MDJunction - People Helping People
 
Ask a Question
07/10/2012 09:35 AM

How to stop enabling my herion addict son!

Pbjalme
 
Posts: 85
Member

Am I enabling my heroin addicted son? Just found out 2 days ago my son has been on Heroin and shooting up. My world went off kilter and I thought I was going to throw up. How did I find out...$1000.00 was missing from my checking account and I confronted him. He then started crying and told me he's been a Heroin addict and he can't stop. That he's tried, but he can't. That he wants help. I told him I would help him if he was serious about getting off Heroin. Catch here, is that he is on Probation, and his officer will not allow him to go to In House Rehab. Outpatient only! He told us that my son has to work at least 2 jobs to pay for all the fines he has. Oh I forgot to let you all know that my son had been in jail for 5 months due to a PFA violation, for smoking pot, he has a DUI, and stole some things at Walmart. I thought he had mental problems, not a serious drug problem. How Naive am I. I have had him to Psychiatrist, counciling, everything you can think of, I've done! I have given this child so many chances. I will try and do anything to see him off this horrible drug. I called his Drug Therapist on Monday, and told him about my son Heroin addiction, and my son goes to today to see him. I am panicking though, I'm afraid he will be drugged tested, and the Probation officer will send him back to jail, and when my son get's out again, the cycle will begin. I'm in panic mode right now. I can't think right, I panicking all the time, I can't eat, and my hands are shaking constantly. I have never lived with this kind of pure terror. I am also afraid, he will relapse and steal more money from us. Oh...how did he steal the money, he forged checks, which he had hidden before he went to jail. I thought I had everything locked up, but apparently I didn't. How can he get the proper help, without his Probation officer knowing? I know he would arrest my son on the spot, if he knew he wanted to go to an In house rehab. My son would have to admit he has been doing drugs, and back he would go to jail.

My other son's, who are older, told me to kick him out and call the Police. That I'm enabling him. My husband just said to me, when I told him about our son, that he hopes he dies of an overdose, because he hates looking at him. I get accused of constantly giving in to him. Yes, I'm a fixer, and yes, I do not always follow through. I just want to see my son normal...I'm not even sure what normal may be for him. My son told me that the longest he went without drugs, is while he was in jail. That he has been doing drugs since he was 13, and Heroin for 2 years. Where have I been...is my head stuck in the sand? I don't even know who my son is apparently, because the son I knew since he was teenager has always been on drugs!!!! I only saw glimpses of the young man he is, when he was in jail. How sad is that? I just want to throw up!!!! HELP ME...do I have the strength to see all of this through! Should I have called the police or probation officer? Am I wrong on how I handled this situation? Was not prepared for this revelation from my son. Will he be destined to fail, and never be a contributing factor in society? He is now 20, you do the math, since 13 he has been using drugs...is there hope for him, or am I being to hopeful? Should I just say to my son, "That your on your own...and if you go back to jail, because you can't refrain from doing drugs, so be it! I don't know the answer...HELP!

Reply

07/10/2012 04:34 PM
sec
 
Posts: 901
Member

pbjalme,

i'm so sorry that you are going thru this pain. it's so horrible when you first find out. no, i'm sure your head was not in the sand...addicts are really good at fooling us. i don't often come to this site. i am on the parents of addicts site and i would suggest that you post there as well. there are some wonderful people on that site and believe me, we know just how you are feeling. my daughter is 23 and has been shooting heroin for a few years. i found out in nov 2010 and i didn't think i could make it, but i am making it and i thank the beautiful people on the parents site for all their suggestions, comfort and prayer(and believe it or not an occational laugh). please know that you are not alone and you will get thru this!!!!! keep in touch. please God help our new friend find some peace during this hoorible roller coaster ride of addiction. love and peace, sharon


07/11/2012 07:33 AM
fleabag73
fleabag73  
Posts: 181
Member

Wow, I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I'm a recovering heroin addict and I used for a good ten years, maybe longer, and I've been free of it for 2.5 years now. The shit I put my poor Mom thru was horrific, I still carry alot of guilt over it. I'm gonna say this, your husband needs a good bitch slap for saying something that heartless and horrible, karma's a bitch, he needs to remember that, and I'm sending him some bad ass karma, if his attitude is that bad about it, that does your son NO good. Sorry for getting off topic here but that got my panties in a wad. Having a good support system can be the difference between sobriety and relapsing. I'm a little confused as to WHAT his PO's reason for not allowing him to do inpatient versus outpatient, have you heard of Suboxone? It's a medication that's used to treat opiate addiction, it contains a combo of bupeprenorphine(which treats the W/D's and curbs the cravings) and naloxone(which in a nutshell will prevent you from using, if you use an opiate on it, it sends you into horrible W/D's.) There are also just straight injections of naltrexone available now, and that is a preventative thing so you can't use, it sends you into mindnumbing W/D's. That works if your son is willing and ready to give up the life. I just re-read what you wrote and I get the thing with his PO now, I'd go for the naltrexone that way he won't pop for opiates if they UA him, technically suboxone is in the opiate family so that would be bad for him, but doing the naltrexone shot would give you a little piece of mind at least. I started using when I was young too and there's always more to it than just the drugs, I had alot of underlying issues that I was just self medicating myself into hell so I wouldn't have to deal with it. Your son sounds very lost and hurting to me, dont give up Mom!!! There IS hope, you gotta hang onto that, my Mom did and I'm here to tell my story. Big Hugs, Heather

07/11/2012 07:40 AM
bobsmom
Posts: 114
Member

pbjalme, I truly understand where you are coming from. In fact if I may speak on others behalf, all the parnets on here, have felt the pain and hopelessness that you are feeling. I too belong to parnets of addicts group, and sec is right. You should also try to post on there, there are so many helpful and caring people who are suffering the same situation you are. It is a long hard road, but you need to stay strong and do whats best for your family. My son is 25 and is a herion addict. He was just released from jail last week, so he was clean for 4 weeks (thats how long he was in jail). He came out with a postive attiude and wanted to check himself into a sober living house. Now he has a million reasons why he can't. He was residing with me and my family until he went to jail. It was suppose to be a tempory arrangement but turned into 6 months. I can say durning this time, he went to rehab and was clean for 90 days then started using again. He broke every house rule we had. I will not let me live with me again. He needs to step up to the plate and get his stuff together. I have tried helping because as a mom, we need to fix things and make it better. However, even with all the support, love and finacial help, he still chose to use. I will never forget what someone said to me and that was "it is his journey and his mountain, you need to let him climb it". Hugs and prayers go out to you and your family. Stay strong and keep us posted. Hugs Renee

07/11/2012 10:16 PM
Pbjalme
 
Posts: 85
Member

Thanks everyone. Yes, I have heard about Suboxone, and I have been on the phone today for six hours trying to find a clinic. I'm still not done completing all the phone calls. I've been in contact with my son's Drug Therapist, and right now I'm exhausted. My son is experiencing bloody ears, coughing, and at least he is not throwing up anymore. He's on antibiotics and is very, very moody...I would say a bit mean. He will go on Friday to meet with his Therapist and then his PO...I hope he is clean, or it is back to jail for him! As far as the PO, he does not have any children, and my son has been in so much trouble in the past, that they are not giving him an inch to breath. I can understand in some way. My son is hurting and angry about life. I have to say though, that he has created this turmoil in his life. He made the choice to do drugs, and loves the way it makes him feel. I know though deep down, he is tired of this life of drugs, but in some instances, I feel that he will miss the way drugs make him feel. It is really in his hands, I know that and I know the only thing I can do is only offer support. I did tell him that if he stole money from me again that he would have to find another place to live. I can't afford his addiction and choices anymore!

As far as my husband, and my son's father, I can't understand how my husband can say the things he does about our son. I think the pain is so great that he just can't deal with it. My husband was in Corrections for 30 years and saw everything imaginable. He looks at our son, and sees a convict and can't figure out how a child of ours could turn out the way he has. He looks at my son as his biggest failure in his life. I can't change my husband, and I have told my son that. I know deep down, that my husband wants our son to succeed in life but is not holding out much hope. My husband is a first generation American and has raised our son's to believe in this country, do the right thing, work hard, and life will reward you. My husband was always there for our boys. But my husband only sees black and white. Right or wrong, the right path or the wrong. There is no in between. I see the in between.

I pray our son succeeds, but I am not naive to think that he will...I hope and pray he will, but I've been down this road before with him. My son had a chance to play College Football as a Running Back, and broke his foot and has had to have two surgeries to repair it. He then dropped out of college, and he has spiraled into the Abyss. I just hope that he can make it. The war on drugs, I decided, was not the governments fight, but the families. We are the ones that have to battle this problem everyday! It's exhausting, frustrating, and mind numbing!!!! I would just like to crawl in a hole and never come out! Thanks everyone, so far for the support!!!! Believe me, I need it, and I pray for all of you that are going through the same thing I am. I also applaud all of you that are trying to stay clean!!!! My heart and prayers to all of you!


07/12/2012 11:00 AM
fleabag73
fleabag73  
Posts: 181
Member

Hey there, I get it now about your husband. My Dad sees things as being black or white and that's the way it is. I've heard that from several parents on the board as well. Today my Dad and I have a good relationship, and he's not as black and white, but he's also mellowed out quite a bit, he's 83. But he's old school. The WORST thing a parent can do is to call a child a failure, my Dad did it to me and damn, that was intense emotional pain like nothing else, that hurt goes so deep, and you just want it to stop. So you try and "fix it" and that's where drugs come into play.

07/19/2012 07:53 AM
Pbjalme
 
Posts: 85
Member

Well my son, just walked off a job, because he just couldn't deal with it. I think he is still using. I now have a sum of $1600.00 missing from my bank account and can't even afford food, gas, or anything. My husband still does not know. I think he is still using. His drug therapist and I have given him till this coming Friday to figure out if he will get on the Suboxone treatment or In house treatment. My son does not want to do the Suboxone treatment he said that he wants off drugs completely. I caught him throwing up today, and I know that he is using. He was very defensive, and just said that he ate to many eggs. My son can't keep a job. He's been fired from about every job that he has ever had. I'm at a loss as what to do. I want him to get on some kind of treatment plan, but I know that this is something he needs to come to terms with. I'm also afraid that he will go back to jail, this time, for a long time. I also know that he has some mental issues, and he is refusing to see a Psychiatrist. I am losing weight, probably because I can't afford food, and I can't sleep. I'm in a constant panic attack mode. I'm so preoccupied with all of this that I think I'm about to have a nervous break down. I JUST WANT MY SON TO BE NORMAL AGAIN!!!!

I've prayed so much it hurts! Any ex herion addicts, give me some clues, on how I can help him. What worked for you to finally give it up? What can I do as a parent? HELP! Thanks


07/20/2012 06:52 PM
Kelly77
Posts: 3
New Member

Hi Pbjalme,

We have recently found out (3wks ago to the day) that my sister is a heroin addict. We did detox, have talked and talked, been to meetings, made appointments etc etc. My sister wants to stop but without a supplement right now she can't handle the sickness from withdrawal as she's mamaging to hold down her job, but once she stops using she's too sick to go to work.

Even though my family have been only dealing with this for 3 long weeks, we are all on board and see my sister as if she's got a terrible, evil disease. We don't blame her for what is happening, we don't angry with her and we certainly don't see her as a a faliure. Does your son have open communication with you about his use? Until we can get my sister onto a program then we know as does she that has to keep using in order to be able to go to work and to function. We have reached a point where she gets her bf (who doesn't use) to look after her heroin (as she knows she isn't very good at self control) and she has also given me her online bank details so i can help her pay her rent and keep track of her money. Is there anyway you can get have a frank talk with your son about some positive steps he needs to take IF you actually want's to stop using heroin? I have talked and talked and msgd my sister so much in the past 3 weeks, mainly all of the positive stuff she will regain once she stops using and how great her life can be again etc etc. We also talk about how it's ok to still use until we get a supplement and that for now it's 2 steps back some days, 2 step forward. BUT as long as there are steps forward and my sister remains honest and open with us about her addiction, then we know we'll get there. I go to a smart recovery meeting with har every Wed's which has been an eye opener for me to say the least,but also gives Ange the support she so desperately needs right now. I truly beleive love can conquer all. Keep on loving your son and be right by his side, he needs you to get through this.

Im not sure what website you guys have in the US but the best one for us is called Family and Drug support. It has so much info etc, I have also found that information and knowledge is very powerful in this fight. I hope your son can start to work towards helping himself and that you can see some hope. xx


07/25/2012 06:29 PM
Pbjalme
 
Posts: 85
Member

Kelly 77, well today I took my son to In house Rehab. He woke up yesterday and said he wanted to go. He made all the arrangements, and then called his boss at work and told her about checking into a Rehab, and she told him he would have a job when he got out. He also called his PO and told him. I did not force him. I realized that it was his journey. Herion destroys families!!! It's not easy to love someone who steals all of your money that you use to pay for food, morgage, and bills. I work 2 jobs and all my hard work went for his Herion problem. I called his Drug Therapist, and we gave him 2 weeks to decide what type of treatment he would like to do. It was either call his Probation Officer, do the Suboxone treatment, or go to Rehab. Those were his choices. He used several times after that, smoked some weed, and then begged me to pee in a cup, just in case his PO did a urine test. I told him that he would just have to take that chance. I told him that this is your journey, that I can't stop you from playing Russian Roulette with his life. I'm so glad he chose to survive and try to take a step to change his life.

I agree love can help to conquer all. I know my son knows that I love him, but I have never felt such relief as I left the rehab knowing that finally he was getting help. I celebrated by stopping at McDonalds and eating two Egg McMuffins and an orange juice. I haven't been eating good for over a month and have lost 8 lbs through all of this. I'm just exhausted and relieved and should be able to sleep tonight!!! WOO HOO GOD IS GOOD!!!! PBJ Smile

Post edited by: Pbjalme, at: 07/25/2012 06:37 PM


07/27/2012 09:17 AM
Pbjalme
 
Posts: 85
Member

The Case Worker at my son's Rehab just called me today and said that my son will be finished with Detox on Sunday and that on Monday they will be sending him to another facility, which is in a country setting, nearer to my home on Monday where he will be staying until they feel he is ready to leave. What a relief...one day at a time! PBJ
Reply

Share this discussion with your friends:
<< Start < Prev 1 Next > End >>


Disclaimer: The information provided in MDJunction is not a replacement for medical diagnosis, treatment, or professional medical advice.
In case of EMERGENCY call 911 or 1.800.273.TALK (8255) to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Read more.
Contact Us | About Us
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 MDJunction.com All Rights Reserved