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10/06/2009 12:06 PM

clean since august 2004

swinginmama
Posts: 12
New Member

i came across this forum, after having joined another support group on the site, and thought i would introduce myself, as i know all too well, the evils, and the comforts, of heroin.

i am a 25-year-old female, now a mom of 2 (and a half) children.

my story involves me getting married to someone i had no business knowing, when i was 18. i am a very trusting person, and my ex-husband (legally still my spouse, disgustingly and unfortunately...) intentionally tricked me into trying heroin, then enabled me and kept me addicted, so that i would let him continue his own addiction with no complaints on my end.

i had a borderline migraine one night, when i was 19. it was november 8th, 2003. i was going crazy-- i just didn't know *what* to do, because i had never had one before, and had nothing to take. after spending an hour or so complaining, the ex told me that he "happened to" have some coke, that "someone gave him" (psh) and that i should give it a shot. at that point in life, i had never done any drug "worse" than acid or ecstasy, and i was willing to go ahead and do it, just to try and get some relief. moments after using the "cocaine", my heart sank, when he told me, "uhhhh, i hate to tell you this, but that's not coke. it's dope." i freaked, and asked if he was sure--but, of course he was, as he had spent several of his teens years shooting up.

well... it did get rid of my headache... and a couple of days later, i asked if he would by chance, be able to get anymore. a couple of times a week, i would have him get me a pack. then he came home with one insulin needle, one night. i begged him not to use it, to no avail-- he's never had any respect for me or my feelings really, and it eventually came out that he'd been diagnosed a sociopath.

by the next day, i was letting him use the needle on me. and it was amazing. i loved it. i spent the following 9 months getting high every day. ex wasn't working a steady job, and it took a while for me to figure out that he was regularly hitting the atm in the middle of the nights, stealing money from my family. in march of 2004, my mom came to me, livid, telling me that $20,000+ worth of her gold jewelry had vanished, and accused my husband. i was offended, yet horrified. he denied it, very defensively, and i believed him for a long time, because i couldn't stand to think otherwise, and did not believe he would lie to me (alas, he is a nasty liar, cheater-- he slept with over 20 women in 2005-06, IN MY BED while i was expecting his daughter *fumes* -- thief/armed robber, and many other hideous qualities).

he was on parole, and when my family reported the theft, the officer was extremely rude, and immediately went after my husband. he spent over a year in jail, and i started going down to the city by myself, to hang with our hippie biker dealer, every day, sometimes twice a day. we had some great talks, as he was honestly a really interesting old man. we would sit around chatting and doing lines, for hours. if he had a different occupation, i would actually still love to be friends with him, to be honest. lol...

after about 3 months of this-- 9 months total, i was in bad shape emotionally, and weighed only 108 lb. (i'm 5'6" and 120 is my ideal and normal weight) i wore long sleeves all that summer, to hide the marks in my elbows. i was ashamed and scared, and my parents had found out about the whole disaster. they didn't know i was still using after he went back to jail-- only my aunt knew, and she told her daughter, my best friend, who cut me out of her life at that point (i never knew that she knew, until last year, and i was sooo angry at my aunt for spilling my secret...). off topic... so, i got up the courage on, i believe, august 23, 2004, and i went down to the city for the last time. i told my guy that i couldn't keep this up, and asked him not to sell to me anymore. he was always very nice to me, and super-protective of me, the little white girl visiting him in the ghetto, so i knew he would respect my wishes, and he did. it wasn't easy. i called him up, crying, after i ran out of my supply-- he did me the biggest favour of my life, though, and yelled at me not to call him again. i called up an acquaintance, and he sold a few lines to me, the last ones i would do. they made me sick, so it wasn't too hard after that, to not go back to him.

i went up north to see my best friend, whom i've been BFFs with since 1st grade. i admitted this whole story to her, and cried, and she let me sleep on her couch for a couple days, while i got over the sickness, and smoked some pot with me, to ease the pain.

after i went home, the world looked so dreary and just too real. i took it day by day. it was my secret, the darkest time in my life. i've since shared with many people, my friends-- it helps, in some ways, to have people know my story, all that i went through, and survived!!-- and be proud of me. it's been over 5 years now, i guess-- hadn't realised that i hit the 5-year mark, but it pleases me. Smile

i feel for those of you who have had addictions, or are still dealing with the horrors, and/or withdrawal. like i said before, it's such an evil, evil habit, and so tough to kick (though i must add that weaning from anti-depressants is WAY harder, for what it's worth). i never went to rehab or used methadone-- i am a stubborn bitch, and that was enough to get me clean on my own terms, when i was ready. and we all know, that you have to be ready to quit. i'm glad i did it, of course. i probably saved my life, in quitting. there's that saying that there are no old junkies-- either you get clean, or you die, plain and simple.

i like to talk, and could add many more details if i were to get rambling here, but this is enough.

i look forward to meeting others, talking things over-- i haven't known many heroin users, and personally can't stand the ones i did know, for they way they screwed me whenever they could. i am an honest person, but H even got ME stealing money from my family. it sickens me to realise what i did, and how i hurt my family.

if i may help anyone here in any way, i hope i can! i am a born nurturer/healer, the one who wants to hug everyone, and tell them it will be all right. and you know, it will-- YOU can get your life back, as much as it may seem impossible when you're in the middle of an addiction or nasty withdrawal. i'm living proof of that.

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