MDJunction - People Helping People
 
Ask a Question
08/18/2009 09:45 AM

Hi, new to MDJ- marriage suffering

chaos61
chaos61Posts: 134
Member

Hi,

I'm new here and have been posting in depression and anxiety and a few other places. I was pretty sure I saw this group somewhere the first day, but just found it again. I've had relatively minor problems with depression for years and some nasty psychotic type reactions to prednisone in the 90's, but since 2003 I started having long deep depression episodes with only a few months each year or so that I can pull myself together. My husband and I have been married since right after high school and managed to get through and stay connected until this started going on. The last several years however we're just getting farther and farther away and just can't communicate anymore or be very physical. He's got anger issues now and I withdraw and shut out. We've been in counseling in years past, but he's not interested now. Frankly we just can't afford it anyhow. I'll check in on this discussion from time to time to add more details and so forth. Thanks to all in advance for the help I hope will be forthcoming.

TM

Post edited by: chaos61, at: 08/18/2009 03:39 PM

Reply

08/18/2009 04:49 PM
Lookinglass

chaos, Did counseling help you in the past? 30 years is a long time to be together. And worth the effort to keep together. Is your depression being addressed with medication? Is your husband depressed too and may be in need of medication also.

I don't think just drugs can bring you back together,to the closeness you had. But you need to address the issues that are seperating you two. Has he ever been to anger management. Has he always had this anger issue? Could this be causeing your depression? I'm sure it's adding to it.

Have you tried to talk about this with each other? I'm sorry to have more questions. But it didn't happen over night and things won't be back to where they were that quickly either. I just got the feeling that these could all be connected to what each of you are dealing with. And a normal reaction to each others problem. But I am in no way qualified to counsel anyone. And never had the need for it.


08/19/2009 11:35 AM
chaos61
chaos61Posts: 134
Member

The counselor that we connected with the best had died (!) when we tried to look him up again a year or so ago.

Communications stink, the problems just go in a viscous circle.

Post edited by: chaos61, at: 08/20/2009 10:33 PM


08/19/2009 01:56 PM
Lookinglass

chaos.. Our lives are not that far apart. We too live on a farm and I know that life well. No getting rich there. But it is a way of life. I get ssd and know what a short way that goes also.

Money is always a touchy subject coz it means more to some than to others. We as women worry it's in our nature and we reach an age where we need that peace of mind. I'm sure hubby sees it as an attack coz your not going to make anymore money than your check every month so it falls to him to improve that part of your lives.

I love the farm life myself and can see his love of it in my husband. To have done it this long. Is there a reason that he's never seeked employment since he got fired? Sounds like he has alot of pressure on his manhood and guilt for causeing you the depression. I imagine he's feeling pretty bottom of his barrel for not being able to fix these problems.

Men like to feel like their needed to take care of us,wives,kids. Like their in control, problem solvers. We need to lean on them. And everything that goes toward their EGO. Pride is a big part of it I'm sure.

You definitely have a cycle and a rut that your both in. Key word is both!

Can you see how your adding to his inadiquate feelings? And how he's adding to your depression?

You need to work on communicating with eachother and part of that is actually hearing what each of you are saying to one another. Taking a problem: That you both feel is something that needs worked on. The end result of that problem being fixed is to both of you. And how you would go about solving it,and his idea of going about solving it. And coming up with a game plan to fixing this problem. Together, not both ends against the middle. And staying committed to what you've choose together.

Your depression,is there something he can do to help you deal with it better? Odds are he's adding to it and the money issues as well. Is their something you can do to help resolve his anger? Odds are your adding to it and money issues as well.

You need to try and reconnect on whats held your marriage together all these long years and what brought you two together. Your Love of and for eachother. Or do you not even have a love for one another anymore?


08/19/2009 05:48 PM
chaos61
chaos61Posts: 134
Member

Ack!!! Being a newbie and not so computer literate I didn't realize just how public these posts are. I've said too much and will be MUCH more careful in future postings.

Thanks


08/21/2009 11:31 AM
suebaby41
suebaby41  
Posts: 2447
Senior Member

You haven't said too much. Everything you said would apply to lots of women. Depression is debilitating. You probably need to go to counseling to work on your depression since you admit it is getting worse. If you cannot afford counseling, there are other avenues of help such as your pastor and your local mental health who have sliding scales for payment of services. You could also talk with your doctor to see if changing medications would help. I was taking Wellbrutin and changed to Cymbalta and it was like I woke up. I felt so much better mentally.

You are not responsible for your husband's alleged feelings of inadequacy and he is certainly not responsible for your depression.

I believe that everyone needs counseling at one time or the other in their life. Whether they are willing to admit they need counseling is another thing. I doubt anyone who says they never had the need of counseling. They had the need but for some reason, they chose not to seek counseling.

This forum is a place where you can let things out so that you can share with others and others who have similar problems can share with you.


08/21/2009 11:57 AM
chaos61
chaos61Posts: 134
Member

I edited the heck out of the second post cause Im still trying to stay anonymous. I don't take med for depression; don't go to church anymore; closest MH center is 20 miles away and appts are several weeks to get. Have medicare so the last time I went several years ago, I still got charged the other 50% despite our low income. We've got major money issues cause of his low income from farm...my only income is SSD. Yeah, I need financial security and not having it feeds depression, anxiety and marriage problems.

08/22/2009 01:23 AM
OneofBeauty
OneofBeauty  
Posts: 513
Member

Chaos, I want to welcome you to the group and assure you that there are many wonderful and caring people here that are going to do their best to help guide you in the right direction but everything is still ultimately your decision...If you ever need to vent or talk in private feel free to PM me at any time...

I completely understand that money can be an issue because I too rely soley on SSD and feel like even if I wanted to leave (which I don't) I couldn't! You still have to do what is best for you...counseling, meds, etc.

Know that you are in my thoughts and that my heart is with you...

Amanda


08/22/2009 12:56 PM
chaos61
chaos61Posts: 134
Member

Thanks Amanda, I may take you up on the PMs later. I don't want out either, but the rut is getting deep!

08/22/2009 12:58 PM
suebaby41
suebaby41  
Posts: 2447
Senior Member

Go to your regular doctor and ask for depression medications. Your Medicare Part D will pay for them. If you feel the need to talk you privately, you can PM me and I will be glad to assist in any way I can.
Reply

Share this discussion with your friends:
<< Start < Prev 1 Next > End >>


Disclaimer: The information provided in MDJunction is not a replacement for medical diagnosis, treatment, or professional medical advice.
In case of EMERGENCY call 911 or 1.800.273.TALK (8255) to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Read more.
Contact Us | About Us
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 MDJunction.com All Rights Reserved