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12/04/2012 08:29 PM

Boyfriend is a heroin addict - I need help

Posts: 4
New Member

Hi everyone. I'm 30 years old, never had any type of addiction in my life, a successful banker and for the last year have been in a relationship with a recovering heroin addict. I met him a week out of his first rehab and didn't really think anything of his situation as i had never dealt with an addict before so I dove head first into the relationship. In the last year it's been clear that rehab didn't take the first time because since then he's stolen and forged checks of mine, stolen my ATM card and withdraw money, lied repeatedly and has had multiple relapse'. None with heroin - all with Roxy's and prescription pain meds - until recently.

I was at work last week when i received a phone call from a local police detective. They had my boyfriend in custody and needed to know if I'd been writing him checks. I immediately said no and they advised me that he'd found an old check book from a closed checking account of mine and had been cashing checks against the account. The bank had been monitoring the situation and when he went in last Monday to cash another check, they had the cops there waiting. He told a grand story that made them all believe it was just a misunderstanding but just to be sure they called the claim in and eventually they got in touch with me. When i confirmed that i hadn't given him any checks they took him in and booked him. He called me repeatedly from jail and admitted that he'd been using heroin again - for the last two months - and needed the money because he'd drained his account and didn't think it'd hurt me because the accounts were closed. This would mark the first time drugs finally got him into some real trouble - all the other times he slid through and scraped by. Making him think he was invincible, essentially.

He spent two days in jail and is now out on a pre trial diversion program. He came to my house (where he lived) the night he was released and i had already changed the locks and turned him away at the door. It was 1am. The next day i took off work, had a bag packed for him, had him meet me at the house and i spent the day driving him to different rehab / hospitals trying to find an in patient program for him. But because it hasn't been a year since his last rehab stay his insurance wont pay for another inpatient so ultimately our day was unsuccessful.

He's staying at my/our house at the moment but I've told him he needs to be out by the end of the month. I just can't trust him. He's wanting to get set up on a suboxone schedule and has an appointment next week for that doctor. A friend of his has been giving him suboxone in the mean time (i've driven him to the friend and watched him take the medicine each time so i know it's truly suboxone) He's started (on his own free will) going to meetings this week and he's claiming to have had a huge wake up call from the jail experience. (That was his first time).

My problem is that because of all of the things I've gone through over the last year; all the lies, all the thefts, all the fights, all the needles, etc. I have so much resentment and I am incredibly guarded. I don't care for any of the words that are coming out of his mouth and i could care less that he's going to meetings and taking suboxone. I feel like whether its next month or in 6 months or in 12 months or in 24 months his next relapse is just inevitable.

I really want to find a balance though in keeping myself safe, no longer putting my life on hold because of his addiction, but also supporting him because although I am admittedly resentful to the enth degree I do very much love him and actually do believe he can be better. I know the difference between him the person and him the addict and him the person is amazing. I want so bad for him to beat this demon. I take nothing he's done to me personally but i find myself lashing out at him out of hurt and anger and i'm sure that's not productive. I have no one in my life who understands what I'm going through. Everyone is telling me to run far and fast. But i can't. I know i can't help him. But i know he needs support. It's a fine balance that i need help mastering.

Any help out there???


12/05/2012 01:38 AM
Posts: 160

Hi, i'm Tom 31 an also an addict, ive been off Heroin for 6 years but off Opiates (Subutex) for 9 weeks. Trust me when i say RUN. Addicts are liars and the very best at it. I say run just until he is clean. My wife gave me a plain and simple ultimatum. Her or smack? I chose her without even thinking about it, because i loved her and wanted a better life for myself. Are you scared to give him that ultimatum? If you are then your answer is there. Listen. Do you want to be second best to a drug thats straight from hell? You will be if he is stealing from you, and lying to you. I am an addict and i can say we are the worst choice of boyfriend/girlfriend on the planet. I think we even start to believe our own B.S in the end. In my opinion, tell him, its you or the gear. I wish you luck. Tom

12/05/2012 03:26 AM

I gave my addict gf an ultimatum and she said she chose me but her actions proved otherwise. So I broke up with her. It hurts and I still talk to her (I want a clean break)

You need to think about yourself. It is not bad to be "selfish" because it is all about self-preservation.

After reading your post you've helped me see my situation better. It's hard when we are in the middle of the chaos but once you refuse to settle for someone who can't be that person you need you will grow stronger for it.

Go with your intuition and ask yourself if your little girl self would approve of this relationship. Music also helps me: wide awake by Katy perry. You can be strong. Find a good support system and therapy.

12/05/2012 04:58 PM
Posts: 10
New Member

I am kind of dealing with the same thing. My bf is a recovering addict. He to relapsed a little over a week ago but not w pills or heroine. This time it was ketamine. I walked in on it and it was very traumatic for me. I don't do drugs or know much about them. He then was arrested the next day for possession of the ketamine. Once released I heard every way of saying sorry in the book. I did however give him a second chance (because it wasn't pills or heroine!) I also gave him the ultimatum of me or drugs. He said me and we will see. Asof right now we went through his house i mean looking in shoes, books, anywhere they can hide anything! They ate very good at hiding (one place they learn their hiding skills REHAB!) and cleaned up every piece of drug related anything. You should go through your house top to bottom. You don't want that hiding in YOUR hours!

12/06/2012 09:53 AM
Posts: 4
New Member

I've already gotten in the habit of going through my house on a near daily basis. Have been doing so for a year now, after the very first relapse. Bags, shoes, pockets, drawers, books, cushions etc. The day he was arrested he got high before leaving the house and was obviously planning on coming back because he left the TVs on the lights on my dog out and his needles, spoon and lighter next to my open check book. Oh and my bathrobe belt on the couch which he was using to tie up his arm. I called the cops and they came and took everything away. I think the best thing we have going for us now is the arrest and the Pre trial diversion he's been placed on. Starting January the court will be drug testing him weekly. One slip up and he's locked back up. He's on suboxone right now and just so I can sleep at night I have it locked away at my office and bring him his dose every day - that way he can't sell his supply and buy anything else. I told him that was a requirement if he wanted to stay living with me. He agreed. Yesterday he had the nerve to tell me his addiction isn't affecting my life that much. That its his life that's worse off. I said obviously yours will be worse off but if you re discounting your addictions affect on my life that's your addiction lying to you but it can't lie to me. I also went through his mail because he's not honest about his bills and bank account. He got mad and said I'm taking it too far. I said I'm taking it as far as I need to for my own sake and if he doesn't like my actions he's welcome to grab his bag and move on. He decided to stay. At this point I'm not giving in or putting much weight on his words. I don't care if he thinks I'm over reacting or anything - I'm doing these things for my own sake, not his. If he wants to get high he'll do it no matter what. I want to be able to sleep at night though knowing it wasn't made possible by me.

12/07/2012 06:55 AM
Posts: 614
I'm an Advocate

Veryguarded - I applaud your efforts and standing your ground. Please realize that even though he has drug testing weekly, he may still use and not get busted if enough time has lapsed after he's used. I think you're doing everything you can on your end, but ultimately he's the one that has to do the work. It's his addiction and he's the only one that can make it stop. I completely understand where you're coming from though since I went through the same thing with my exhusband. It's hard and mentally exhausting. Make sure you are taking care of yourself through all of this because it's very easy to lose yourself in his addiction.

12/15/2012 08:16 PM
Posts: 1
New Member

The love of my life needs help with heroin addiction. Then he got suboxene script takes them then sells some to buy heroin again. Wtf? I thought they cancel each other out. i'm at work today and he decidd to do herooin and xanax to help him sleep. He has been stumbling around all day, slurring his words. i'm at work trying to concentrate and always worry. Btw i am clean with a bg temper

12/18/2012 02:00 AM
Posts: 143

Hi my name is phil and my daughter has been in recovey from heroin for over 4 years. I could sit here and tell you the hundreads of mistakes that the love ones of addict make,butI have a better idea. Please go to youtube and search theemptychairshow. My daughter and I do a show about addication. It is a very informal show with many of our guests who are addicts in various stages of recovery. I would recomend you watch the episode on effects on the family. It might help you decide howto deal with this diease. Your going to have to make some tough choices to not only helphim but more important to help you. Please stay strong and never give up hope.

12/24/2012 06:15 AM
Posts: 181

Glad I found this thread cuz I'm an addict myself and I'm havng dreams of the shit I can feel it come up SO strong it takes my breath away. Then I wake up and realize it's ok, and I'm safe. Don't give up hope, your addict HAS heart, go for it, leave the anger on a shelf where it belongs, the addict NEEDS to know you love them NO MATTER HOW BAD SHIT GETS. Stay Strong. Heather

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