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12/03/2010 08:29 PM

new to group, feeling lost and depressed

sirena6
Posts: 264
Member

I want to start by saying I have been wanting to join/post to an online support group for a while but just now go the courage. Even though its technically anonymous, you never know, so i have been scared. Also, you never know what kind of people are out there reading and replying with mean answers, so I hope you guys will keep my currently fragile feelings in mind.

I went for my annual pap/pelvic exam in September 2010. I have never had any problems with this, always use protection, and have had the same partner for seven years so I did not think I was "at risk".

As you can imagine (and probably experienced yourself) I was pretty shocked when the dr. told me that a skin tag I had felt was probably a HPV wart. Then I got a call about a week and a half later saying my pap was abnormal! A biopsy confirmed it was a viral wart (though I got conflicting messages about this from two different dr's, adding to my frustration). A colposcopy/2 cervical biopsies showed no dysplasia, just inflammation and some nuclear changes in the cells. My dr. says I have HPV (both a low and high risk type) and my body is just fighting is off (hence the inflammation).

On the medical side, all looks pretty good - or at least as good as it can for having HPV. As of now no dysplasia/pre-cancer and my immune system is showing it can do its job. Also, the external warts have all disappeared after treatment with Aldara. I really hope they stay away!!

On the psychological side, it is still really bad though. I feel like I have gone through all the stages of grief but in a cycle, some days better than others. I thought I was finally getting to acceptance, when again I fell back into being very depressed and anxious about it all.

I feel like an expert on HPV now - I have been obsessive about reading all I can about it, which has helped and is important but also sometimes makes me more anxious so I have to stop myself.

I have a lot of really bad stuff going on in my life right now and this not only adds to it but seems like the worst part in some ways since I do not really have any way of controlling it besides taking care of my health which I already do (I made a lifestyle change about 1 1/2 years ago and stuck with it!). In addition, my boyfriend and I have been having a lot of trouble, and it looks like this relationship might be ending soon. It makes me sad in general because 7 years is a long time and we still love one another. BUT, on top of all that I am terrified to try to date knowing I have HPV. I would never want to give this to someone else nor tell someone , fearing the rejection.

I just do not know how to come to accept that this is a part of my life now and its ok. I keep thinking about it and get really sad and angry. I know soooo many people carry HPV and never know it - why do I have to?

Anyone else going through this? I could just really use some words of wisdom today Smile

Thanks and I hope I can help someone else out there.

PS: I am still so confused no matter how much I read or how many times/diff ways I ask my dr - I know HPV is in your body for life, but becomes dormant because your immune system keeps it in check (hopefully) BUT, do you ever know if you are not contagious? Are you always contagious? Does anyone really know the answer to this?

Post edited by: sirena6, at: 12/03/2010 08:31 PM

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12/05/2010 12:39 PM
Indubitably
Indubitably  
Posts: 856
Senior Member
I'm an Advocate

Hey Sirena, welcome to the group!

I know it's a hard diagnosis to take. Trust, we all do! It's very good, though, that your cervix is good. That's really the biggest worry when it comes to HPV. And that the warts have gone away is really great too. This is exactly what you want to happen following a diagnosis of HPV!

Emotionally it can be draining, especially when you feel like you've done everything you were supposed to as far as being safe and monogamous. Add to that a struggling relationship and I know how difficult it is. Considering you stated that you and your boyfriend still love each other, I recommend buying one or both of the following books: "Love Dare" and "Relationship Rescue".

That said, to answer your last question, I really don't know. I've studied everything I feel like I can about HPV and I don't know that answer either. I'm not sure anyone knows for sure. Doctors disagree. Some say your body clears it and when you test negative for HPV, you no longer have it. Others say it's just dormant. Whether or not you can pass it on at that time isn't really known either, because they say it can sit in your system undetected for years after infection.

I guess there isn't a lot of funding going to HPV research, because there is still a lot unknown.

Elle


12/07/2010 06:37 PM
StayStrong
 
Posts: 14
New Member

Hey Sirena,

About a year ago I found out that I had HPV (High Risk). Like you I was depressed for many months, dealing with the end of a relatioonship and the end of friendships. Just hang in there, this storm shall pass. I just had my third and final check up and so far the virus is not present any more. My only advice to you is that you watch your diet.... eat a lot of vegetables...especially brocolli and wheatgrass. I also drank a lot of ensure and V8 for those days that was tough for me with the depression and that seemed to help me get through the stress. I am now feeling healthier and right on track again...I never thought that I would make it to this point but I did and so will you. Just remember to come back here and lend your support to someone new. I truly believe that when you do good it comes back to you. So hang in there and say a prayer! In two years or less you will be ok.

Take care,

StayStrong


12/08/2010 07:32 PM
sirena6
Posts: 264
Member

Thanks! Today has been a better day, thank god! Some days I just wish i could make it all go away though. Then, some days I accept that I can't and I need to learn to move on and live my life. I have been trying to lend some support on this board, and I hope it has helped someone else. Its really hard not having anyone around who "gets it" so i hope I can be that person for someone. Thanks again, clearly you get it too Smile

12/15/2010 12:48 PM
dink24
Posts: 1
New Member

IM DYING is what i feel like. I am glad i found this group however, b/c the two friends i've revealed the diagnosis to just looked at me blankly and said be glad you don't have HIV. FURTHER INFURIATED and feeling absurd.

That of course did not help. Now, I am waiting for the results of the pap.

And i wanted to know in the meantime can I go ahead and try to get a prescription for Aldara? Or do I need to wait? Should i also wait for the results of having the warts frozen off?

Also for anyone who dealt with warts, what was the scarring like? And what are options to removing scars?

Thanks everyone for the helpful advice and feedback.

Dink


12/15/2010 05:17 PM
Indubitably
Indubitably  
Posts: 856
Senior Member
I'm an Advocate

Hi Dink! Welcome to the group! I'm sorry your friends have not been more supportive! You've found a good place here. I don't have experience with the wart-causing kind. I have a persistent high-risk strain. Hopefully some others will chime in soon to answer your questions.

Good luck on your pap results!

Elle


12/16/2010 12:06 AM
sirena6
Posts: 264
Member

If you have been officially diagnosed with HPV warts and given an Aldara prescription you can fill it and start to use it. This kind of HPV is completely separate from the kind that shows up on pap, although its not uncommon to have both. I hope your pap comes back clean!!

I used Aldara with great success. A few tips:

Use a very little bit on each wart

Do not get it on any normal skin

Wash it off promptly after 8-10 hours (i used cetaphil and warm water in the shower) sometimes I could not take a shower right away so i wiped as much off as I could with a baby wipe or wet toilet paper

Only use it how directed - three times per week

You may get some irritation from it or what looks like sores where you apply it. It it hurts/itches put some A & D ointment or Vaseline on it so it does not rub. If the pain/irritation becomes too much to handle call your dr - they will probably have you take some time off or discontinue completely.

Be patient. It can take several weeks to work. for me, it took 3 weeks for some and 6 weeks for others. It is frustrating to do this all the time and not see results right away, but when they do start to shrink you will be happy you stuck with it!

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