Heroin Addiction Support Group

I feel like an idiot... he has stolen from me once again and i told him he needed to leave. Well of course he has no where to go and i feel bad for him having to be homeless, WHY do i care? So needless to say he is still in the house and im supposed to take him to a shelter after work today, its so hard and i wish i could just have no feelings. My friends all think im crazy and are really sick of me saying that i am done and then he never leaves. They are eventually going to cut off support because its not fair to them that i keep giving him chances, His family could care less about him at this point and i feel that the whole situation is on my shoulders, I still want him to be the person that i first fell in love with and i have always had hope that he would change but I honestly feel hopeless now

This is so hard. I have been there with my husband in the past and we can't help but feel bad for them because we love them and we see the good in them even though they stole, etc...

Honestly, asking my husband to leave because he was using and lying about it, was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life, but I did it because I knew it had to be done in order to help myself. I was doing a diservice to him by letting him stay with me. Asking him to leave and be serious about it I believe contributed to him getting sober. It forced him to reach a bottom and have to figure things out for himself.

You don't deserve to live with someone that is stealing from you.

Don't take him to a shelter. Ask him to leave and shut your door to your home, lock it, and walk away. Sounds hard and it is, but I did it and you can too.

This is important, so remember this:

Once you make the addicts problem their responsibility, there is a better chance that he/she will get clean. You've been making his problems yours ... let them go. He doesn't have to worry about how he is going to eat, pay bills, where he is living, etc... all he has to worry about is how he is going to feed his addiction ... until now, so make his problems his own. He'll have to do it, because nobody else will take care of him.

Nice advise Elaine.. Lisa take care of yourself will be saying prayers, I think it is ok to support them in a drive to a facility but I would think some time away after would be better for him to become whole after. Oxford house can be very nice, heart strings do become weary, I am sure a break for you would be good. patti

Lisa - this is HIS problem...HIS addiction, not yours. He is the only one that can fix it. I had to move out of my house so my husband knew I was serious. It was extremely hard, but I had tried everything so my last option was bringing his bottom up to him instead of waiting for him to fall to it. He spiraled out of control for a few months, but he did reach out to his friend for help. He moved out of the area, cut off his drug using friends and started going to the clinic. That was over two years ago. Was it the right decision? For my situation, absolutely! I wish I had done it sooner but I wasn't ready. Each person reaches that "corner" at different times. When you turn your corner, you will know. Don't let anyone try to influence your decisions. You have to live with the desicion, not them. They will not understand since they are not in your shoes.

It's very easy to lose yourself in their addiction...especially when you care so much for them. You KNOW what will happen but they don't see it. With everything going on, you have to put yourself first. You are important and you deserve to be happy and healthy. If you aren't seeing a counselor, you may want to consider it. The affects are more damaging than you realize. I thought I was handling it fine, but when my husband started coming around a year after he had been clean, my anger skyrocketed and my patience was next to nonexistent. I've been going to my counselor for over a year now, and STILL have anger issues but I am finally learning how to communicate effectively. I am a classic case of holding everything in then exploding! Please consider counseling or another support system. Take care of yourself!

Nicely said sunsign

Yes, I agree! Counseling is very important to your own recovery. I too have anger issues because of what I went through with my husband's addiction. It's almost like being traumatized because of the past. Counseling can help you communicate your thoughts to an outside party and get everything you've been bottling up out without you taking it out on your significant other...especially when they are clean or trying to be clean. You have to make your own decisions for YOU and only you know what you want. When I kicked my husband out I had reached my breaking point. I don't know if you are at that point. It was hard and it hurt like hell. I didn't sleep for days and I was worried about him, but I stuck to my guns and he got help and has been clean since. It was the best decision I have ever made. I wish the best for you and keep talking to us and others that are a good support system for you. Just keep talking... it helps, I promise!

I'm the weirdo that tends to differ a bit in my approach and attitude towards addicts. I'm not for enabling, but I am for putting help there when it's needed. That being said, what your husband is doing is far past the point of taking advantage of your good nature. You've allowed him to come back more times than most of us would and you've tolerated both lying and stealing. He just seems to not be able to understand the part about doing those things being wrong. You'd think he'd see what he's going to lose if he keeps screwing up, but he apparently doesn't. I'm getting the feeling that he's not around for affection and love, he's there because he has no one else and cardboard is his only alternative. I'd give him the option of COMPLETING, not just going to half, a rehabilitation program (inpatient would probably be best at his stage)or handing over his key to the front door. His blatant disregard for your feelings and obvious lack of respect are deal breakers to me. My husband was an actively using addict when we got together, but he wanted something better than the life of an addict. He never used me, he never stole from me, he never did things to hurt me, and he was always absolutely honest; you deserve better than what you have right now. I think until your husband can be what you need for a change, his being alone at night with his screw ups is entirely appropriate unless he's willing to get his butt into a program and do the work to stop using drugs and you.

As for your friends... it's not fair for YOU to have to feel like your relationship and issues with your husband are grounds for them to abandon you. Nothing is being done TO them for any of them to pull away from you because you need them. I do know that addiction is taxing on the nerves and the soul to handle or hear about, but that's the whole definition of what it means to be a friend, isn't it? Someone who runs from you when you need them is an aquaintaince and nothing more. Real, honest friends will stand there with you when he comes home screwed up to take the knife out of your hand and ask you to put the frying pan down before you crack him with it(or hit him first ^-^). I'm really bothered that you're worried that they'll abandon you over your loyalty to your husband. It doesn't matter what's "fair" to them, your friends are suposed to be there with you fair or not. It's just wrong on so many levels that the people you are trying to go to for help and support are making you feel that way. It's as if you're getting two kinds of emotional blackmail right now, when one kind is really enough.

I think after everything you've tolerated and set aside, you are justified in whatever decision you make. I chose to ride the storm with my husband and see what happened, but I realise that some addicts just make it impossible to love and support them when they're selling all the electronics and family heirlooms in the house. It's time for your husband to stand on his own two feet and see life for the gift that it is or you're entirely justified in removing him from yours if that's what it takes to eventually find your own happy place. Just remember that no one can ruin your day, but you...

*hugs*

SP

Post edited by: sweetpolly, at: 09/28/2011 04:49 AM

Someone who runs from you when you need them is an acquaintance and nothing more... I like that, and there is nothing like a storm to blow out a leaf in our life. A crisis has a way of defining who is who.

Thanks Patt. I've been through that whole mess with a bunch of so-called friends myself and family members. The day I cut them loose was such a relief. I think to call someone your friend you need to do what they need, not just what you need. I'm sorry PL's off-line friends haven't learned that yet.

SP

Guys I'm so sorry I haven't been on here in so long, he has been staying with his brother for a few weeks now, and of course I'm questioning letting him come back. I still keep hoping he will get better, I don't know how long I'll keep doing this. I don't know why I am so weak, thank you all for the great advice Its just so hard to take, I know 1 day I'll be done but unfortunately I just dont think its time yet, keep saying maybe if he goes to counseling or goes back to rehab its willl get better