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recovering heroin addict


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05/28/2008 23:17
lala728
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 Hi! My name is Lisa. I am a recovering heroin addict. I am desperate for support and have been looking everywhere for a safe place. I just feel like I need someone to talk to that might understand what I am going through. I feel like the only person who understood is gone. My fiance comitted suicide 9 months ago yesterday. I have been clean 9 months today. It has been the most bittersweet time of my life. I don't know whether to laugh or cry half the time...i am so up and down all the time. I miss my love so much it hurts to breathe or think about him...but it is the only thing I can do to stay sane. I love being clean...there is nothing else like it...then why do I miss heroin so much. It wasn't a good lifestyle...not glamorous or anything...but for some reason I miss it. I think maybe I miss it so much because my love was there...he is there in those memories...even if they aren't great memories...he's still there. I sent him to rehab to get clean...while I stayed here to be put on Suboxone. He told me he needed me and that he couldn't go without me...his mom told us he had to go...that it was our only way out. We couldn't afford to send me. He hung himself... one hour after I told him to keep holding on...he hung himself. He left me to do it all alone. He was there for 3 days. I wish I had let him come home. I was always happier when I was with him... even if we were miserable an sick for our next shot. We were so in love. We were together a year before we started using. We were so in love. We didn't need that stuff. Why did we even start?...

Post edited by: lala728, at: 05/29/2008 01:21
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05/29/2008 01:30
lamdough
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 Hey lala, I've been clean for about 4 months, I met a beautiful girl in detox one time who I instantly connected with. She worked as a call girl and at the time I had nowhere to go since I was unwilling to go into long term treatment (I know, what a match). She invited me to live at her house after we were caught in the bathroom together and kicked out. When we arrived we didn't even pretend that we were not going to instantly begin using again. I can honestly say that for a time we loved each other. After a couple of months of this we both once again entered treatment but this time we were not able to go together (she had no choice since she was threatened with jail due to a lingering case). After only a couple of days I succumbed to my loneliness and "detox feelings" and slept with a girl from my new detox clinic. I left the residential treatment program that came after the detox after only 2 weeks but then found out she had already been kicked out of hers for trying to bring in drugs. I had and still have no way to get in touch with her but I fear she is either in jail (where she wouldn't stand a chance) or dead (which I'm afraid is just as likely).

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05/29/2008 10:31
lisa79
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 Hi Lisa I,ve just read what you have wrote and my heart goes out to you as we both have something in common that is we are both called Lisa and we are both recovering heroin addicts so thats a start I started using Heroin 3yrs ago and was only taking it 3mths when I went for help I,m on a methadone program I have had a few relaspes since then and stupidly tried to come off methadone on Jan this year by stopping taking it and went cold turkey when I should have got it gradually cut down and my boyfriend John is also a heroin addict aswell and at that time I did that he was still using so after 2wks of coming off the methadone I relasped for another 3weeks then went to my doctor and got put back on my methadone before I ever used Heroin my boyfriend had been battling a heroin addiction on and off for 10yrs I had actually been with him 2yrs and 2mths afore I tried it be have a daughter who is Sophie she is 3and a half yrs old we both haven,t touched any heroin since 20th march 08 which is great for my B/f as at one point I thought he would never be able to beat it but it is horrendous what you have had to go through and I think your are excellent to have been able to still stay clean when you have suffered such a tragic loss (your boyfriend up in heaven will be looking down at you with pure proudness)I know from experience that people who have been battling a drug addiction will miss the drug from time to time as just yesterday my b.f. was thinking about heroin it is probably because you feel a connection with the heroin and your b.f. and also you will be feeling guilty because you didn,t let him come home from the rehab but you should try to get rid of that guilt as you were only trying to help him and did not know he was going to do that I have to go for now but do take Care and I will help you anyway I can so please try and not beat yourself up too much as you are still grieving and have done remarkably well still been able to beat your drug addiction through all this you should give yourself credit send me back a message if you wish that would be niceLisa

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05/29/2008 12:06
Jugilee
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 All I can say is I commend you for your tremendous strength! You should be proud of yourself and I'm sure that your fiance is looking down on you and very proud of you too. I'm sure he would want you to continue to do good and stay clean....so if you have to think of that way...then do it for him! Keep up the good work!

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05/30/2008 17:38
lala728
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 Hi guys! Thank you so much for your supportive comments. I really feel like I finally found people to talk to who understand. Just knowing that I am not the only one makes me feel so much better. I am going to a meeting tonight to get my 9 month chip. i am very excited...I know it is just a piece of plastic, but it is something I really look forward to. I am very proud of them. It has not been an easy road. Today has been a good day. I will chat again soon. Thank you all so much! Lala(that is what my fiance, Cody, called me.)
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05/30/2008 18:19
fighter
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 hey i have a husband who oded,,,,, its hard.....are you still on the suboxone??? i was on pills real bad and suboxone is the only thing that saved me.......if you are thinking about herion them if i were you i would get back on the suboxone if your still on it ,,are you???? let me know how you r i would love to talk more about this......angie.........
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