two years he did the same thing until I was about 6 years old, when I guess his courage built up to put his hands inside of my pants. I didn't know what to do, he told me not to tell anyone or I would regret it. So I sat there. At first he touched my leg and told me to be quite, and then his hand went further up until his fingers were touching my vagina. I resisted so one of his hands held me down into the chair I was sitting in. I didn't cry in fear of being heard and getting hurt by him. So I stayed there, trying to be strong and thinking of everything else that I could to get through what he was doing.

One day, it got a little bit different. He pulled me into his room and had a pornographic magazine open across his desk. He pushed me into the chair and knelt down beside me. Put one hand inside of my pants and then another flipping the magazine. At first I didn't look, but then time went on and he was still doing this to me. I didn't look until he forced me to, and then he shoved his fingers inside me. I was 6 years old. I remember the pain, the horrible pain of him doing that. Like all the innocence I had left was being stretched and pulled away from me.

One day, we were all alone. My sister had cancer very young and so most of the time I had to stay with my grandparents, where he lived. When one day, when I was 7, my grandparents went to the grocery store. I was alone, being quite in a room all by myself. He came into the door way, blocking my exit and he pulled my wrist and got me into his room. He put me on his bed and started to undress me. I didn't know what was going to happen. He took all of my clothes off and put his mouth all over me and for the first time, made me touch his penis and put it in my mouth. I was so grossed out I started screaming. I was so scared. He ended up putting me in his closet to capture my loud screams and then he ejaculated, on me. I thought he was peeing but now that I remember, it was semen. I ran out crying and sat in the driveway until my grandparents came home.

He continued showing me pornographic magazines and making his girlfriend watch us and making me watch them. He would do things to me anywhere he could. In his car in parking lots, cedar point, my house, his house-anywhere he could get me alone. And as much as I avoided him, he always found ways of dragging me into an empty room, stealing me out of my bed in the middle of the night or anything to just get me alone.

He kept doing this to me three to four times a week for years. As I matured, the molestation got worse. He would completely undress me and hold me down as he put his face in between my legs, or when he would climb on top of me and put my maturing chest into his mouth while he shoved his fingers inside of me. I told my father once, but nothing really happened in result of it. The abuse only got worse. His hands hurt more when he shoved his fingers inside of me and when he grabbed my growing chest.

One night I had even come up with a plan to kill him if he came near me or tried to do anything. I didn't know what I would do but I didn't want him touching me anymore and coming after me. I never did anything in fear that I would get in serious trouble, I had no idea that it would have been self defense but I was scared because I had thought about doing it. Instead, I tried killing myself. Getting caught with razor blades either positioned at my throat or wrists or trying to hang my self. No note, just ending it all. But in the end, I would either get caught or would be too scared to go through with it.

As hard as I fought to get away and to stop him, the abuse just kept happening. Even as I turned 12, 13, 14 and 15. Most of the time I could get away with saying that I was on my period but he was smart enough to figure out that a girl didn't have her period all the I was punished. Another horrible tirade of pain and hurt.

Three to four times a week I would go through this torture and pain, for 11 years. What surprised me through it all was that he never raped me. He always told me it was okay what he was doing to me because he wasn't putting his penis inside of me. That was his justification, I guess. I never believed it but then again I was never strong enough to escape his hold on me or the threats he made against me if I told anyone or stopped "being with him".

To get past my family, he would say he considered me like a daughter. I cringe every time I remember hearing him say that. Because no father should ever even think of doing something so horrible to a child.

I finally escaped May 7, 2007. After I filed a domestic violence case agains my dad for physically abusing me. I've only seen my uncle twice since then, once at my grandfathers funeral and once at my dad's funeral.

He tried to kill me at my dad's funeral when I yelled that I hated him as I stared at my sisters grave. It took 6 people to hold him back and 2 of my friends to guard me. I was finally standing up to him and telling him how I felt after all that time, even though it almost costed me my life.

I was hospitalized in 2009, and treated with therapy for almost 2 years after. I started college and lost my time to see my therapist. So I was on my own. I've been dating someone for almost 2 years but unfortunately, when we try and get intimate, sometimes I end up flashing back to the times where my uncle was abusing me and my uncle is who I see when I look in the eyes of my extremely supportive boyfriend. I see my uncle, smell him and feel him so I end up pushing my boyfriend or hitting him and running away from him screaming and crying in fear. I have nightmares a lot about my uncle and it seems like I can barely escape him. Or the fear of him coming after me, which explains why some nights I have panic attacks thinking that he is in my room, watching me and getting ready to grab me. I don't know what to do to escape the post traumatic stress of what he did. I try and be strong but deep down I am broken and I can't be fixed. I live knowing what he did to me every day, and I hope and pray that someday I will be able to move on. But 11 years of being strong and pushing through it all is now coming back at me and I don't know what to do at times. When I think about it, and I take a second to realize my life....I have been sexually active for 16 out of the 20 years I've been alive. I didn't want 11 of those 16 but I didn't have much of a choice.

That is my story, I hate it and wish it weren't my life but there it is.

Help me if you can by providing any coping methods or ways of getting through the pain, I would really appreciate it.



11/11/2011 10:00 AM
Posts: 369
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I'm an Advocate


I am so sorry this happened to you and the pain you are going through but as I told you by sharing your story the secret is out and it has no more power over you. The more you share it the less grip it has on you.

I am so proud of you!

s2e Smile


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